Terror Bunker 5200

  • Aired:  08/24/10
  •  | Views: 62,598

Stephen realizes he's a terrorist after learning that Prince Alwaleed bin Talal's son bought his portrait. (4:19)

DRESSES YOU FUNNY.

NATION, NATION, I NORMALLY DON'T

LIKE TO TALK ABOUT JON STEWART,

OKAY.

NO FREE RIDES GUY WHO STARTED MY

CAREER.

LAST NIGHT I WAS DOING A

HIGH-DEF GRAY HAIR COMPARISON,

AND I'M COMING FOR YOU, GRANDPA.

AND WHILE I WAS DOING, THAT I

ACCIDENTALLY SAW HIS REPORT ON

THE MAN FUNDING THE GROUND ZERO

MOSQUE, PRINCE AL-WALEED BIN

TALAL, WHO FOX NEWS HAS ACCUSED

OF HAVING TERROR TIES BECAUSE HE

ALLEGEDLY FUNDS RADICAL

MADRASES.

NOW, JON POINTED OUT THAT WHILE

THE TERROR MOSQUE MAY BE FUNDED

BY BIN TALAL, HE'S ALSO THE

SECOND LARGEST SHAREHOLDER OF

NONE OTHER THAN FOX NEWS, SO TO

DEFEAT TERROR, WE SHOULD REALLY

STOPWATCHING FOX NEWS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELL PLAYED.

WELL PLAYED, MY FRIEND, BUT

THERE IS MORE TO THIS STORY.

FOLLOW ME DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE.

TO "THE COLBERT REPORT" TERROR

BUNKER 5200.

[SIREN BLARES]

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

WELCOME TO THE TERROR BUNKER,

WHERE FEAR CRAPS ITS PANTS.

ALL RIGHT, FOLKS, LET'S FOLLOW

THE MONEY.

HERE'S THE BAD GUY, PRINCE

AL-WALEED BIN TALAL.

TURNS OUT BESIDES FUNDING THE

TERROR MOSQUE, HE'S ALSO

CHANNELED MONEY TO HIS SON,

KHALED BIN TALAL, WHO LAST

JANUARY FUNNELED THAT CASH

THROUGH A QUESTIONABLE ONLINE

ART AUCTION, THE PROCEEDS OF

WHICH WENT STRAIGHT TO AN

OBSCURE WASHINGTON, D.C.,

CHARITY.

NOW, HOW DO I KNOW ALL THIS?

WHO TIPPED ME OFF?

I DID.

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE THE ART THAT BIN TALAL

BOUGHT WAS MY PORTRAIT FROM MY

OLD SET.

AND THE CHARITY WAS THE YELLOW

RIBBON FUND, WHICH HELPS WOUNDED

VETERANS AT WALTER REED AND

BETHESDA NAVAL HOSPITAL.

THAT MAKES THEM TERROR TROOPS.

THINK ABOUT IT.

THESE SOLDIERS HAVE MADE

MULTIPLE TRIPS TO RADICAL

ISLAMIC COUNTRIES WHERE THEY

WERE TRAINED IN THE USE OF

WEAPONS AND EXPLOSIVES.

AND NOW THEY'RE COMING HOME.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW ALL THIS MAKES SENSE TO ME,

BUT WHY IS MY PORTRAIT MIXED UP

IN THIS?

JIMMY, GO FULL FRAME.

NOW ZOOM IN.

ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, FURTHER BACK, FURTHER

BACK, FURTHER BACK.

NOW ENHANCE.

OH, MY GOD!

I'M A TERRORIST.

IF I'M A TERRORIST CONNECTED TO

BIN TALAL, WHY DID THEY LET ME

BUILD MY STUDIO SO CLOSE TO

GROUND ZERO?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S PRETTY CLOSE.

I MEAN, IT'S...

[APPLAUSE]

IT'S FIVE MILES.

THAT'S LESS THAN A 10K.

I COULD RUN THAT FOR CHARITY.

A TERROR CHARITY.

FOLKS, I HAVE TO BE STOPPED.

NATION, I NEED YOU TO COME HERE

AND PROTEST UNTIL MY STUDIO IS

SHUT DOWN AND I AM TAKEN OFF THE

AIR.

NO, WAIT, THAT'S JUST WHAT I

WANT.

I WANT TO HAVE NO ONE SEE WHAT

I'M DOING.

WHY ELSE WOULD I BE ON BASIC

CABLE?

NOW I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.

EVERYONE IN AMERICA NEEDS TO

WATCH MY SHOW.

LET'S KEEP THIS GUY IN THE

SPOTLIGHT.

IN FACT, IN FACT, LET'S FIND OUT

WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY RIGHT OVER

THERE.

[SIREN BLARES]

[APPLAUSE]

FIRST OFF I'D LIKE TO THANK

KHALED BIN TALAL FOR HIS

GENEROUS CONTRIBUTION TO THE

YELLOW RIBBON FUND AND THANK OUR

CORPORATE SPONSOR, AT&T, FOR

MATCHING HIS CONTRIBUTION.

I ONLY HAVE ONE QUESTION: WHICH||

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