Tip/Wag - Bridalplasty, Tom DeLay & AIDS

  • Aired:  11/29/10
  •  | Views: 37,343

Engaged women compete for plastic surgery, Tom DeLay faces life in prison for money laundering, and celebrities refuse to tweet until fans donate $1 million to AIDS research. (7:39)

RANG SYNE.

NATION, THEY SAY OPINIONS ARE

LIKE [BLEEPED].

RIGHT NOW I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY

VIEWS RIGHT UP YOUR PIN.

THIS IS "TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF

THE FINGER."

FOLKS, I LOVE MARRIAGE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

IF YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH, WHY

AREN'T YOU MARRIED?

>> I DID AND WE'RE VERY HAPPY.

RIGHT NOW MAJOR IN AMERICA IS IN

SHAMBLES.

THINGS ARE ONLY GETTING WORSE,

FOLKS.

THE RATE OF DIVORCE HAS ALMOST

DOUBLED SINCE THE 1960s.

IT WAS A SIMPLER TIME WHEN

MORALS WERE STRONG AND COUPLES

WORKED OUT THEIR PROBLEMS WITH

OLD-FASHIONED WAY -- PASSIVE

AGGRESSIVE WOODWORKING AND

ENOUGH VALIUM TO DROP A PONY.

WELL, ACCORDING TO PEW RESEARCH,

NEARLY FOUR IN TEN AMERICANS SAY

MARRIAGE IS BECOMING OBSOLETE

WHILE THE OTHER SIX SAID THINGS

ARE GOING GREAT, REALLY, REALLY

GREAT, THEN BURST INTO TEARS.

THAT'S WHY I'M GIVING A BIG TIP

OF MY HAT TO E!

ENTERTAINMENT TELEVISION.

E!

ANSWERS THE DIFFICULT QUESTIONS

THAT KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT, LIKE

WHO THE HELL IS KEN DARK AND WHY

I AM FOUR HOURS INTO A

KENDRA-THON, BUT E HAS REALLY

OUTDONE THEMSELVES WITH A SHOW

THAT PREMIERED LAST NIGHT.

JIM.

>> EVERY BRIDE WANTS THE LOOK

PERFECT ON HER WEDDING DAY, BUT

SOME MAY USE SOME EXTRA HELP.

>> A LITTLE EXCESS TISSUE HERE.

>> A LITTLE?

>> NOW THERE'S A PLACE WHERE

THEY CAN COME TO COMPLETE THEIR

QUEST FOR ULTIMATE PERFECTION.

>> TAP, TAP.

>> THIS IS BRIDAL-PLASTY.

>> Stephen: YES,

BRIDAL-PLASTY, A NEW REALITY

SHOW IN WHICH 12 NEWLY ENGAGED

WOMEN COMPLETE FOR PLASTIC

SURGERY, BECAUSE MARRIAGE ISN'T

OBSOLETE, IT JUST NEEDED ITS

SEPTUM SHATTERED AN REFORMED.

YOU SEE, EACH WEEK THE FRANKEN

BRIDES COMPETE TO WIN A SURGICAL

PROCEDURE FROM THEIR WISH LIFT,

LIKE CHEYENNE'S GUM REDUCTION

AND SECOND TOE SHORTENING OR

LISA'S EIGHT DIFFERENT TYPES OF

LIPOSUCTION.

ONLY EIGHT, LISA?

SOMEONE'S NOT REALLY COMMITTED

TO THIS MARRIAGE.

BY THE WAY, DON'T WORRY, REALITY

SHOWS BELIEVE IN USING EVERY

PART OF THE CONTESTANT.

THAT LIPOFAT IS GOING STRAIGHT

TO THE ACE OF ACHES.

NOW, AT THE END... SOUNDS

DELICIOUS, I KNOW.

AT THE END OF EIGHT WEEKS OF

ELIMINATION, ONE REMAINING BRIDE

WINS BIG.

>> THE LAST BRIDE STAND WILLING

NOT ONLY COMPLETE HER

HEAD-TO-TOE TRANSFORMATION, SHE

WILL ALSO GET A CELEBRITY STYLE

DREAM WEDDING AFTER BEING AWAY

FROM HER FIANCEE FOR FOUR

MONTHS.

SHE WILL FINALLY WALK DOWN THE

AISLE, AND HE WILL LIFT HER VEIL

VEIL TO REVEAL HER NEW LOOK FOR

THE VERY FIRST TIME.

>> AND THEN SHE'LL HEAR THE

WORDS EVERY WOMAN LONGS TO HEAR

"I DO... NOT RECOGNIZE YOU.

"

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NEXT, FOLKS, ON THANKSGIVING

EVE, I HAD JUST FINISHED TAKING

MY JELL-O SALAD OUT OF ITS

RONALD REAGAN-SHAPED MOLD, AND I

CLICKED ON SPECIAL REPORT.

ANYWAY, I WAS ELBOW DEEP UP A

TURKEY'S WAZOO, I LIKE TO JAM A

COUPLE CORNISH GAME HENS WHERE

THE SUN DON'T SHINE, WHEN I

HEARD SOME TERRIBLE NEWS ABOUT

FRIEND OF THE SHOW TOM DELAY.

JIM.

>> FORMER HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER

TOM DELAY HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY

ON TWO COUNTS OF MONEY

LAUNDERING.

THE JURY IN AUSTIN, TEXAS, HAS

JUST RETURNED ITS VERDICT

MOMENTS AGO.

DELAY COULD FACE LIFE IN PRISON.

>> Stephen: LIFE IN PRISON.

THERE IS NO WAY HE'LL LIVE THAT

LONG.

SO A WAG OF MY FINGER TO THE

AMERICAN CRIMINAL JUSTICE

SYSTEMMENT COME ON!

GET THIS, FOLKS: THE JURY SAID

THAT IN 2002 DELAY ILLEGALLY

FUNNELED MONEY FROM HIS

POLITICAL ACTION COMMITTEE TO

HELP GET TEXAS REPUBLICANS

ELECTED, WHICH IS ABSURD.

DELAY DIDN'T NEED TO LAWBSDER

MONEY TO ELECT TEXAS

REPUBLICANS.

HE HAD ALREADY GERRYMANDERED

EVERY CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT.

LAUNDERING MONEY WOULD BE A

WASTE OF TIME.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I MEAN, FOLKS, WE ALL KNOW THE

OLD SAYING, WHY PAY FOR THE MILK

WHEN YOU CAN REDISTRICT THE COW

INTO THE SHAPE OF AN ELEPHANT.

BUT NATION, I WILL NOT LET A

FRIEND OF THE SHOW GO DOWN

WITHOUT A FIGHT.

YOU SEE, BACK IN 2007, MY FRIEND

DELAY, KNOWN TO HIS FRIENDS AND

ENEMIES AS "THE HAMMER," CAME ON

THIS PROGRAM AND SIGNED MY

HAMMER.

AND BOY, I WISH I COULD SEND

THAT HAMMER TO HIM RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, HAMMER WOULD COME IN SO

HANDY IN PRISON.

I MEAN, YOU COULD BUST OPEN A

LOCK AND THEN KNOCK OUT A GUARD

AND RUN FOR DAYLIGHT.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY I SEEM TO HAVE

MISPLACED THAT HAMMER WHILE I

WAS BAKING THIS CAKE I'M GOING

TO SEND TO DELAY TO COMFORT HIM

IN PRISON.

( APPLAUSE )

YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH.

BY THE WAY, TOM, THIS CAKE IS

NOT ONLY DELICIOUS, IT IS GOOD

FOR YOU.

IT'S FULL OF IRON.

( LAUGHTER )

AND A HAMMER.

( LAUGHTER )

WE'LL SEE YOU SOON, BUDDY.

NOW, FINALLY, THOSE JIMMIES ARE

OUT OF CONTROL.

FINALLY, A STERN WAG OF MY

FINGER AT AIDS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU HEARD ME RIGHT, FOLKS.

I JUST CAME OUT AGAINST AIDS.

I DON'T CARE IF THAT COSTS ME

THE EMMY OR AIDS PULLS ITS

SPONSORSHIP.

I AM AGAINST IT.

I'LL START.

I'LL START.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YEAH.

JIMMY, JIMMY, TELL 'EM WHY.

>> CELEBRITIES WITH SOME OF THE

BIGGEST FOLLOWINGS ON TWIT RER

STAGING A DIGITAL DEBT, STARS

LIKE LADY GAGA, JUST TIB

TIMBERLAKE, USHER, RYAN SEACREST

AND KIM KARDASHIAN SAY THEY'RE

NOT SENDING ANOTHER TWEET UNTIL

FANS HAVE DONATED $1 MILLION TO

CHARITY.

IT STARTS ON WEDNESDAY FOR WORLD

AIDS DAY.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

KIM KARDASHIAN IS GOING THE STOP

TWEETING.

FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT FOR ME AIDS JUST GOT REAL.

THESE CELEBRITIES, THESE

CELEBRITIES ARE SAYING THEY ARE

DIGITALLY DEAD, AS DEMONSTRATED

BY THIS ACTUAL AD FEATURING

MS. KARDASHIAN SAYING SHE IS

DEAD TO ALL SOCIAL NETWORKING.

NO, KIM, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO NOT

GIVE US MINUTE-TO-MINUTE UPDATES

THAT FILL THE EMPTY VOID IN OUR

LIVES WITH THE EMPTY VOIGHT IN

YOURS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

HERE'S HOW IT'S GOING TO WORK,

FOLKS, HERE'S HOW IT'S GOING TO

WORK, SHE AND THE OTHER

CELEBRITIES WON'T COME BACK THE

LIFE UNTIL THEIR FANS GIVE $1

MILLION TO AIDS RESEARCH.

FOLKS, I WANT EVERYBODY TO HEAD

OVER THE BUYLIFE.ORG AN GIVE

GENERALLY IS.

REMEMBER, AT $1 MILLION, THEY'LL

START TWEETING AGAIN.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST STOP AT $999,9