Better Know a Geopolitical Flashpoint - Crimean Peninsula

  • Aired:  03/04/14
  •  | Views: 42,809

Russia and Ukraine struggle for control of Crimea, a region that has faced invasion and occupation for millennia. (4:16)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FOLKS, WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, I GOTSOME NEWS FOR YOU.

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA IS AFAILED LEADER.

DON'T WORRY-- THIS ISN'T A RERUNOR A FUTURE EPISODE.

IT'S TONIGHT.

LAST WEEK OBAMA ANNOUNCED THEPLANNED WITHDRAWAL OF AMERICAN

FORCES FROM AFGHANISTAN BY 2015.

WITH A STROKE OF HIS PEN, THEREGOES AMERICA'S STRATEGIC RESERVE

OF RUBBLE.

NOW I FEEL LIKE I'VE WASTED 12YEARS MEMORIZING ALL THOSE

TRICKY MUSLIM NAMES--KARZAI.

HAQQANI.

BEYONCE.

I MEAN, I WAS ALMOST READY FORTHAT JELLY.

THERE IS A NEW FOREIGN POLICYCRISIS FOR OBAMA TO SHRANK.

>> UKRAINE UNRAVELING.

>> UKRAINE OFFICIALS SAY THEY'REON THE BRINK OF WAR WITH RUSSIA.

THOUSAND OF RUSSIAN TROOPS HAVEOUSTED UKRAINIAN FORCES AND

TAKEN COMPLETE CONTROL OF KEYSTRATEGIC CRIMEAN PENINSULA.

CRIMEAN CRISIS HAS DEEPENEDOVERNIGHT.

>> Stephen: YES, A CRISIS INCRIMEA.

NOW, LIKE AMERICANS, UNTILRECENTLY, I THOUGHT CRIMEA WAS A

DELIGHTFUL TYLER PERRYCHARACTER.

TURNS OUT IT'S THE MOSTIMPORTANT PLACE YOU DON'T KNOW

JACK ABOUT.

WELL, STRAP IN, BECAUSESTEPHEN COLBERT'S ABOUT TO

GET YOU JACKED.

IN PART ONE OF MY INFINITE-PARTSERIES "BETTER KNOW A

"GEOPOLITICALFLASHPOINT." TONIGHT, THE

CRIMEAN PENINSULA, THE FIGHTIN'ALMOST AN ISLAND.

PROTRUDING SOUTHWARD INTO THEBLACK SEA CARTOGRAPHERS REFER TO

COUNTRY MAY AS "THE UKRAINE'SBALL SACK."

OVER THE MILLENNIA, COUNTRYMAY'S BEEN OCCUPIED BY GREEKS,

ROMANS, MONGOLS, OTTOMANS,BYZANTINES, AND EVEN THE GOTHS,

WHO INVADED JUST TO PISS OFFTHEIR PARENTS.

IN 1441, THE PENINSULA BECAME ANINDEPENDENT MUSLIM STATE CALLED

THE CRIMEAN KHANATE, RUN BY ATURKIC PEOPLE CALLED TATARS, AND

THEIR CHILDREN THE TARTAR TOTS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

IN 1774, RUSSIA CONQUEREDCRIMEA

IN 1853, THE HORRIBLE CASUALTIESOF THE FIRST CRIMEAN WAR

INSPIRED ALFRED LORD TENNYSON'SCLASSIC POEM, "THE CHARGE OF THE

LIGHT BRIGADE," WITH THE FAMOUSLINES, "THEIRS NOT TO MAKE

REPLY, THEIRS NOT TO REASON WHY,THEIRS BUT TO DO AND DIE, HAPPY

VALENTINE'S DAY TO A SPECIALNEPHEW."

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

NOW, RUSSIA-- BIG TENNYSON FANSHERE TONIGHT.

RUSSIA KEPT POSSESSION OF CRIMEAUNTIL 1954, WHEN

NIKITA KHRUSHCHEV REGIFTEDCOUNTRY MAY TO UKRAINE, AFTER A

HIGH-LEVEL SUMMIT BETWEEN HISLIVER AND A BOTTLE OF STOLI.

AT THE TIME OF THE USSR'SCOLLAPSE THE UKRAINE HAD THE

THIRD LARGESTNUCLEAR STOCKPILE IN THE WORLD,

BUT SURRENDERED IT IN ADIPLOMATIC AGREEMENT CALLED THE

"BUDAPEST MEMORANDUM," LATERADAPTED INTO A WHIMSICAL FILM BY

WES ANDERSON.

( LAUGHTER )IN THE AGREEMENT, UKRAINE GAVE

UP ITS NUKES, AND IN EXCHANGE,RUSSIA PROMISED NEVER TO USE

"THREATS OR USE OF FORCE AGAINSTTHE TERRITORIAL INTEGRITY OR

POLITICAL INDEPENDENCE OFUKRAINE."

TRAGICALLY IT APPEARS UKRAINIANDIPLOMATS FORGOT TO CALL "NOBACKSIES"

Loading...