Sport Report - Professional Soccer Toddler, Golf Innovations & Washington Redskins Charm Offensive

  • Aired:  03/26/14
  •  | Views: 214,373

A Belgian soccer team signs a 20-month-old baby, the PGA attempts to make golf more interesting, and the Washington Redskins extend an olive branch to Native Americans. (8:17)

( LAUGHTER )NOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE

NEWS, YOU KNOW WE'RE REACHINGTHE END OF MARCH MADNESS.

IT COMES IN LIKE A LION, ANDGOES OUT LIKE A LION LOSING 10

GRAND BETTING ON WICHITA STATE.

THIS IS THE SPORT REPORT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )WOOOO!

WOOO!

FOLKS, WE ARE IN A DARK CHAPTEROF AMERICAN HISTORY.

SWEDEN IS BEATING USEDUCATIONALLY.

CHINA IS BEATING USECONOMICALLY.

AND ALBANIA IS BEATING USALPHABETICALLY.

( LAUGHTER )I'LL SAY IT AGAIN-- WE MUST

CHANGE OUR NAME TOONE-UNDERSTORE-AAAAMERICA.

AND NOW I CAN'T BELIEVE I'MSAYING THIS-- WE'RE BEING BEATEN

RECRUITING YOUNG ATHLETES.

WE'RE THE ONES WHO DRAFTEDLEBRON AT 18 WHEN HE ONLY LOOKED

38, BUT THESE DAYS, 18 ISANCIENT, ESPECIALLY IN SOCCER,

OR AS THE EUROPEANS CALL IT,FOOT SOCCER, BECAUSE THE WAFFLE

EATING MAYO DIPPERS INBELGIUM HAVE SIGNED A

20-MONTH-OLD TODDLER TO APROFESSIONAL SOCCER CONTRACT.

THIS BOY, WHOSE NAME IS BRYCEBRITES, WAS SIGNED BY A BELGIAN

TEAM WHOSE SPOKESMAN SAID HISBALL CONTROL IS INCREDIBLE FOR

SOMEONE HIS AGE.

YES, HIS BALL CONTROL ISINCREDIBLE UNLESS IS IT ROLLS

BEHIND THE COUCH BECAUSE HE'SNOT OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE OBJECT

PERMANENCE YET.

BUT BRYCE HAS GOT THEFUNDAMENTALS.

JIMMY, LET'S GO TO THE TAPE.

>> AND HERE COMES BRYCE,CARRYING IT HALF A METER,

DRIBBLING WITH BOTH FEET,STRAIGHT TO THE WALL, AND HE'S

RIGHT BACK ON THE PITCH, LEAVINGTHE COACH IN THE DUST.

AND HE SPOTTED SOMETHING SHINY.

>> Stephen: JUST IMAGINE THEHEADERS HE'LL BE ABLE TO DO ONCE

HIS FONTANEL CLOSES.

CLEARLY, AMERICA NEEDS TO UP OURRECRUITING GAME.

I SAY IF WE WANT ANY SHOTS ATWINNING THE 2032 WORLD CUP, WE

NEED SCOUTS COVERING LAMAZECLASSES AND SIGNING THE BIGGEST

KICKERS.

AND THAT GOES FOR ALL SPORTS.

WE SHOULD START SCOUTING SPERM,BECAUSE THE FASTEST SWIMMER

COULD BE THE NEXT MICHAELPHELPS.

NEXT UP, FOLKS.

( APPLAUSE )NATION, IT'S NO SECRET, I LOVE

PLAYING WITH MY DIMPLED WHITEBALLS.

AND GOLF'S MOST EXCITING ANNUALEVENT IS THE PROFESSIONAL

GOLFERS ASSOCIATION MERCHANDISESHOW.

IT'S LIKE THE REPUBLICANCONVENTION, EXCEPT-- WELL, I

ACTUALLY CAN'T THINK OF ADIFFERENCE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

BUT THIS YEAR'S KEYNOTE SPEAKERSRELAYED SOME SOBERING FACTS

ABOUT THE GAME I NEVER PLAYEDSOBER.

JIM.

>> FOR THE PAST DECADE, 10--MORE THAN 10 YEARS-- OUR GREAT

GAME HAS BEEN IN A STATE OFDECLINE BECAUSE OUR GAME LACKS

INNOVATION.

>> WE'VE LOST FIVE MILLIONGOLFERS OVER THE LAST 10 YEARS,

FIVE MILLION.

THE RESEARCH SAYS THE ANSWERIS VERY SIMPLE-- THEY'RE JUST

NOT HAVING FUN.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: YES, AFTER 500YEARS OF WALKING SLOWLY THROUGH

FIELDS, HITTING BALLS IN THEWRONG DIRECTION, THEN SEARCHING

FOR THEM IN ALGAE-FILLED PONDS,SOMETIMES GOLF ISN'T FUN.

FORTUNATELY, THERE'S A WAY TOGET MILLENNIALS BACK ON THE

LINKS, THANKS TO A NEW WEBSITECALLED HACKGOLF, AN OPEN

INNOVATION INITIATIVE AIMED ATCROWDSOURCING THE FUTURE OF THE

GAME.

hashtagyes.com.

WE NEED TO OPEN, INNOVATE, ANDCROWDSOURCE A GOLF 2.00THAT

APPEALS TO THE TWEENS,SPECIFICALLY TWEEN 55 AND

RETIREMENT.

AND THE HACKGOLF MESSAGE BOARDIS ALREADY ABUZZ WITH

OUTSIDE-THE-BOX THE IDEAS THECROWDSOURCERS HAVE HACKED UP,

INCLUDING SURROUND EACH HOLEWITH NETS SIMILAR TO THE

BARRIERS USED IN BOWLING.

ONLY COUNT THE GOOD SHOTS.

AND FREE BEER.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

WELL, FOLKS, IIGOTTA SAY, I-- ITOOK A MOMENT TO TRY A FAIR

AMOUNT OF THAT LAST DISCUSSION,AND WHILE DOING SO, I CAME UP

WITH MY OWN PARADIGM-SMASHINGGOLF HACK. INSTEAD OF EVERY MAN

FOR HIMSELF, WE DIVIDE GOLFERS INTO

TWO TEAMS AND INSTEAD OF THEMALL HEADING FOR THE SAME GREEN

THEY START ON OPPOSITE SIDES ANDAIM FOR EACH OTHER'S GREENS.

FOR SAFETY, OBVIOUSLY, YOU GOTTALOSE THE CLUBS, AND PUT THE HOLE

10 FEET IN THE AIR AND MAKE THEBALLS BIG AND ORANGE.

NOW, THAT IS A GOLF GAME THATYOUNG PEOPLE MIGHT PLAY.

NEXT UP, FOLKS, FOOTBALL.

THE P.C. POLICE CONTINUE TOHAMMER THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS

OVER THEIR SO-CALLED OFFENSIVENAME, THOUGH, IF YOU'VE SEEN

THEM PLAY RECENTLY THEIR NAME ISTHE LEAST OFFENSIVE THING ON THE

FIELD.

THANKFULLY, REDSKINS OWNERDANIEL SNYDER HAS FOUND A WAY TO

SMOKE'UM THE PEACE PIPE.

>> THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS ARETRYING TO IMPROVE THEIR IMAGE

WITH THE NATIVE AMERICANCOMMUNITY.

OWNER DANIEL SNYDER IS NOWCREATING A FOUNDATION TO ASSIST

AMERICAN INDIAN TRIBES.

>> SNYDER SENT A LETTER TOREDSKINS FANS LAYING OUT A PLAN

TO START THE WASHINGTON REDSKINSORIGINAL AMERICANS FOUNDATION.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, THEWASHINGTON REDSKINS' ORIGINAL

AMERICANS FOUNDATION, BECAUSEREDSKINS IS NOT OFFENSIVE IF YOU

ONLY USE IT ONCE IN YOUR NAME.

( LAUGHTER )AND, FOLKS, THE HEALING HAS

ALREADY BEGUN.

THE CHARITY HAS DISTRIBUTED OVER3,000 COLD WEATHER COATS TO

SEVERAL TRIBES, AND YOU CAN SEEHOW HAPPY THEY ARE IN THEIR NEW

GEAR.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

THE FOUNDATION ALSO ASSISTED INTHE PURCHASE OF A NEW BACKHOE

FOR THE OMAHA TRIBE.

THAT'S RIGHT, ASSISTED-- BECAUSEYOU CAN'T EXPECT A TEAM WORTH

1.7 BILLION TO PAY FORTHE ENTIRE BACKHOE.

THOSE THINGS COST THOUSANDS.

TO COVER THAT PRICE THEY'D HAVETO SELL A BEER AND A SOFT

PRETZEL.

THIS MOVE BY DANIEL SNYDERINSPIRES ME BECAUSE MY SHOW HAS

FREQUENTLY COME UNDER ATTACK FORHAVING A SO-CALLED OFFENSIVE

MASCOT.

MY BELOVED CHARACTER CHING-CHONGDING-DONG.

OH, I LOVE TEA.

IT'S SO GOOD FOR YOU.

GIRL.

YOU COME HERE.

I NEED NO SUGAR WHEN YOU AROUND.

COME ON MY RICKSHAW, I GIVE YOUA RIDE TO BANGKOK.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

NOW, FOLKS THE SMALL MINDED OUTTHERE CAN CALLED CHING-CHONG

DING DONG AN OFFENSIVECARICATURE OF

AN ASIAN AMERICAN.

THAT IS WRONG. HE IS NOT ANAMERICAN. HE IS A CHINAMAN. AND

IF HE EVER HEARD SOMEONE CALLHIM A STEREOTYPE HE WOULD CHOKE

ON HIS OPIUM PIPE.

OF COURSE, THERE IS NO PLEASINGTHE ATTACK DOGS OVER ASIAN MEDIA

WATCH WHO DEMANDED THAT I REMOVECHING-CHONG FROM THE SHOW'S

LETTERHEAD AND STOP HAVING HIMACCEPT AWARDS ON MY BEHALF.

THE POINT IS, THE POINT IS,OFFENSIVE OR NOT-- NOT--

CHING-CHONG IS PART OF THE OF OFTHE UNIQUE HERITAGE OF THE

COLBERT NATION THAT CANNOTCHANGE.

BUT I AM WILLING TO SHOW THEASIAN COMMUNITY I CARE BY

INTRODUCING THE "CHING-CHONGDING-DONG FOUNDATION FOR

SENSITIVITY TO ORIENTALS ORWHATEVER"

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )IT IS A WONDERFUL CHARITY.

THANK YOU.

( APPLAUSE )I WILL APPLAUD MY SENSITIVITY AS

WELL.

IT'S A WONDERFUL CHARITY THAT'SALREADY PROVIDED 3,000 OF THOSE

TRIANGLE HATS TO ASIAN AMERICANSIN NEED.

I ASSUME THERE'S A NEED ECAUSEI NEVER SEE THEM WEARING THOSE

THINGS ANYMORE.

AND I OWE ALL THIS SENSITIVITYTO REDSKINS OWNER DANIEL SNYDER.

SO, ASIANS, SEND YOUR THANK YOULETTERS TO HIM, NOT ME.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

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