California's Heroic Hitchhiker

  • Aired:  02/05/13
  •  | Views: 82,187

A young man named Kai proves that hatchet-bearing hitchhikers are people too -- people who sometimes stop madmen from running loose on the freeway. (5:15)

>> Stephen: STEPHEN, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

THANKS VERY MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, I PLAY MANY ROLES IN MY FAMILY: I'M A FATHER, I'M A HUSBAND, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY,

I'M A COMMUTER.

[LAUGHTER]

AND MY CAR IS ONE OF THE PLACES PEOPLE LOOK TO ME TO SET AN EXAMPLE.

IF SOMEBODY CUTS ME OFF IN TRAFFIC, WHAT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO?

DO I RAM THEM?

[LAUGHTER]

OR TAKE THE HIGH ROAD -- DOUBLE GUNS.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT, I'M NOT PROUD OF THIS, BUT EVEN I AM GUILTY OF SOME UGLY HIGHWAY STEREOTYPING.

I SPEAK, OF COURSE, ABOUT MY PREJUDICE AGAINST AXE-WEILDING HITCHHIKERS.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I'VE ROLLED UP MY WINDOWS AND SPED PAST A HOBO SHARPENING A

HATCHET-- AND NOT EVEN CONSIDERED PICKING HIM UP.

BUT I'VE COME TO REALIZE THE ERROR OF MY WAYS AFTER SEEING THIS NEWS STORY ABOUT A YOUNG

MAN NAMED KAI.

HE SHOWED ME THAT AXE-WIELDING HITCHHIKERS ARE PEOPLE, TOO.

PEOPLE WHO SOMETIMES STOP MADMEN LOOSE ON CALIFORNIA'S FREEWAYS.

KAI TOLD THE STORY OF ONE DRIVER WHO PICKED HIM UP TO KMPH, FRESNO'S NEWS LEADER.

>> WELL, I WAS IN THE PASSENGER'S SIDE OF THIS (BLEEP) CAR.

AND, HE COMES OVER ON THERE COMES DRIVING DOWN THIS WAY, HE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? I

COME TO REALIZE I'M JESUS CHRIST AND I CAN DO ANYTHING I (BLEEP) WANT TO." AND, "WATCH THIS!" BAM!

AND HE SMASHED INTO SOME (BLEEP) GUY AND PINNED RIGHT THERE BETWEEN THAT (BLEEP) TRUCK.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: YES, THE DRIVER SAID HE WAS JESUS AND PLOWED INTO A WORKER FROM A POWER COMPANY.

FOLKS, THIS IS WHY THE LORD IS YOUR CO-PILOT, NOT BEHIND THE WHEEL.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW, NORMALLY, IF A DRIVER CLAIMS TO BE JESUS, POLICE WILL PULL HIM OVER AND MAKE HIM WALK

A STRAIGHT LINE ON WATER.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THE COPS HADN'T ARRIVE YET, SO A BYSTANDER RAN OVER TO HELP.

>> HE JUST KEPT SAYING HE WAS JESUS CHRIST, AND HE WAS GOING TO SAVE ALL OF US, WE JUST HAVE

TO GET-- HE USED THE "N" WORD, MEANING BLACK PEOPLE AND THAT-- HE SAID WE NEED TO GET THEM OFF OF THE EARTH.

HE PUT ME IN A BEAR HUG AND STARTED BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

>> Stephen: OK, I THINK IT'S SAFE TO ASSUME TWO THINGS.

ONE, THAT THIS DRIVER ISN'T REALLY JESUS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND TWO, NOT A PACKERS FAN.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO KAI, OUR HITCHHIKER WITH THE AXE, WHO I WILL REMIND YOU IS THE HERO OF THIS STORY, SPRANG

INTO ACTION.

>> AND THEN (BLEEP) BUDDY GETS OUT AND THESE TWO WOMEN ARE TRYING TO HELP HIM.

HE RUNS UP AND HE GRABS ONE OF THEM, MAN.

LIKE A GUY THAT BIG CAN SNAP A WOMAN'S NECK LIKE A PENCIL STICK.

SO I (BLEEP) RAN UP BEHIND HIM WITH A HATCHET-- SMASH, SMASH, SUH-MASH!

YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: YEAH!

THANKS TO KAI, THE MAN HIT BY THE CAR IS OKAY, THE BYSTANDER IS OKAY, AND FOR THE FIRST TIME

IN HISTORY, PEOPLE ARE SAYING, "BOY, WE SURE ARE LUCKY THAT HOMELESS HITCHHIKER WAS CARRYING

A HATCHET."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THIS SITUATION COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ANY OF US.

REMEMBER, KAI SAID THE DRIVER "CAME TO REALIZE" HE WAS JESUS IN THE MIDDLE OF DRIVING.

WHO KNOWS WHEN I'LL REALIZE IT?

[LAUGHTER]

AND WHEN I DO, I'M GOING TO WANT SOMEBODY LIKE KAI IN MY PASSENGER'S SEAT BECAUSE HE

KNOWS WHAT TO DO.

>> I'M LIKE, "BRO, IF YOU'RE (BLEEP) JESUS CHRIST, I'LL BE THE ANTI-CHRIST, MAN, LIKE

(BLEEP) THAT (BLEEP)."

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: KAI HERE, OF COURSE, IS QUOTING SCRIPTURE. MATTHEW 24:5, WHICH READS:

"FOR MANY WILL COME IN MY NAME, CLAIMING, 'I AM THE CHRIST,' AND WILL DECEIVE MANY.

THEN ONE WILL BE LIKE, 'BRO, IF YOU'RE (BLEEP) JESUS CHRIST, I'LL BE THE ANTI-CHRIST, MAN,

(BLEEP) THAT (BLEEP).'"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO, NATION, I ENCOURAGE YOU TO PICK UP AXE-WIELDING HOMELESS HITCHHIKERS WHENEVER YOU SEE THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING MORE WE COULD DO TO THANK THIS HITCHHIKER.

>> IF ANYBODY'S WATCHING THIS SOMEWHERE AND THEY'VE GOT A MINI-MAL THEY COULD LEND A GUY

WITH A WET SUIT, I'D LOVE TO TEST OUT MAVERICKS.

SO IF YOU'VE GOT A MINI-MAL AND A WETSUIT, GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM.

HIS NAME IS KAI.

HE'S SOMEWHERE IN CALIFORNIA.

AND HE HAS A HATCHET.

[LAUGHTER]