"Rolling Calamity" Campaign & "America Again" Preview

  • Aired:  09/25/12
  •  | Views: 20,732

Peggy Noonan calls the Romney campaign a "rolling calamity," and Stephen mails Mitt his new book, "America Again: Re-Becoming the Greatness We Never Weren't." (4:06)

(LAUGHTER) AND FOLKS, HERE-- (APPLAUSE).

HERE IS WHAT'S AT STAKE!

30 YEARS AGO, RONALD REAGAN CRYSTALIZE IT HAD CONSERVATIVE IDEOLOGY INTO ONE IMMORTAL SOUNDBITE.

>> GOVERNMENT IS NOT THE SOLUTION TO OUR PROBLEMS; GOVERNMENT IS THE PROBLEM.

>> Stephen: AND HE WENT ON TO PROVE THAT OVER THE NEXT EIGHT YEARS.

(LAUGHTER) FOLKS, MODERN CONSERVATISM MEANS LIMITED GOVERNMENT!

AND THE SELF-EVIDENT TRUTH THAT TAX BREAKS FOR THE WEALTHY ARE GOOD FOR THE POOR!

IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING.

THE RICH GET RICHER, HOORAY!

(APPLAUSE) BUT WITH THIS ELECTION, THOSE CONSERVATIVE VALUES ARE BEING PUT TO THE ULTIMATE TEST.

>> IF OBAMA WINS, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT IT'S THE END OF: THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

>> Stephen: NO SURPRISE.

REPUBLICAN PARTIES DON'T LAST LONG ONCE THE BLACK GUY SHOWS UP.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND TO FIGHT FOR THE G.O.P.'S VERY EXISTENCE WE HAVE CHOSEN MITT ROMNEY AS OUR STANDARD BEARER.

UNFORTUNATELY, NO ONE CAN STAND OR BEAR HIM.

(LAUGHTER) EVEN SOME CONSERVATIVES LIKE PEGGY NOONAN WHO CUT LOOSE IN THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL" SAYING

"IT'S TIME TO ADMIT THE ROMNEY CAMPAIGN IS AN INCOMPETENT ONE." NOW, THAT SOUNDS HARSH BUT SHE ISSUED A CORRECTION TWO DAYS

LATER SAYING, "I CALLED IT INCOMPETENT, I REALLY MEANT ROLLING CALAMITY." (LAUGHTER) BUT NOONAN HAS OFFERED MITT A

CRUCIAL BIT OF ADVICE TO WIN THIS ELECTION.

"IF HE IS SERIOUS HE HAS TO PUT IN PLACE A GUIDING PHILOSOPHY." SO THERE IT IS, FROM NOONAN, REAGAN'S ORIGINAL WORDSMITH.

BUT WHERE THIS LATE IN THE CAMPAIGN WILL MITT ROMNEY FIND A GUIDING PHILOSOPHY?

IT SEEMS HOPELESS!

SO THIS WEEKEND I PINCHED OUT A LOAF OF HOPE!

(APPLAUSE) TONIGHT I AM PROUD TO INTRODUCE MY NEW BOOK "AMERICA AGAIN: REBECOMEING THE GREATNESS WE

NEVER WEREN'T." (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) MARKET PRINCIPLES AND TONIGHT IN KEEPING WITH THOSE PRINCIPLES MY

COVERAGE OF ME TALKING ABOUT MY OWN BOOK IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY BURGER KING-- HOME OF THE "WHY DON'T YOU BUY THIS BOOK"?

(LAUGHTER) FOLKS, THIS IS THE COMPLETE CONSERVATIVE GUIDING PRINCIPLE THAT MITT NEEDS ON EVERYTHING:

JOBS, HEALTH CARE, EVEN THE CONTROVERSIAL PRACTICE OF HYDROFRACKING WHICH I EXPLAIN WITH THE HELP OF A CARTOON

FARTING DINOSAUR.

(APPLAUSE) BUT DON'T WORRY.

IT'S NOT ALL THAT TECHNICAL.

AND MITT ROMNEY, THE FIRST COPY IS YOURS!

SECOND COPY IS MINE.

(LAUGHTER) I CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT.

NOW LET ME JUST INSCRIBE THIS BAD BOY RIGHT HERE.

OKAY.

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

"TO MITT, USE THIS BOOK TO BECOME PRESIDENT." (LAUGHTER) "JUST MAKE ME AMBASSADOR TO MIDDLE EARTH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOURS, STEPHEN COLBERT." OKAY.

PUT THAT BAD BOY IN AN ENVELOPE AND SEND!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND FOR MY FEW VIEWERS OUT THERE WHO AREN'T MITT ROMNEY, YOU CAN GET YOUR OWN COPY AT BOOKSTORES

EVERYWHERE STARTING NEXT WEEK IF THERE ARE STILL BOOKSTORES ANYWHERE NEXT WEEK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.