Voting & Hormones

  • Aired:  10/25/12
  •  | Views: 52,518

CNN pulls a study that says women will vote for more liberal candidates when they are ovulating. (2:57)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME TO THE REPORT, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THAT FERVENT CHANTING OF MY NAME WILL HOLD ME OVER UNTIL I CAN GET HOME AND CHANT IT INTO A MIRROR.

(LAUGHTER) NATION, WE ARE A MERE 12 DAYS AWAY FROM THE ELECTION.

AND IT IS MY SOLEMN OBLIGATION AS A NEWSMAN TO BRING YOU THE MOST CUTTING EDGE, BASELESS DECIMATIONS

OF WHO IS GOING TO WIN.

NOW THIS MUCH WE KNOW, FOLKS.

THE ELECTION COULD BE SWUNG BY ONE KEY VOTING BLOC.

>> WOMEN!

>> Stephen: YES!

IT'S THE LADIES!

WHO ARE THEY GOING TO VOTE FOR?

WELL, ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT ON CNN.COM, WOMEN VOTE BASED ON THEIR OFLATION CYCLE.

(LAUGHTER) THE STUDY SAYS THAT WHEN SINGLE WOMEN ARE OVULATTING THEY FEEL SEXIER AND THEREFORE LEAN MORE TOWARD

LIBERAL ATTITUDES ON ABORTION AND MARRIAGE EQUALITY.

WHICH IS WHY INSTEAD OF E-MAILS, OBAMA IS JUST SENDING LATE NIGHT TEXTS THAT SAY "YOU UP?

FOLKS.

-- (APPLAUSE) THAT MAKES HIM THE COMMANDER IN BOOTY CALLS.

FOLKS, I THINK THIS STUDY IS BULL.

AND CNN KNOWS IT BECAUSE THEY PULLED THE ARTICLE SAYING IT DID NOT MEET THEIR EDITORIAL STANDARDS.

DAMN STRAIGHT.

THIS STUDY IS OFFENSIVE.

ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE MINDLESS HORMONE ZOMBIES FOLLOWING PHEROMONE TRAILS LIKE SO MANY WORKER ANTS TO THE POLES?

NO, COME ON, IT'S THE 21st CENTURY.

WOMEN DON'T MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON WHAT'S DOWN HERE.

THEY MAKE DECISION ON WHAT'S UP HERE.

THE SHAPE OF THEIR SKULLS, OKAY.

(LAUGHTER) YOU SEE PHRENOLOGY TELLS US THAT IF WOMEN LACK A PROMINENT OCCIPITAL RIDGE, OKAY, RIGHT ACROSS THIS AREA,

THAT MEANS THEY ESCHEW CAUSALITY, A PROPENSITY SEEN HERE IN THE SKULL OF THIS OCTOROON MURDERER.

OKAY, NOW OF COURSE THE SIMPLEST WAY TO PREDICT A WOMAN'S POLITICAL LEANS, THROW THEM INTO THE RIVER.

IF THEY FLOAT, THEN