Times Square Terrorism

  • Aired:  05/03/10
  •  | Views: 54,652

They may take our safety and security, but they will never take our rhinestone-studded Big Apple thongs and porn shop anal beads. (3:10)

FOLKS, WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

GLAD TO SEE THAT ALL OF YOU ARE SAFE.

AS YOU KNOW, THERE'S BEEN ANOTHER ATTACK ON THE HOMELAND.

AT 6:30 ON SATURDAY NIGHT, AN IDLING S.U.V. LOADED WITH AN EXPLOSIVE DEVICE WAS DISCOVERED

TEN BLOCKS FROM THIS STUDIO IN TIMES SQUARE.

PRETTY SCARY STUFF.

JIM?

>> OFFICIALS HAVE DESCRIBED THIS EXPLOSIVE DEVICE AS CRUDELY CONSTRUCTED, AMATEURISH.

>> IT WAS A RATHER AMATEURISH-TYPE OF BOMB.

>> IT LOOKED AMATEURISH I THINK IS A NICE WAY THE PHRASE IT.

>> THIS WAS AN INCOMPETENT BOMBER.

>> THIS WAS FRANKLY PRETTY PITIFUL.

>> THIS WAS REALLY SO INCOMPETENT.

>> IT WAS FAILURE, GUYS.

>> NO, GUY, IT WAS SCARY,

REMEMBER.

HI, MR. TERRORIST, WHOEVER YOU ARE.

THOSE PEOPLE ARE JUST JEALOUS.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WAS A WONDERFUL BOMB, AND WE ARE ALL SUFFICIENTLY TERRIFIED.

THERE IS NO NEED TO TRY AGAIN.

OKAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW, THE GOOD NEWS FOR THOSE OF US WHO LIVE IN THE CITY IS THAT THE TERRORIST HAS SHOWN HE HAS

NOTHING AGAINST NEW YORKERS.

SINCE HE TARGETED TIMES SQUARE,

THE ONE PART OF MANHATTAN ACTUAL NEW YORKERS NEVER GO.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT...

[APPLAUSE]

FOLKS, AFTER THIS ATTACK, I BELIEVE WE ARE ALL NOW TIMES SQUARIANS.

IN OUR HEARTS WE ALL NOW LIVE BETWEEN THE GIANT CUP O'NOODLES AND THE GIANT COCA-COLA BOTTLE,

AN WE WILL FIGHT THEM AT CAROLINE'S.

WE WILL FIGHT THEM AT THE ESPN ZONE.

AND FROM BARE ELEGANCE TO FLASHDANCERS, ARM IN ARM WE WILL STAND WITH DRAMA QUEEN WITCHES

AND PUPPETS WHO SAY [BLEEP].

BECAUSE, FOLKS, THEY DON'T JUST HATE US FOR OUR FREEDOM.

NOW THEY HATE US FOR OUR SOUVENIRS OF FREEDOM, FROM OUR PLASTIC LADY LIBERTY TO OUR FOAM

CROWN LADY LIBERTY TO OUR GREEN M&M LADY LIBERTY.

[LAUGHTER]

YES, THEY MAY TAKE OUR SAFETY AND OUR SECURITY, BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR

RHYMESTONE-STUDDED BIG APPLE THONGS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND OUR PORN SHOP ANAL BEADS.

TASTE OUR FREEDOM.

TASTE IT!

TASTE IT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]

THE NETWORK HAS INFORMED ME,

LEGALLY I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE BEADS.

IT'S IN THE LIKE STARTING A LAWNMOWER.

BE VERY... OKAY.||||

Loading...