Thought for Food - School Potato Guidelines & Fast Food Stamps

  • Aired:  10/18/11
  •  | Views: 37,494

The USDA launches an attack on the American school lunch tradition of fried tater tots, and Yum! Brand applies for inclusion in the food stamp program. (5:46)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU, NATION.

I'M A MEMBER OF THE CLEAN PLATE

CLUB AND I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE

WE ARE NOW LETTING IN JEWS.

(LAUGHTER)

THIS IS THOUGHT FOR FOOD.

FOLKS, ONCE AGAIN THE FOOD

POLICE ARE ON THE ATTACK.

FIRST THEY CAME FOR OUR SUGARED

CEREAL AND I SAID NOTHING.

THEN THEY CAME FOR OUR TRANS

FATS AND I SAID NOTHING.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN THEY CAME FOR OUR SALT AND

AGAIN I SAID NOTHING BECAUSE MY

MOUTH WAS JAMMED WITH FRITO'S.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL NOW, NOW THEY'RE COMING FOR

OUR TOTS-- BOTH HUMAN AND TATER.

JIM?

>> POTATO MAY BE GETTING THE

BOOT FROM NATIONAL SCHOOL LUNCH

PROGRAMS.

NEW FEDERAL GUIDELINES LOOK TO

ELIMINATE POTATOES FROM

BREAKFAST AND LIMIT THEM PRETTY

SEVERELY AT LUNCHTIME.

>> Stephen: NO POTATOS?

WHY?

BECAUSE THEY'RE IRISH?

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT'S NEXT?

LIMITING THE AVAILABILITY OF

SHAMROCK SHAKES TO JUST ST.

PATRICK'S DAY?

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT?

YOU RACIST!

(LAUGHTER)

YOU SEE, THE FOOD FASHIONISTS AT

THE U.S.D.A. BELIEVE THAT

FOCUSING MORE ON FRUITS,

VEGETABLES, AND WHOLE GRAINS

WILL HELP SOLVE CHILDHOOD

OBESITY.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

CHILDHOOD OBESITY WILL TAKE CARE

OF ITSELF WHEN IT BECOMES ADULT

OBESITY.

(LAUGHTER)

BUT THIS ISN'T JUST AN ATTACK ON

OUR BELLIES, FOLKS, IT IS AN

ATTACK ON THE AMERICAN SCHOOL

LUNCH TRADITION OF A TRAY FULL

OF FRIED TATER TOTS.

YOU DON'T LET OUR CHILDREN SNACK

ON THAT DELICIOUS GOLDEN BROWN

STARCH BOMB YOU'RE TAKING AWAY

THE SMALL SHRED OF HAPPINESS IN

THE OTHERWISE NON-STOP HELL

PARADE THAT IS BEING A MIDDLE

SCHOOLBOY.

(LAUGHTER)

A BOY GOING THROUGH AN AWKWARD

STAGE WHERE HIS NOSE AND TEETH

GREW FULL SPEED WHILE THE REST

OF HIS HEAD STILL BELONGS TO A

NINE-YEAR-OLD.

AND EVERYDAY JEFFREY OZER WALKS

INTO HOME ROOM AND POURS TOILET

WATER INTO HIS BACKPACK THEN

SPENDS THE REST OF THE DAY CALL

HIM TOILET BOY AND EVEN SWEET

BEAUTIFUL COLLEEN ALLEN CAN'T

HELP BUT JOIN IN EVEN IF THIS

BOY KNOWS IN HIS HEART THEY'RE

MEANT TO BE TOGETHER AND ALL

THAT PAIN GOES AWAY FROM THE

SPUD-INDUCED TORPOR THAT IS A

STOMACH FULL OF FRIED POTATO!

IT IS MORE THAN FOOD!

IT IS MORE THAN FOOD!

IT IS KID XANAX.

A HUG HE GETS FROM THE INSIDE!

A GRAEG GREASE-SOAKED HAMMER HE

USED TO POUND HIS EMOTIONS DOWN,

DOWN, DOWN UNTIL THEY'RE BURIED

EVEN DEEPER THAN THE POTATO THAT

SOOTHED HIM!

THOSE FEELINGS LAY DORMANT UNTIL

10th GRADE UNTIL JEFFREY OZER

FLICKS ONE TOO MANY RUBBER BANDS

IN HIS EAR BUT THIS TIME THE BOY

IS FULLY GROWN AND HE SLAMS

JEFFREY'S HEAD OVER AND OVER

INTO A LOCKER UNTIL HE HAS TO BE

DRAGGED AWAY FROM THE GIRL'S

SWITCH COACH!

BECAUSE WHO'S THE TOILET BOY NOW

JEFFREY?

WHO'S THE TOILET BOY NOW?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S ALL RIGHT, YORE IDA.

NEXT UP, STUTD DEES SHOW THAT A

RECORD ONE IN SEVEN AMERICANS

RECEIVE FOOD STAMPS AND THEY ARE

SUFFERING, FOLKS, BECAUSE

GOVERNMENT REGULATIONS PROHIBIT

FOOD STAMPS FROM BEING USED AT

FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS.

WHERE ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO GO,

THE GROCERY SNORE THAT'S

UNSANITARY.

A LOT OF THAT FOOD WAS RECENTLY

ON THE GROUND!

BUT THANKFULLY, YUM FOODS IS

TAKING COURT ACTION.

THE RESTAURANT CONGLOMERATE

WHICH INCLUDES TACO BELL, K.F.C.

LONG JOHN SILVER'S AND PIZZA HUT

IS APPLYING FOR INCLUSION IN THE

FOOD STAMP PROGRAM.

BUT CONGRATULATIONS, POOR PEOPLE

YOU'RE ON THE YUM FOODS GRAVY

TRAIN.

WARNING: GRAVY TRAIN MAY CONTAIN

NO ACTUAL GRAVY.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, OF COURSE, THE NUTRI NAZIS

AT THE GASTROSTAPO ARGUE THAT

THESE DIETS CAUSE UNFORTUNATE

HEALTH OUTCOMES AND POOR

NUTRITION BUT FOLKS I SAY THIS

IS DISCRIMINATION.

THESE ARE FOOD STAMPS!

SO THE GOVERNMENT IS SAYING

THESE AREN'T FOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, I'M SORRY, FOLKS, BUT TACO

BELL IS A SPONSOR AND GODDAMNIT,

IF THEY SAY THEY SERVE FOODLY

TAKE THEM AT THEIR WORD!

I DON'T CARE IF THAT GETS ME

HATE MAIL.

I DON'T CARE IF THAT COSTS ME

ANOTHER EMMY.

YOU CAN CITE YOUR SCIENTIFIC

STUDIES AND QUOTE YOUR RELIGIOUS

LEADERS.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE F.D.A.

SAYS.

TACO BELL IS FOOD.

I HAVE BEEN TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP

AND THERE WAS A TACO BELL THERE

AND I ATE SOME BECAUSE IT IS

POSSIBLE TO DO SO!

IN FACT, I WILL NOW PROVE IT.

I WILL NOW PROVE IT BY INGESTING

THIS DELICIOUS TACO BELL NACHO

CHEESE GORDITA.

(LAUGHTER)

MMM!

FOOD!

IT HAD BETTER BE BECAUSE IT IS

IN ANY MOUTH.

(LAUGHTER)

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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