Hillary Clinton vs. the RNC Squirrel

  • Aired:  06/18/14
  •  | Views: 17,052

The Republican National Committee enlists a giant squirrel to follow Hillary Clinton and bombard her with devastating puns. (7:38)

BUT IN THE MEANTIME, THERE AREPEOPLE OUT THERE WHO WILL

CONTINUE TO TELL YOU THATHILLARY CLINTON'S AMBITIONS ARE

NOT TIED TO THE SCANDAL INBENGHAZI, BUT HERE'S A

COINCIDENCE: I'M ABOUT TO TALKABOUT HER.

[LAUGHTER]HILLARY CLINTON, IS SHE RUNNING

FOR PRESIDENT?

WELL, DON'T ASK HER.

>> I HAVEN'T MADE UP MY MIND.

I'M GOING TO DECIDE WHEN ITFEELS RIGHT FOR ME TO DECIDE.

I HAVE TO SAY, I DON'T KNOW.

>> Stephen: SHE DOESN'T KNOW.

ALL SHE KNOWS IS SHE'S DOINGTOWN HALLS ON HER NATIONWIDE

BOOK TOUR WITH A GIANT BUS THATSAYS, "READY FOR HILLARY."

IT COULD MEAN ANYTHING.

[LAUGHTER]BUT IF HILLARY CLINTON DOES RUN,

SHE'S GOING TO BE TOUGH TO BEAT.

SHE HAS NAME RECOGNITION.

SHE HAS EXPERIENCE AND TWO XCHROMOSOMES, AND THAT'S REALLY

GOING TO HELP IN THOSE PARTS OFTHE COUNTRY THAT HAVE WOMEN.

FOLKS, I AM NOT WORRIED BECAUSETHE G.O.P. HAS A NEW WEAPON TO

TAKE HER DOWN.

>> HILLARY CLINTON'S PRECAMPAIGNBOOK TOUR ARRIVED IN D.C. AND

THE REPUBLICAN NATIONALCOMMITTEE WELCOMED HER WITH

RIDICULE IN THE FORM OF A GIANTSQUIRREL ASKING CLINTON

SUPPORTERS, "ANOTHER CLINTONWHITE HOUSE: ARE YOU NUTS?"

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

A GIANT SQUIRREL.

BECAUSE SURE, CLINTON'S GONETOE-TO-TOE WITH SOME OF THE

TOUGHEST MEN ON THE PLANET, BUTHAS SHE EVER TAKEN ON A

MAN-SIZED RODENT ARMED WITHPUNS?

I THINK NUT.

AND THE SQUIRREL HERE HAS BEENGOING AFTER HILLARY WITH TWEET

ZINGERS LIKE, "HILLARY CLINTONIS SQUIRRELY IF SHE THINKS THE

TALIBAN AREN'T A THREAT TO US"AND "HILLARY CLINTON IS TRYING

TO HIDE HER RECORD ON BENGHAZITHE WAY I HIDE ACORNS."

WOW.

THOSE ARE SOME STINGING NUTPUNS.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE.

CASHEW BELIEVE SHE'S RUNNING?

HILLARY PE-CAN'T BE OUR NEXTPRESIDENT.

WE NEED A BORDER WAL-NUT.

REMEMBER, SHE MURDERED VINCEFOSTER.

PISTACHIO.

NATION, THIS IS THE BEST USE OFA MASCOT IN POLITICS SINCE

STEPHEN DOUGLAS DRESSED UP ASA BANANA AND SAID LINCOLN WAS

UNAPPEALING. AND THIS BRAND-NEWIDEA TO ATTACK HILLARY CLINTON

WILL DEFINITELY WORK BECAUSE ITIS ACTUALLY A BRAND-OLD IDEA TO

ATTACK OBAMA THAT DID NOT WORK.

YOU SEE, BACK IN 2008, TOSHOWCASE OBAMA'S INVOLVEMENT

WITH ACORN, THE SQUIRREL MADEAPPEARANCES WAVING BEHIND CHRIS

MATTHEWS ON MSNBC AND DANCING ATDEMOCRATIC PRESS CONFERENCES IN

OHIO BEFORE BEING KICKED OUT BYTHE POLICE.

EVERYONE WAS SHOCKED, ESPECIALLYHIS FRIEND, THE CHIPMUNK.

AND YET SIX YEARS LATER, THEREARE STILL A FEW DETAILS ABOUT

THE SQUIRREL THEY HAVEN'TWORKED OUT.

FOR EXAMPLE, THE NAME OF THESQUIRREL IS STILL TBD.

FOLKS, I HAVE NO DOUBT IN MYMIND THAT REPUBLICANS WILL COME

UP WITH SOMETHING REALLY FUNNYLIKE THEY DID WITH REINCE

PREIBUS.

[LAUGHTER]NOW, THIS SQUIRREL HAS BEEN

FOLLOWING CLINTON FOR A WEEK,AND A SPOKESMAN FOR THE RNC

PROMISES THAT WE'RE GOING TO DOIT FOR AS LONG AS IT WORKS.

AND I CANNOT WAIT FOR WHENEVERTHAT STARTS.

BECAUSE YESTERDAY THE SQUIRRELWAS THE VICTIM OF A SNEAK

ATTACK.

>> HELLO, MR. SQUIRREL.

HOW ARE YOU?

I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING MEAROUND.

WHILE YOU'RE IN BETWEEN YOURGIGS, I WANTED YOU TO GET A COPY

OF MY BOOK. I HOPE YOU WILL MAKETHE HARD CHOICE AND READ MY

BOOK. BUT YOU BRING A SMILE TO ALOT OF PEOPLE'S FACES.

THANK YOU, MR. SQUIRREL.

[APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: SHE MADE FRIENDS

WITH HIM.

HE WAS SO RATTLED THAT HE LATERTWEETED, "THANK YOU, HILLARY

CLINTON.

I LOVE FICTION."

COME ON, SQUIRREL.

YEAH, THAT'S A DIG AT HILLARY,BUT THERE'S NOT ONE NUT PUN IN

THERE.

WHAT ABOUT, "THANKS, HILLARY,BUT IF I WANTED TO READ A LOT OF

BOOKS, I WOULD HAVE ENTEREDMACADAMIA."

OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY HILLARY'SJUST TOO TOUGH TO BE TAKEN DOWN

BY ONE RECYCLED MASCOT.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE AT LEAST TWORECYCLED MASCOTS.

SO TONIGHT IN SUPPORT OF THERNC, I AM RE-PURPOSING THE

COLBERT REPORT'S OLD MASCOT,McGNAW THE GLUTEN-FREE BEAVER.

COME ON IN, McGNAW.

>> HI.

HI, EVERYBODY!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: McGNAW,

McGNAW, THANK YOU SO MUCH FORCOMING BACK, BUDDY.

>> MY PLEASURE, STEPHEN.

THIS BEAVER IS EAGER TO DOIT. YAY!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: NOW PREVIOUSLY

YOU'VE EDUCATED KIDS ABOUT THEDANGERS OF GLUTEN AND CELIAC

DISEASE.

>> YEP, KIDS, LISTEN TO YOURFRIEND McGNAW, DON'T EAT

BREAD, EAT WOOD INSTEAD.

>> Stephen: RIGHT, THOUGH KIDS,TO BE CLEAR, IN THIS EXAMPLE,

WOOD IS A METAPHOR FOR FRUITSAND VEGETABLES.

>> OR WOOD.

>> Stephen: LET'S MOVE ON.

McGNAW, ARE YOU PREPARED TOJOIN MR. SQUIRREL AND TAKE ON

HILLARY CLINTON?

>> YOU BET.

I'VE GOT SOME QUESTIONS ABOUTHER DECISION TO VOTE FOR THE WAR

IN IRAQ.

>> Stephen: LIKE?

>> LIKE WHY DID SHE VOTE FOR IT.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

BUT YOU MIGHT WANT TO PEPPERTHAT WITH SOME BEAVER PUNS.

>> LIKE WHAT?

>> Stephen: LIKE IF SHE HAD TODO IT OVER, "WOOD" SHE "CHEWS"

TO DO IT AGAIN?

HUH?

[APPLAUSE]>> I DON'T KNOW, STEPHEN.

THAT DOESN'T SEEM APPROPRIATEFOR THE GRAVITY OF THIS SUBJECT.

I WAS READING AN ARTICLE IN"PRO-PUBLICA," AND I'M TROUBLED

BY THE FACT THAT HILLARY CLINTONDIDN'T EVEN READ THE NATIONAL

INTELLIGENCE ESTIMATE BEFOREVOTING TO COMMIT TROOPS TO AN

OPEN-ENDED CONFLICT IN THEMIDDLE EAST.

>> Stephen: "DAM."

THAT'S A SCARY "TAIL," BEAVER.

>> WHY AM I HERE, IS IT BECAUSEI'M A BEAVER YOU ALREADY HAD

ON STAFF OR DO YOU REALLY WANTSOME ANSWERS.

>> Stephen: I DON'T UNDERSTANDWHY YOU WON'T DO ANY BEAVER

PUNS.

>> THE PUNS ARE FOR KIDS.

YOU'RE ASKING ME TO ASKQUESTIONS TO AN ADULT WOMAN WHO

CAN ASCEND TO THE HIGHEST OFFICEIN THE LAND.

I THINK PUNS ARE A LITTLEBENEATH MY DIGNITY AS A

JOURNALIST, AND THEY SHOULD BEBENEATH YOUR DIGNITY, TOO.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO.

HE'S RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, McGNAW.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THATIMPORTANT TO YOU.

>> WELL, I'M NOT JUST AONE-TRICK BEAVER.

I'M TRYING TO BRANCH OUT.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: LIKE A TREE BRANCH?

>> ALL RIGHT, [BLEEPED] YOU,MAN, [BLEEPED] YOU.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: McGNAW, THE

GLUTEN-FREE BEAVER, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

McGNAW, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.

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