ThreatDown - Interdimensional Black People, Gay Strokes & Manipulative Sicko Monkeys

  • Aired:  05/10/12
  •  | Views: 32,638

Minorities use black hole time travel for revenge, strokes suddenly turn people gay, and a zoo is nothing but monkey prison. (6:25)

WASHBOARD ABS.

(LAUGHTER) NOW NATION, THERE IS A COMMON HOUSEHOLD ITEM THAT COULD KILL YOU.

I JUST WISH I KNEW WHAT IT WAS.

THIS IS THE THREATDOWN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) NATION, ANYBODY KNOWS ME KNOWS I AM NO FAN OF VIOLENCE.

IF I HAD MY WAY I WOULD TAKE VIOLENCE OUT BEHIND MY STUDIO AND O BEAT IT WITH A

RUSTY PIPE UNTIL ITS FACE LOOKED LIKE A HALF EATEN RED VELVET CAKE AND THERE IS NO

GREATER ALLY IN THE FIGHT AGAINST VIOLENCE THAN THE NYPD AND THEIR STOP AND

FRISK PROBLEM WHICH ALLOWS NEW YORK POLICE TO SEARCH ANYBODY THEY FIND SUSPICIOUS.

NOW SINCE THIS IS NEW YORK,

I BELIEVE THEY LOOK FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTING STRANGE AND THEN STOP EVERYONE ELSE.

(LAUGHTER) BUT GIVING POLICE THE POWER TO STOP AND SEARCH ANYONE HAS YIELDED SOME TROUBLING STATISTICS.

>> THE DATA SHOWS STOP AND FRISKS HAVE RISEN STEADILY TO ALMOST 700,000 LAST YEAR.

BLACKS AND LATINOS ACCOUNT FOR 87% AND WHEN IT COMES TO YOUNG BLACK MEN IN PARTICULAR, THERE WERE

ACTUALLY MORE STOPS THAN THERE ARE YOUNG BLACK MEN THAN THERE ARE LIVING IN THE CITY.

>> Stephen: THEY STOPPED MORE YOUNG BLACK MEN THEN THERE ARE IN NEW YORK CITY.

THAT COULD MEAN ONLY ONE OF TWO THINGS.

EITHER THEY'RE TARGETING YOUNG BLACK MEN SO OFTEN THAT THE SAME ONES GET

FRISKED OVER AN OVER, OR THE MUCH SLIP LETTER EXPLANATION,

THREAT NUMBER THREE,

INTERDIMENSIONAL BLACK PEOPLE.

CLEARLY, YEARLY THERE IS A RISK IN THE RACE TIME CON TINNIUM.

THEY'RE COMING OVER FROM OTHER DIMENSIONS TO BE BLACK AT US.

THESE MINORITIES ARE TROOFLING HERE VIA SOME KIND OF BLACK HOLE.

I'M SORRY, EX-- EXCUSE ME, O I'M SORRY, AFRICAN-AMERICAN HOLE.

NOW FOLKS I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR, I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE FROM THIS DIMENSION.

THOSE ARE THE GOOD ONES.

BUT BLACK PEOPLE FROM OTHER WORLDS, WHO KNOWS IF THEY ARE FRIENDLY.

IN THOSE OTHER DIMENSIONS FOR ALL I KNOW MY EVIL TWIN IS A HORNL RACIST-- HORRIBLE RACIST.

AND THOSE BLACK INTERDIMENSIONAL INTERLOPERS MIGHT BE HERE FOR REVENGE.

NYPD I BEG YOU TO STOP AND FRISK ALL OF THEM.

NEXT UP, HERE WE ARE JUST ONE DAY AFTER PRESIDENT OBAMA COMES OUT IN FAVOR OF

GAY MARRIAGE AND ALREADY THE WORLD HAS BEEN FLOWN INTO A GAY TAILSPIN.

BY THE WAY O DO NOT GOOGLE GAY TAILSPIN.

DON'T DO IT.

(LAUGHTER) BUT DO TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENSED TO WELSHMAN CHRIS BIRCH.

>> I WAS DOING A FORWARD ROLL DOWN A GRASS BANK ONE DAY AND GOT OFF, WHICH

CAUSED A STROKE TO HAPPEN, I KNEW-- I CAME TO REALIZATION THAT THE STROKE HAD --

>> THAT'S RIGHT, HE SUDDENLY TURNED GAY, IN THE MIDDLE OF HETEROSEXUALLY DOCK SOMMER

SOUGHTS DOWN A HILL.

THE STROKE TURNED HIM FROM A STRAIGHT RUGBY PLAYER TO A GAY HAIRDRESSER.

HE WENT FROM RISING IN PILES OF SWEATY MEN TO BEING GAY.

(LAUGHTER) WELL THAT BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER TWO, GAY STROKES.

FOLKS, THIS STORY CONFIRMS WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS BELIEVED,

THAT STROKES ARE A CHOICE.

AND NOW THAT I KNOW A STROKE COULD TURN ME GAY, I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO AVOID A ENGAYIFIYING EMBOLISM.

I'M TRYING TO LOWER MY BLOOD PRESSURE, EATING THE GYM,

GETTING PRETTY CUT AND SHEDDING POUNDS BY TO THE COOKING WITH BUTTER.

INSTEAD I USE IT TO GREASE UP MY BODY WHEN I WORK OUT THAT WAY NONE OF THOSE

STROKE GAYS OR STROMOSES AS WE CALL THEM AT THE GYM CAN GET A HAND HOLD ON ME.

AND A MOTIVATE ME TOWARDS STRAIGHTNESS EVEN FURTHER, I HAVE HUNG UP PICTURES OF THE

IDEAL STRAIGHT MALE FORM,

MATTHEW McCONNEGHEY.

I WANT TO BE CLEAR.

I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO THIS BRONZE GOD, ALTHOUGH STROKE TO MY HEAD, SURE.

FINALLY, A CHILLING STORY FROM A CHINESE ZOO.

A BABY LANGOR MONKEY ATE A PEANUT THROWN BY A ZOO VISITOR.

AND SINCE THE MONKEY DIDN'T HAVE GRINDING TEETH YET TO BREAK THE PEANUT DOWN IT GOT

LODGED IN HIS INTESTINE THAT IS A LIFE-THREATENING SITUATION.

SO OBVIOUSLY THERE WAS ONLY ONE THING TO DO, A ZOO KEEP HER TO LICK THE MONKEY'S

BUTT FOR AN HOUR UNTIL IT POOPED THE PEANUT OUT.

(LAUGHTER) WHICH BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER ONE, MAN I LATIF SICKO MONKEYS.

YOU SEE, FOLKS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: ACCORDING TO THE REPORT, THE ZOOKEEPER HAD NO OPTION BUT TO RESORT TO THIS

TREATMENT BECAUSE THE MONKEY WAS TOO SMALL FOR MEDICINE.

AND APPARENTLY TOO SMALL FOR A SPONGE, A MOIST TOWEL, A Q-TIP, I DAMP FINGER, A WET

LEAF, ANYTHING IT HAD TO BE MAN TONGUE.

NATION, A ZOO IS NOTHING BUT MONKEY PRISON.

WHICH MEANS THIS MONKEY HAS MADE THIS ZOOKEEPER HIS BITCH.

AND SURE, SURE-- (LAUGHTER)

>> SURE, THE LITTLE MONKEY,

THE LITTLE MONKEY IS FINE NOW BUT TOMORROW YOU KNOW IT WILL BE OOPS, I SWALLOWED ANOTHER PEANUT.

I'M SO CLUMSY.

WHATEVER SHALL WE DO.

(LAUGHTER) AT LEAST NOW WE KNOW WHAT COCO THE GORILLA WAS SIGNING ALL THOSE YEARS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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