Barack Obama vs. North Carolina on Gay Marriage

  • Aired:  05/09/12
  •  | Views: 94,242

Barack Obama becomes the first sitting president to push the rainbow button and launch gay-mageddon, but North Carolina strikes down marriage equality. (4:38)

TIGHEER?

(LAUGHTER) HE STILL LOOKS GOOD.

(LAUGHTER) BECAUSE WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

NOT ONLY DO WE NOT HAVE BODACIOUS PLAYBOY DEBATE MATES,

I THINK ONE OF OUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES JUST MOVED THE WHOLE SITUATION IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.

AND YOU FOE JUST WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THIS AFTERNOON YOUR MARRIAGE STARTED FALEING A LITTLE WEAK,

DIDN'T IT?

YOU GOT A SUDDEN URGE TO ABANDON YOUR FAMILY AND GO ANTIQUING UP AT THE CAPE.

(LAUGHTER) IT'S ALWAYS BECAUSE TODAY BARACK OBAMA BECAME THE FIRST SITTING

PRESIDENT TO PUSH THE RAINBOW BUTTON AND LAUNCH GAME-A-GEDDON.

JIM?

>> I'M GOING GO AHEAD AND AFFIRM THAT...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: NO, STOP!

WAIT, I... WHAT AM I DOING?

GET OUT OF HERE?

>> WE JUST BOUGHT A DOG TOGETHER!

>> Stephen: THIS IS A MISTAKE!

I'M SORRY.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TELL MY MOTHER.

>> Stephen: I'M SORRY!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I'M NEVER GOING TO GET TO THE DEPOSIT BACK ON THIS HALL.

THANKS A LOT, AOB.

I CANNOT BELIEVE A SITTING PRESIDENT ENDORSED GAY MARRIAGE IN THE OVAL OFFICE!

SULLY AGO ROOM ONCE RESERVED FOR STRAIGHT HUMMERS FROM INTERNS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND, FOLKS, WE WILL HAVE MORE ON THIS DRAMATIC ANNOUNCEMENT

TOMORROW BECAUSE THAT INTERVIEW THAT AOB GAVE DOES NOT AIR UNTIL TOMORROW'S "GOOD MORNING

AMERICA." YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS IT.

SO SET YOUR ALARMS TO GAY O'CLOCK.

(APPLAUSE) FOLKS, FOLKS, I WILL TELL YOU THE REASON THE PRESIDENT IS

DOING THIS RIGHT NOW, IT'S CALLED POLITICAL COVER.

THIS AUGUST HE'LL TAKE THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION TO NORTH CAROLINA WHICH LAST

NIGHT BRAVELY DEFENDED TRADITIONAL PENIS-IN-VAGINA MARRIAGE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> VOTERS IN NORTH CAROLINA OVERWHELMINGLY APPROVED A CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT WHICH

DEFINES MARRIAGE AS SOLELY BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN.

>> Stephen: HA!

SUCK IT, GAYS!

(LAUGHTER) BY WHICH I MEAN DO NOT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND ONCE THE ANTIGAY MARRIAGE FORCES HAVE SUCCESSFULLY STUCK

IT TO GAY COUPLES, THEY CELEBRATED IN STYLE.

>> SUPPORTERS OF THE MEASURE HAD A WEDDING CAKE AT THEIR PARTY WITH A BRIDE AND GROOM ON TOP.

>>TOP.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I JUST... YOU JUST DREAM OF THAT SPECIAL DAY WHEN YOU CAN FIND

YOUR SOUL MATE AND TOGETHER YOU CAN CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE OF DENYING PEOPLE THEIR RIGHTS.

I'M SORRY.

(APPLAUSE) I ALWAYS CRY AT THE PREVENTION OF WEDDINGS.

(LAUGHTER) FOLKS, WHAT I LOVE MOST ABOUT THIS BILL IS THAT BY PREVENTING

GAY PEOPLE HAVE FROM HAVING THE LEGAL RIGHT TO MARRY IT NOT ONLY PROTECTS TRADITIONAL STRAIGHT

MARRIAGE BUT ALSO HELPS PRESERVE TRADITIONAL STRAIGHT STEREOTYPES OF GAYNESS!

BECAUSE I BELIEVE GAY PEOPLE SHOULD BE HAVING HOT SWEATY DEPRAVED ANONYMOUS MAN PILES IN

THE BASEMENT OF TECHNOCLUBS DEVOID OF THE SLIGHTEST EMOTIONAL CONNECTION AS GOD INTENDED!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SO CONGRATULATIONS, NORTH CAROLINA, LAST NIGHT YOU STRUCK

A DECISIVE BLOW FOR LONELINESS.

AND TONIGHT AS YOU GO TO SLEEP BESIDE YOUR HETEROSEXUAL LIFE MATE, YOU CAN REST ASSURED THAT

ALL ACROSS YOUR GREAT STATE A GAY MAN OR LESBIAN WOMAN IS CRYING THEMSELVES TO SLEEP IN

SOLITUDE AND MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP STRONGER WITH EVERY TEAR.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OH, THAT REMIND ME, I'VE GOT TO CALL TAD.

(LAUGHTER) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

TAD!

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