Bug Protein

  • Aired:  05/15/13
  •  | Views: 38,592

According to the United Nations, all New Yorkers with bed bugs are technically ranchers raising healthy sources of fat, protein and fiber. (2:32)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

REPORT.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

I HOPE YOU CAN TELL AT HOME,

THESE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ARE

TRUE BELIEVERS.

MEMBERS OF THE NATION AND HEROES

ONE AND ALL.

THANK YOU.

FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, I

DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT I AM

UN-FOND OF THE U.N.

THESE DAGS HAMMER SCOLDS ARE

HELL BENT ON TAKING AWAY OUR

GUNS AND THEN FORCING US TO

SPEAK ESPERANTO.

YOU CAN HAVE MY GUNS WHEN I PRY

THEM FROM MY MALVARMAJ MANOJ

MORTITAJ.

AND I MEAN THAT.

BUT NOW THE U.N. HAS DONE

SOMETHING TRULY UNFORGIVABLE.

>> THE U.N. HAS A NEW SOLUTION

TO FIGHT HUNGER: BUGS.

>> THE U.N. SAYS CREATURES LIKE

SCORPIONS, CICADAS AND LOCUSTS

ARE A HEALTHY SOURCE OF FAT,

PROTEIN AND FIBER.

>> Stephen: THE U.N. BULLIES

WANT TO MAKE US EAT A BUG.

WHAT'S NEXT?

SOLVE THE GLOBAL WATER CRISIS

THROUGH SUSTAINABLE SWIRLIES?

AND FOLKS, I FOR ONE DO NOT BUY

THE U.N. CLAIMS THAT, QUOTE,

MINI-LIVESTOCK OFFER LIVELIHOOD

OPPORTUNITIES FOR BOTH URBAN AND

RURAL PEOPLE.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

MINI-LIVESTOCK.

SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

ACCORDING TO THE U.N., ALL YOU

NEW YORKERS WITH BED BUGS ARE

TECHNICALLY RANCHERS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

WELL, FOLKS, YOU WILL NEVER

CATCH ME EATING BUGS.

I DON'T EVEN EAT GUMMY WORMS.

I JUST USE THEM TO CATCH SWEDISH

FISH.

AND I HAVE ONE THING TO SAY TO

THE U.N.

YOU FIRST, GENTLEMEN, BECAUSE

FROM WHAT I HEAR, YOUR DELEGATES

ARE SHUTTLED BY FLEETS OF

BENTLEYS AND MERCEDES BENZES TO

DINE AT UPSCALE SPOTS LIKE

HARRY'S BAR AND CIPRIANI WHERE

I'M PRETTY SURE THEIR COQ AU

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