New York's Ban on Tiger Selfies

  • Aired:  06/24/14
  •  | Views: 15,091

New York legislators take aim at an Internet dating trend by making it illegal to pose for a selfie with a tiger. (4:44)

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>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

FOLKS, I LOVE NEW YORK CITY.

PEOPLE ARE JUST--( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

LISTEN TO THAT.

PEOPLE ARE SO FRIENDLY HERE.

YOU CAN GO OUT ON THE STREET ANYDAY, STICK OUT YOUR ARM, AND

SOMEONE WILL GIVE YOU A RIDE FORFREE.

AND THEN WHEN YOU GET OUT OF THECAR, THEY SHOUT GOOD-BYE TO YOU

IN THEIR STRANGE AND ANGRYLANGUAGE.

BUT SADLY, NOWHERE IS BIGGOVERNMENT MORE INTRUSIVE THAN

THE BIG APPLE.

YOU THINK YOU CAN FORCE ME INTOALTERNATE SIDE-OF-THE-STREET

PARKING? GUESS WHAT, COPPERS?

YOU CAN KEEP MY CAR, AND GOODLUCK FINDING A PLACE TO PARK IT.

WELL, NOW THE OVER-REACH HASREACHED TOO OVER AS THE "NEW

YORK POST" REPORTS, STATELEGISLATORS HAVE PASSED A BILL

BANNING PEOPLE FOR POSING FORPHOTOS WHILE HUGGING, PATTING,

OR OTHERWISE TOUCHING TIGERS.

YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT-- NEW YORKWANTS TO MAKE IT ILLEGAL TO TAKE

A TIGER SELFIE.

A CLEAR INFRINGEMENT ON OURFREEDOM OF SPEECH.

THAT SPEECH?

THE FLASH IS OFF, RIGHT?

OH, GOD NO!

ALSO BEING DONE IN THE NAME OFINCREASING SAFETY AT TRAVELING

CIRCUSES AND COUNTY FAIRS -- OH,FOR PETE'S SAKE WHO WANTS SAFETY

AT THE COUNTY FAIR YOU GO THERETO FILL UP ON FRIED NITRATES AND

STRAP YOUR CHILDREN INTO A RIGHTOPERATED BY METH-ADDLED TEENS.

YOU'D BE SAFER IF THE TIGER WASRUNNING THE TILT-A-WHIRL.

I HAVE BEEN WARNING YOU THIS WASCOMING SINCE 2010.

MARK MY WORDS, FOLKS. FIRST THEYCOME FOR YOUR FOUR LOCO

NEXT THEY'LL BE BANNING PEOPLEFROM TAKING PHOTOS WHILE

PATTING, HUGGING, OR OTHERWISETOUCHING PANTHERS.

SO CLOSE.

SO CLOSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY--( APPLAUSE )

I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVER LOSTTHAT BEARD.

OF COURSE, THE BIGGEST VICTIMSOF THIS PLAN ARE, AS USUAL IN

OBAMA'S AMERICA, GUYS TRYING TOGET LAID.

>> TIGER SELFIES A BIG TREND ONA DATING APP.

IT IS A GROWING TREND ON SITESLIKE TINDER AND OK CUPID

>> Stephen: OH YEAH, LADIESLOVE A MAN WHO CUDDLES UP WITH

BIG GAME CATS. IT SHOWS YOU'RESPONTANEOUS AND DON'T OVER-THINK

THINGS. NOW, HOW WILL GUYS SHOWTHEY'RE FUN AND ADVENTUROUS ON

DATING SITES WITHOUT TIGERSELFIES?

IT'S EITHER THAT OR PHOTOS OFYOU ROCK CLIMBING OR IF YOU'RE

REALLY COOL, DOING BOTH.

( LAUGHTER )IT IS ALREADY-- IT IS ALREADY

HARD ENOUGH FOR GUYS TO LOOKCOOL AND DANGEROUS IN NEW YORK

AFTER MAYOR BLOOMBERG TOOK AWAYOUR CIGARETTES, TOOK AWAY OUR

GUNS AND TOOK AWAY OUR BIGGULPS.

LADIES, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAYABOUT A GUY WITH A BIG GULP--

HE'S ALSO PROBABLY GOT A BIGRISK OF DIABETES.

AND LIKE IT OR NOT, FOLKS, LIKEIT OR NOT, TIGER SELFIES ARE NOT

SOME PASSING FAD.

IN FACT, TINDER USERS ESTIMATETHEY ENCOUNTER TIGERS IN

ONE OUT OF EVERY 10 PROFILESTHEY VIEW-- ONE IN 10!

I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE THATMANY TIGERS STILL LEFT OUT

THERE.

THAT'S ACTUALLY GREAT NEWS I'VEGOT TO IMAGINE THAT JUST MARKET

FORCES, THE OBVIOUS BOON IN THETIGER POPULATION IS BECAUSE THEY

NOW SERVE SOME MARKETABLEPURPOSE.

THIS IS HOW ENDANGERED SPECIESCAN SAVE THEMSELVES -- BY

HELPING US GET LAID.

SORRY, DODO, BUT YOUR TERRIBLEWINGS MADE YOU A TERRIBLE

WINGMAN.

YOU HAD TO GO.

AND TONIGHT I'M CALLING ON THEBRO-MMUNITY TO PHOTOGRAPH

THEMSELVES WITH AS MANYENDANGERED SPECIES AS POSSIBLE

TO FIND OUT IF THAT ANIMALATTRACTS WOMEN.

( LAUGHTER )I'M TALKING ABOUT THE NOBLE SNOW

LEOPARD.

THE BREATH-TAKING BLUE WHALE.

THE MAJESTIC SANTA CRUZLONG-TOED SALAMANDER.

I JUST HOPE WE'RE NOT TOO LATETO SAVE THE WESTERN BLACK RHINO.

BY THE WAY, THIS EPISODE OF THETHE "COLBERT REPORT" IS

DEDICATED TO OUR FRIEND, PHILHILDEBRAND.

PAUL WORKED IN THE GRAPHICSDEPARTMENT, AND HE COULD HAVE

JUST PHOTO SHOPPED THAT, BUT HEWANTED TO GET IT JUST RIGHT.

AND-- AND BECAUSE I TOLD HIM TO.

( LAUGHTER )I WANT HIS FAMILY TO KNOW THAT

HE DIED WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE.

( LAUGHTER )HE WILL BE MISSED.

( APPLAUSE )WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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