Tip/Wag - Iowa, Bigger Pants & Recent Articles

  • Aired:  09/09/13
  •  | Views: 23,262

Disability rights activists support gun permits for the blind, bigger pants make Stephen feel thinner, and recent articles ruin the fun in dissected human cadavers. (4:58)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY, THANKS SO MUCH.

FOLKS, I'M LIKE AN UMPIRECALLING BALLS AND STRIKES AND IF

YOU DISAGREE WITH ME I WILLSTRIKE YOUR BALLS.

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF

THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, ANYBODY THAT KNOWS ME

KNOWS I BELIEVE IN THE SECONDAMENDMENT.

I MEAN, IF IT'S NOT REAL THENWHO LEFT ME THOSE GUNS ON

CHRISTMAS MORNING?

(LAUGHTER)SADLY, THERE ARE SOME WHO ARE

DENIED THE JOY OF PACKING HEAT,BUT THE GOOD CORN PACKERS OF

IOWA ARE DOING SOMETHING ABOUTIT.

I I IN IOWA, THE "DES MOINESREGISTER" IS REPORTING THAT

STATE ISSUES PERMITS TO CARRYFIREARMS IN PUBLIC TO PEOPLE WHO

ARE BLIND.

A SPOKESWOMAN FOR A GROUP CALLEDDISABILITY RIGHTS IOWA TOLD THE

NEWSPAPER THAT DENYING THE BLINDGUN PERMITS WOULD VIOLATE THE

AMERICANS WITH DISABILITIES ACT.

>> Stephen: LOOK, THIS ISPLAIN AND SIMPLE.

IF YOU'RE AGAINST BLINDAMERICANS WIELDING DEADLY

WEAPONS IN PUBLIC THEN YOU HATETHE DISABLED.

YOU'RE A MONSTER.

I BET YOU'RE ALSO AGAINST BABYANIMALS AND STARVING CHILDREN

HAVING GUNS AS WELL.

(LAUGHTER)BUT, FOLKS, SINCE I'M STEPHEN

COLBERT-- FRIEND TO THE BLIND--I AM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THEY ARE WHY I DO THIS RADIO

SHOW EVERY NIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)I WANT TO GIVE A TIP OF THE HAT

TO IOWA.

IT'S HIGH TIME THE BLIND HADGUNS.

THEY WORK WAY BETTER FORNAVIGATING THE STREETS THAN

THOSE GUIDE CANES.

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE WAVING A GUNAROUND, BELIEVE ME, A PATH WILL

CLEAR.

(LAUGHTER)NOW, FOLKS --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, I HEAR YOU.

YOU MIGHT ASK "STEPHEN, WHY CANTHE BLIND BE DENIED A DRIVER'S

LICENSE BUT NOT A GUN PERMIT?"WELL, GREG, THAT'S BECAUSE GUN

OWNERSHIP IS CONSIDERED ACONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT WHILE

DRIVING IS CONSIDERED APRIVILEGE.

WHICH MEANS IF THE BLIND WANT TODRIVE, THEY SHOULD GATE TANK.

(LAUGHTER)BECAUSE, ACCORDING -- ACCORDING

TO ALTOONA BLIND MAN MICHAELBARBER, WHEN YOU SHOOT A GUN YOU

TAKE IT OUT AND POINT AND SHOOTAND I DON'T NECESSARILY THINK

EYESIGHT IS NECESSARY.

(LAUGHTER)TRUE.

THOUGH HE DID GIVE THATINTERVIEW TO A POTTED FERN.

(LAUGHTER)AND, UNLIKE THE SKEPTICS OUT

THERE, I TRUST THE BLIND!

I'M SURE THEY'LL USE THEIR GUNSRESPONSIBLY AND GET THEMSELVES A

SHOOTING EYE DOG.

(LAUGHTER)TO BARK AT DANGER AND, OF

COURSE, A SPARE DOG FOR WHENTHEY SHOOT THE FIRST ONE.

(LAUGHTER)NEXT UP ON THE-DUBS, SUMMER IS

OVER AND LIKE MOST AMERICANS IHAD MY SHARE OF HOT DOGS AND

COLD BEER.

THAT'S WHY I'D LIKE TO ISSUE ATIP OF MY HAT TO BIGGER PANTS.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, DON'T MEAN GIANT CLOWN

PANTS, I MEAN (AUDIENCE CHANTING"STEPHEN")S THAT ARE ONE SIZED

LARGER THAN THE ONES I'M USED TOWEARING.

SEE, I JUST GRABBED THE FIRSTPAIR OF PANTS IN THE CLOSET THIS

MORNING AND THEY'RE BIGGER.

LET ME TELL YOU, FOLKS, I'MLOVING IT.

(LAUGHTER)THEY'RE ROOMY, BREEZY, NOTHING

IS SWEATING AND IT FEELS LIKE ILOST WEIGHT-- BUT I DIDN'T.

(LAUGHTER)YOU HEARD IT HEAR FIRST, FOLKS,

BIGGER PANTS, MAKING ADIFFERENCE.

FINALLY, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A HUGEFAN OF THE BODY'S EXHIBIT.

IT ANSWERS THE AGE-OLD QUESTION:"WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BUFFALO

BILL HAD AN N.E.A. GRANT?"(LAUGHTER)

BUT, ACCORDING TO RECENTARTICLES, THE BODIES IN THESE

EXHIBITS MAY BE MURDERED FALUNGONG, PERHAPS EVEN THOSE KILLED

FOR THEIR ORGANS, WHICH IS WHYI'M GIVING A WAG OF THE FINGER

TO RECENT ARTICLES.

(LAUGHTER)WAY TO RUIN THE FUN, ARTICLES!

NOW THIS WHOLE EXHIBIT OFDISSECTED HUMAN CADAVERS SEEMS

KIND OF CREEPY.

(LAUGHTER)WELL, I REFUSE TO LET THE

BECAUSE SHACKLERS OUT THERE RUINMY DAUGHTER'S EIGHTH BIRTHDAY

PARTY.

WE'RE GOING, BRITTANY, DON'T YOUWORRY!

BESIDES, MUSEUM OFFICIALS ASSUREUS THE CORPSES CAME FROM

INDIVIDUALS WHO CHOSE TO DONATETHEIR BODIES TO MEDICAL SCIENCE.

YOU HEAR THIS THAT?

MEDICAL SCIENCE!

OR WHATEVER THIS IS.

THEY WEREN'T EXECUTED PRISONERS!

I MEAN, THIS MAN CLEARLY DIEDHAPPY.

LOOK AT THAT SMILE.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND I LIKE TO BELIEVE HE DONATEDHIS BODY OF HIS OWN FREE WILL.

I'M SURE THERE ARE JUST A LOTMORE OPTIONS ON THE BACK OF A

CHINESE DRIVER'S LICENSE.

(LAUGHTER)WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHE