Moon-Shattering News

  • Aired:  11/29/12
  •  | Views: 31,678

America fell from greatness when milquetoast Dwight D. Eisenhower wimped out on the country's nuclear lunar program. (3:27)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE REPORT!

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US!

CHOO, CHOO, CHOO!

HELLO!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

YOU ARE THE GREATEST!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I GOT TO TELL YOU, WHEN I GET THAT KIND OF 4R06 FROM YOU FOLKS I JUST WANT TO GO

UP INTO THE STANDS AND CRADLE YOU IN MY ARMS LIKE A BABY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FOLKS YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW MY BROADCASTING CA ROAR HAS BEEN DEDICATED TO

CELEBRATING AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM.

THAT SPECIAL JE NE SAI QUOI THAT AMERICANS HAVE THAT KEEP US FROM KNOWING THINGS

LIKE WHAT JE NE SAIS QUOI MEANS, I DON'T KNOW.

BUT FOR SOME TIME NOW AMERICANS HAVE BEEN IN DECLINE.

AND I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR THE EXACT MOMENT WHEN WE WENT FROM BEING THE U.S. OF

A TO THE U.S. OF EH.

WELL, FOLKS, I THINK I FOUND IT, FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS.

AND INCIDENTALLY, IF ARE YOU WEARING SEAT BELTS TO WATCH TV, YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM.

>> IT SOUNDS PREPOSTEROUS BUT THE UNITED STATES HAS TO FACTOR INTO THE COLD WARE TO

POSSIBLY NUKE THE MOON.

>> THEY SAY THE PLAN CALL FORCE AN INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC MISSILE TO BE

LAUNCHED FROM AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, TRAVEL TO THE MOON AND DETONATE ON IMPACT WITH

THE HEIGHT OF THE COLD WARE, SECURITY SCARES ALL AROUND, AMERICAN LEADERS FELT THEY

NEEDED TO GIVE A JOLT TO THE SOVIET UNION.

>> Stephen: WE WERE GOING TO NUKE THE MOON AND WE DIDN'T!

(LAUGHTER) THIS IS EARTH-SHATTERING NEWS.

WHEN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MOON SHATTERING NEWS.

CLEARLY THIS, THIS MOMENT IS WHEN AMERICA STEPPED BACK FROM GREATNESS.

OH, LET'S SEE, WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO SEND THE RESCU RESCUE-- RUSS KEYES A MESSAGE.

A TENSE U.S. SECURITY COUNCIL MEETING, NO, YOU LIGHT UP THE GODDAMN MOON WAY NUCLEAR HALOSO BRIGHT

KRUSCHEV CAN READ PRAVDA AT MIDNIGHT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: OH, AND WHAT MILK TOAST NANCY PANTS PUSSIED OUT ON OUR NUCLEAR

LUNAR PROGRAM?

EISENHOWER.

SURE, IKE BEAT THE NAZIS BUT WHAT ABOUT THE MOON NAZIES?

OH, THEY DON'T EXIST?

THAT'S JUST WHAT MOON HITLER WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE.

INSTEAD, INSTEAD WE CHOSE LUNAR APPEASEMENT.

AND IT IS JUST EMBOLDENED THE MOON.

I SWEAR LAST WEEK THAT THING WAS HALF THE SIZE.

THIS NATION, I SAY THIS NATION MUST NUKE THE MOON BEFORE IT CAN ACQUIRE NUCLEAR WEAPONS OF ITS OWN.

AND DON'T THINK IT ISN'T TRYING BECAUSE WE KNOW IT IS TEAMED UP WITH FUNDAMENTALIST ISLAM