Tip/Wag - Chevron & FDA

  • Aired:  03/05/14
  •  | Views: 66,075

Chevron goes on a charm offensive after causing a fatal explosion, and the FDA crams knowledge down America's brain-throat. (4:26)

FOLKS, IF YOU READ THE BIBLE,IF YOU READ THE BIBLE THEN

YOU KNOW THAT OUR LORD SAIDJUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED.

I SAID SPEAK ENGLISH, JESUSTHIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG

OF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)BING BING BING BING

BING-- NATION, I LOVES ME SOME

HYDRAULIC FRACKING.

NOT ONLY IS IT GOING TO MAKEUS ENERGY INDEPENDENT, I

KNOW MAKES MARK RUFFALOANGRY AND

I'M TRYING TO UNLEASH THEHULK.

SOME HAVE TURNED ON BIG OILCOMPANIES BECAUSE FRACKING

HAS BEEN KNOWN TOCONTAMINATE WATER SUPPLIES

AND CAUSE TINY EARTHQUAKES.

BUT THESE COMPANIES ARE GOODGUYS.

TAKE CHEVRON.

RECENTLY AFTER CAUSING AFATAL GAS EXPLOSION IN

BOBTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA, THEYDID THE RIGHT THING.

>> CHEVRON IS TRYING TO MAKEAMENDS FOR THE DEADLY GAS

BALL FIRE THAT TOOK NEARLY AWEEK TO PUT OUT.

THE COMPANY WENTDOOR-TO-DOOR IN THE AREA

NEAR THE WELL THIS WE CANHANDING OUT COUPONS.

>> THE COUPON IS FOR A LARGEPIZZA AND A TWO LITRE DRINK

FROM THE LOCAL PIZZA SHOP.

>> Stephen: FREE PIZZA.

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE THAT'S FOR A GAS

WELL FIRE.

IT'S THE CHEMICALS IN YOURDRINKING WATER CAUSE

NEUROLOGICAL DAMAGE, YOU GETCRAZY BREAD.

(LAUGHTER)SO TONIGHT I'M GIVING A TIP

OF THE HAT TO CHEVRON.

IT'S THE LEAST THEY COULDDO.

LITERALLY, I THINK IT IS THELEAST THEY COULD POSSIBLY DO.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NOW IT TURNS OUT, TURNS OUT

THE COUPONS ARE FOR BOBTOWNPIZZA SPECIAL COMBO.

WE AT THE COLBERT REPORTCALLED BOBTOWN PIZZA THIS IS

TRUE.

A SPECIAL COMBO IS A $12VALUE WHICH IS ALSO THE SAME

VALUE OF YOUR LAND ONCECHEVRON IS DONE WITH IT.

(LAUGHTER)AND BONUS, IF THERE'S LEFT

OVER PIZZA THE NEXT MORNING,JUST REHEAT IT IN YOUR SINK.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, I WOULD TAKE THAT DEAL

BECAUSE I HAVE SAID ITBEFORE, I LOVE EATING.

IT'S ONE OF THE TOP THREETHINGS I DO WITH FOOD.

(LAUGHTER)BUT NATION I'M AS STEAMED AS

THE VEGETABLES I WILL NEVEREAT BY THE LATEST OVERREACH

OF THE OBAMA NANNY STATE.

>> A NEW CHANGE ANNOUNCEDTHIS MORNING TO THE

NUTRITION LABELS YOU SEE INGROCERY STORES.

THE FOOD AND DRUGADMINISTRATION IS PROPOSING

CHANGES TO THE LABELS FORTHE FIRST TIME IN OVER TWO

DECADES.

>> THE FDA WILL PROPOSELARGER BOLDER TYPE FOR

CALORIES AND FOR THE FIRSTTIME CONSUMER WAS KNOW

WHETHER THEIR FOODS HADADDED SUGAR.

>> CALORIES WILL BE REALLYPROMINENT.

AT A GLANCE YOU CAN SEE THECALORIES BIG AND BOLD.

>> Stephen: NICE TRY BUTTHOSE LABELS ARE NOT BIG AND

BOLD ENOUGH FOR AMERICANS TOREAD THROUGH THEIR EYE FAT.

(LAUGHTER)SO I'M GIVING A WAG OF MY

FINGER TO THE FDA FORCRAMMING TOO MUCH KNOWLEDGE

DOWN MY BRAIN THROAT.

I SAY FOOD LABELS ONLY NEEDTO TELL ME THREE THINGS.

SWEET OR SPICY.

SOFT OR CRUNCHY AND WHICHHOLE DO I STICK IT IN?

(LAUGHTER)OKAY?

AND FOLKS IT JUST GETS WORSE.

>> FOOD LABELS WILL HAVE TOSPELL OUT MORE CLEARLY HOW

SERVING SIZES ARE MEASURED.

TAKING INTO ACCOUNT HOW WEREALLY EAT FOOD LIKE POTATO

CHIPS AND CANDY BARS.

SERVING SOIZS FOR SODA, FORINSTANCE L GO FROM 8 OUNCES

TO 12 OUNCES.

>> THEY MAY SAY THIS ISTYPICALLY TWO SERVINGS BUT

HERE IS ALSO THE PACKAGEDATA.

>> A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS,FOR EXAMPLE, IF IT'S LIKELY

YOU'RE GOING EAT THE WHOLE BAGIN A SINGLE SITTING THEY

WILL LABEL AS SUCH.

>> OF COURSE I'M GOING TOEAT THE WHOLE BAG IN A SINGLE

SITTING.

WHY DO YOU THINK I SAT DOWN?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN DID--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> YOU CAN'T SUDDENLY CHANGE

SERVING SIZES.

THE ONLY THING KEEPING MEFROM POLISHING OFF AN ENTIRE

PINT OF AMERICONE DREAM ISKNOWING THAT IT'S ACTUALLY

FOUR SERVINGS.

OF COURSE I DO EAT THE WHOLETHING BUT AT LEAST I'M

GETTING THREE FULL SERVINGS OFSHAME.

(LAUGHTER)BUT IF THE SAME PINT IS 2

SERVINGS, THAT SHAME WILLKICK IN MUCH LATER AND I

WILL HAVE TO EAT 2 PINTS.

SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUSTLABEL EVERYTHING [BLEEP] IT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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