Vladimir Putin's Space Station Ban

  • Aired:  05/15/14
  •  | Views: 17,069

Vladimir Putin responds to Ukraine sanctions by declaring that Russia will not help launch Americans into space past 2020. (5:38)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> Stephen: WHOOO!

WHOOO!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THEREPORT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOININGUS.

NATION-- THANK YOU.

FOLKS, IT'S WONDERFUL TO HAVEYOU IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL

AROUND THE WORLD.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE TOSAY RIGHT OFF THE BAT, I KNOW

THIS IS NOT GOING TO COME TO ANYSURPRISE TO ALL YOU HEROES OUT

THERE BUT I'VE HAD IT UP TO HEREWITH RUSSIA.

VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS BEENOUT-MASCULATING BARACK OBAMA AT

EVERY TURN.

IT'S LIKE OBAMA IS PLAYINGCHECKERS, AND PUTIN IS ALSO

PLAYING CHECKERS BUT DOING ITSHIRTLESS WHILE RIDING A HORSE.

PUTIN'S STREAK OF MAN-CHIEVEMENTCONTINUED ON SATURDAY

>> RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIRPUTIN WAS BUSY PLAYING HOCKEY IN

SOCHI.

THE GAME REPORTEDLY AIRED ONRUSSIAN TELEVISION SATURDAY

NIGHT.

PRESIDENT PUTIN SUPPOSEDLY LED ATEAM OF HOCKEY STARS, INCLUDING

FORMER NHL-ERS TO A 24-1 WIN.

>> HE SHOOTS. HE SCORES.

SPECTATORS SAW THAT EARLYAND OFTEN FROM AN EXHIBITION

HOCKEY GAME.

>> PUTIN DAZZLED THE CROWD, WASABLE TO SCORE SIX GOALS IN A

SINGLE GAME.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THE OTHER TEAM--THE OTHER TEAM WOULD HAVE TRIED

TO STOP PUTIN, BUT HIS GAMESOFTEN END IN SUDDEN DEATH.

( LAUGHTER )NOW JUST TAKE A LOOK AT PUTIN IN

A SHOW MANY ARE CALLING"DICTATOR ON ICE."

HE'S SUCH A SPEED DEMON, THEPROFESSIONAL GOALIES TRIP OVER

THEIR OWN SKATES AS SOON AS HEAPPROACHES.

BUT THE MOST IMPRESSIVE THINGABOUT PUTIN'S PERFORMANCE IS

THAT IT WAS ONLY SIX YEARS AGOTHAT HE LEARNED TO SKATE.

AND THE FIRST FIVE YEARS OF HISHOCKEY TRAINING WERE SPENT

PUTTING THE HELMET ON BACKWARDS.

WHILE HE'S HITTING SLAPSHOTS,WE'RE SLAPPING HIM WITH

SANCTIONS.

IN RESPONSE, PUTIN HAS THROWN AHIGH-STAKES HISSY FIT.

>> RUSSIA ANNOUNCED TODAY ITWOULD KEEP U.S. ASTRONAUTS OFF

THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATIONAFTER THE YEAR 2020.

THE PROBLEM IS, THE RUSSIANS ARETHE ONLY WAY TO GET THERE.

THE AMERICANS HITCH A RIDE ONTHE SOYUZ SPACECRAFT.

THE TWO NATIONS HAVE COOPERATEDIN SPACE FOR OVER TWO DECADES

>> THEY'RE CUTTING OFFAMERICA'S ACCESS TO THE SPACE

STATION, VLADIMIR PUTIN FIRINGBACK OVER UKRAINE SANCTIONS

SAYING RUSSIA WILL NOT HELPLAUNCH AMERICANS INTO SPACE PAST

2020.

>> Stephen: RUSSIA-- OUR SPACEBOYFRIENDS BROKE UP WITH US

AND, OF COURSE, THE WORST PARTOF EVERY BREAKUP IS CANCELLING

THE TRIP YOU HAD PLANNED FOR SIXYEARS FROM NOW.

THIS IS SO AWKWARD BECAUSE RIGHTNOW RUSSIAN AND AMERICAN

ASTRONAUTS ARE UP THERETOGETHER.

WE'RE STILL LIVING TOGETHER INTHE SAME PLACE.

NOW IT'S GOING TO BE ALL WEIRDBUMPING INTO EACH OTHER WHEN WE

NEED TO USE THE WASTE VENT.

THE RUSSIANS AREN'T JUSTBREAKING UP WITH US.

THEY'RE MOCKING US.

RUSSIAN SPACE OFFICIAL ANDSLAVIC CHRIS CHRISTIE DIMITRI

ROGOZIN--( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )HE TWEETED, "I SUGGEST THE U.S.

DELIVERS ITS ASTRONAUTS TO THEI.S.S. WITH A TRAMPOLINE.

HA-HA-HILARIOUS

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE DON'T NEED A TRAMPOLINEBECAUSE WE'LL JUST GET INTO

ORBIT ON OUR NEW ROCKET.

THREE, TWO, ONE.

HOUSTON!

WE HAVE LIFTOFF!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )DELIVERED ITS PAYLOAD.

AND, OH, OH, RUSSIA, OH, NO.

OUR ASTRONAUTS WILL HAVE TO GOBACK TO TAKING OFF FROM SUNNY

FLORIDA INSTEAD OF THE BEAUTIFULRESORT TOWN OF BAIKONUR,

KAZAKHSTAN.

IN THE MEANTIME, RUSSIA'SPLAYING RIGHT INTO OUR HANDS,

FOLKS.

THEY DON'T REALIZE AMERICA'S GOTA SECRET WEAPON ABOARD THE

INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION-- MYTREADMILL, THE COMBINED

OPERATIONAL LOAD-BEARINGEXTERNAL RESISTANCE TREADMILL,

OR THE COLBERT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )AND, LOOK, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW,

SOMEBODY IS ON IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S PROBABLY NOT AN AMERICANBECAUSE HE'S EXERCISING.

OKAY.

TIME TO SPRING THE TRAP.

ATTENTION!

ATTENTION, COLBERT TREADMILLACTIVATE CRISIS PROTOCOL ALPHA,

GAMMA, VICTOR. TRANSFORM THEPLASMA CANNONS TO

RETAKE THE I.S.S. FORAMERICA.

ENGAGE, TREADMILL.

HELLO?

IS THIS ON?

( LAUGHTER ) ALTERNATIVE PLAN,TREADMILL, CONTINUE OPERATING

NORMALLY

AND MAKE HIM ALLSWEATY.

GOOD TREADMILL.

KILL! ( LAUGHTER )

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