America's Bucket List

  • Aired:  07/26/11
  •  | Views: 34,193

Before American society collapses into roving, cannibalistic motorcycle gangs, it should try bubble tea and have sex with Canada. (3:34)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY

MUCH!

WOW.

YOU GUYS DO THAT SO WELL VICTIM

YOU DO IT TWICE.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, THE BITTER PARTISAN

WRANGLING IN WASHINGTON OVER OUR

NATION'S FINANCES HAS HIT ROCK

BOTTOM.

THE PRESIDENT IS BLAMING HOUSE

REPUBLICANS.

JOHN BOEHNER IS POINTING FINGERS

AT THE PRESIDENT AND JOE BIDEN

IS LOCKED IN THE HEATED BAD L

WITH A VEND MAGAZINE THAT WON'T

RELEASE HIS TEDDY GRAM.

BUT LAST NIGHT IN HIS TELEVISED

PRESPONSE TO JOHN BOEHNER, THE

PRESIDENT STOOPED TO A NEW, NEW

LOW.

>> A PREDECESSOR OF MINE MAID

THE CASE FOR A BALANCED APPROACH

BY SAYING THIS: "WOULD YOU

RATHER REDUCE DEFICITS AND

INTEREST RATES FROM RAISING

REVENUE FROM THOSE WHO ARE NOT

NOW PAYING THEIR FAIR SHARE OR

BOLD YOU RATHER ACCEPT LARGER

BUDGET DEFICITS, HIGHER INTEREST

RATES AND UNEMPLOYMENT?"

THOSE WORDS WERE SPOKEN BY

RONALD REAGAN.

>> Stephen: HOW DARE YOU USE

THE "R" WORD?

(LAUGHTER)

THAT WORD BELONGS TO US!

(LAUGHTER)

WE CONSERVATIVE AMERICANS CAN

SAY REAGAN TO EACH OTHER BECAUSE

WE USE IT AFFECTIONATELY.

I SAY IT ALL THE TIME.

WHAT UP MY GIPPER?

GIPPA PLEASE.

ALL THE GIPPERS IN THE HOUSE SAY

"NO TAXES!"

BUT I'M NOT SURPRISED THAT OBAMA

IS PLAYING THE REAGAN CARD.

SHE'S JUST TRYING TO SHORE UP

ONE OF THE LEFT'S LONG

DISCREDITED IDEAS: THE UNITED

STATES GOVERNMENT.

TO THE HOUSE REPUBLICANS WE

ELECTED LAST NOVEMBER, THEY SAW

THIS FAILURE OF LEADERSHIP

COMING.

THEY TOLD US THAT THE GOVERNMENT

DOESN'T WORK AND AS SOON AS THEY

GOT INTO OFFICE THEY PROVED IT!

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, SINCE NOBODY ELSE HAS GOT

THE BALLS TO CALL THIS ONE, I

WILL.

CONGRESS WILL NOT RAISE THE DEBT

CEILING BY NEXT TUESDAY AND

AMERICA WILL DEFAULT!

THAT WILL WRAP THINGS UP FOR

THIS GREAT EXPERIMENT IN

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY.

(LAUGHTER)

HEY... HEY, HEY, AMERICA HAD A

GOOD RUN.

WE HAD A VERY GOOD RUN.

LOOKING BACK, WE MAY HAVE STAYED

IN THE GAME TOO LONG.

WE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT AFTER

THE MOON LANDING OR WHEN THE

TINY GIRL STUCK THE LANDING WITH

A BROKEN ANKLE.

(LAUGHTER)

THE GOOD NEWS IS THE DEADLINE'S

NOT UNTIL AUGUST 2 SO IT'S STILL

GOT A WHOLE WEEK TO FINISH OFF

AMERICA'S BUCKET LIST.

(LAUGHTER)

FOR INSTANCE, BEFORE OUR SOCIETY

COLLAPSES INTO ROVING

CANNIBALISTIC MOTORCYCLE GANGS

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY BUBBLE

TEA.

(LAUGHTER)

LOOKS FUN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THOSE TASTY LITTLE BALLS THERE.

OH, ALSO, WE SHOULD INVADE IRAN.

WE KNOW IT WON'T BE A QUAGMIRE

BECAUSE WE'VE GOT TO BE OUT BY

NEXT TUESDAY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND WE SHOULD FINALLY JUST DO IT

WITH CANADA.

(LAUGHTER)

THE TENSION HAS BEEN BUILDING

FOR YEARS.

I'M TALKING CRAZY LAST NIGHT ON

EARTH GRABBING BORDERS SLAPPING

ROCKIES HALF IN FRENCH NO EYE

CONTACT EATING POUTIN OUT OF

EACH OTHER'S GREAT LAKES

NASTINESS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT WAS A CROWD PLEASER.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

SCREW IT.

LET'S FINALLY GET A TATTOO.

MAYBE A CHINESE CHARACTER ON

FLORIDA.

(LAUGHTER)

IT WILL BE A GREAT WAY TO START

LEARNING THE

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