Cheating Death - Robo-Sperm & Health Roulette

  • Aired:  01/08/14
  •  | Views: 27,957

Researchers develop magnetized robo-sperm and an app provides a free market solution to seeing a doctor without the crippling burden of having insurance. (6:49)

NOW NATION, IT'S IMPORTANT,I HOPE YOU KNOW THIS, IT IS

IMPORTANT TO TALK TO YOURKIDS ABOUT THE DANGERS OF

DRUGS.

BUT THAT CAN BENERVE-RACKING, SO BEFORE DUE

DO POP SOME XANAX, IT HELPS.

THIS IS CHEATING DEATH WITHDR. STEPHEN T COLBERT, DFA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AS ALWAYS, FOLKS, TEAM DEATH

IS BROUGHT TO YOU BYPRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICALS,

PRESCOTT, LOOK FOR US INYOUR YOUR SPAM FOLDER.

TONIGHT ON CHEATING DEATH,FIRST UP, MEDICAL

MINIATURIZATION.

FOR YEARS NOW SCIENTISTSHAVE THEORIZED THE FUTURE OF

MEDICINE LIES INNANOTECHNOLOGY.

USING MICROSCOPIC ROBOTS TOFIGHT ILLNESSES AND DISEASE,

RECENTLY RESEARCHERS MADE AMAJOR MINIATURIZATION

BREAKTHROUGH IN THEIRABILITY TO CONTROL THESE,

THE FIRST CYBORG SPERMREMOTE CONTROLS USING

MAGNETS.

SCIENTISTS WERE ABLE TOACCOMPLISH THIS BY GETTING

INDIVIDUAL SPERM TO ENTERTINY MAGNETIZED NANOTUBES.

NOW THE OBVIOUS DOWNSIDE OFMAGNETIZED SFERM IS THE

DANGER OF WATCHING PERFORMAND ACCIDENTALLY ERASING

YOUR-- BUT THERE ARE SOMEBENEFITS, FOR EXAMPLE, THESE

LITTLE CYBERSPERM COULD BEUSED TO HELP FERTILIZE AN

EGG OR DELIVER DRUGS TO VERYSPECIFIC PARTS OF THE BODY.

FOR INSTANCE, IT COULDDELIVER ANXIETY MEDICATION

RIGHT TO YOUR BRAIN WHICHYOU WILL NEED AFTER LEARNING

THAT THERE IS SPERM IN YOURBRAIN.

(LAUGHTER)AND IF YOU ARE'S

UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ASTRANGER'S ROBO SPERM

PUSHING DRUGS AROUND YOURBLOODSTREAM, REST ASSURED IT

ISN'T SOME RANDOM PERSON'SSPERM, IT'S RANDOM BULL

SPERM.

(LAUGHTER)YEAH.

SO LADIES, THE GOOD NEWS ISTHERE'S HELP FOR YOUR

INFERTILITY.

THE BAD NEWS YOU'RE HAVING AMINITAUR.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WE'RE GOING TO BUILD YOU ALABYRINTH.

(LAUGHTER)WELL I'M NOT GOING TO LET

THIS CYBERBABY BATTER CRAZEPASS ME BY.

WHICH IS WHY I'M DRIVEGRABBING THE BULL SPERM BY

THE HORNS AND TEAMING UPWITH PRESCOTT PHARMACEUTICAL

TO LAUNCH AN UPGRADE TO MYBEST SELLING LINE OF BABY

BATTER, FORMULA 401 BYINTRODUCING FORMULA 401 OH

ONE OH ONE OH OH ONE.

IT IS RADIO CONTROLLED SPERMTHAT YOU KNOW IS CUTTING

EDGE TECHNOLOGY BECAUSE EACHBATCH OF CYBERSEED WAS

PRODUCED IN THE CORNER OF ALOCAL RADIO SHACK.

(LAUGHTER)BELIEVE ME, THEY'RE HAPPY

JUST TO HAVE ANYONE IN THERENOWADAYS.

SIDE EFFECTS OF FORMULA 401OH ONE OH ONE OH OH ONE

INCLUDE MATHLETE'S FOOT.

INVOLUNTARY JOWL MOVEMENTSAND GLAND OF THE LOST.

NEXT UP, HEALTH TECHNOLOGY.

WE ALL KNOW-- THANK YOU,SKELLY.

WE ALL KNOW OBAMACARE IS ADISASTER.

JUST LACK AT ANY NEWSPAPERHEADLINE FROM WHEN THE WEB

SITE WASN'T WORKING.

LUCKILY, NOW THERE'S A FREEMARKET SOLUTION TO SEEING A

DOCTOR WITHOUT THE CRIPPLINGBURDEN OF HAVING INSURANCE.

JIM?

>> WELCOME TO DR. ON DEMAND.

THE DOCTOR ON DEMAND APPLETSYOU HAVE AN IMMEDIATE

FACE-TO-FACE CONSULTATIONWITH A REAL BOARD-CERTIFIED

LICENSED PHYSICIAN WHO CANDIAGNOSE YOU AND PRESCRIBE

MEDICATION.

>> THIS DOCTOR IS ONE OFABOUT 1,000 DOCTORS

NATIONWIDE TREATING PATIENTSVIA APP.

>> THIS IS A MAJORBREAKTHROUGH.

MEDICAL EXPERTISE WITH THECONVENIENCE OF A SMART

PHONE.

WHY WASTE TIME GETTING ANEXAM WHEN YOU CAN JUST SHOOT

YOUR DOCTOR AN EMOJI OF YOURSHATTERED FEMUR.

LITTLE SUNGLASSES, ISN'TTHAT COOL?

(LAUGHTER)WITH DR. ON DEMAND YOU

FACETIME WITH A DOCTOR FROMYOUR COMPUTER, SMART PHONE

OR TABLET WHICH IS GREATNEWS FOR ANYONE WITH AN

IPHONE, AN ANDROID OR APUBLIC LIBRARY WHERE THEY

CAN PRESS THEIR JUNK UPAGAINST A WEB CAM.

(LAUGHTER)FOLKS, THIS APP IS GOING TO

REVOLUTIONIZE MEDICINE.

IT'S DESIGNED TO MOD OTHERTHAN-- MODERNIZE THE

HEALTH-CARE SYSTEM BY USINGMOBILE TECHNOLOGY TO MAKE A

SIMPLE DOCTOR'S VISITSTRESS-FREE FOR PATIENTS AND

DOCTORS ALIKE.

YES, IT'S LESS STRESSFUL FOREVERYONE.

DO YOU REALLY THINK YOURDOCTOR ENJOYS CUPPING YOUR

BALLS?

NO.

NOW CAN WATCH YOU DO ITYOURSELF.

AND HEY, IF YOU GET REALLYGOOD AT IT, I KNOW A SITE

THAT WILL PAY YOU $40 TO DOIT ON CAMERA.

(LAUGHTER)AND ONCE YOU CONNECT WITH A

DOCTOR YOU CAN EVEN UPLOADPHOTOS FOR THEM TO EXAMINE.

IN FACT, THE ONLY THING YOUCAN'T DO IS SEND A STOOL

SAMPLE.

LEARNED THAT ONE THE HARDWAY.

RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD HEADPHONE JACK.

CLEARLY, CLEARLY APP-BASEDHEALTH CARE IS THE FUTURE OF

MODERN MEDICINE.

AND PRESCOTT WILL NOT BEOUTFUTURED.

THAT'S WHY THEY ARE PROUD TOINTRODUCE A BRAND-NEW APP,

IT'S CALLED HEALTH ROULETTE.

FOR JUST $20 YOU CAN GET A30 SECOND FACE-TO-FACE

CONSULTATION WITH ACERTIFIED MEDICALLY AWARE

HUMAN AND MEMBER OF THEHEALTH ROULETTE COMMUNITY.

WILL IT BE A DOCTOR?

MAYBE.

THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLEDHEALTH ROULETTE-- ROULETTE.

SIMPLY PRESS CONSULT AND YOUHAVE LOGGED IN TO YOUR FIRST

A POINTMENT.

OKAY, HELLO THERE.

I HAVE GOT A LITTLE RASH ONMY HAND, DOES THAT LOOK RED

AND SWOLLEN TO YOU?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

DOES THIS LOOK RED ANSWOLLEN?

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.

YEAH, YEAH, YOU MIGHT WANTTO PUT SOME OINTMENT-- AND

YOU ALREADY HAVE.

OKAY.

SIDE EFFECTS-- (APPLAUSE)

>> SIDE EFFECTS HAVE HELPHEALTH ROULETTE INCLUDE A

TEMP-AND-TEETH, CARNEY TOOBAND ABRA CAD DAVER.

THAT IS IT FOR SHEETINGDEATH.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY PRESCOTTPHARMACEUTICALS FAMILY-OWNED

FOR THREE GENERATIONSBECAUSE WE CAN'T LIFT THE

CURSE.

UNTIL NEXT TIME I WILL SEENEW HEALTH