Colbert Platinum - Luxury Ice & Hot Dic-Tip

  • Aired:  09/17/13
  •  | Views: 25,798

Dean & DeLuca advertises 10 hand-carved ice cubes for $75, and Jennifer Lopez sings "Happy Birthday" to an Asian despot. (6:41)

WITH THAT IN MEEND, IT'S TIME TOREVISIT MY LUXURY SEGMENT FOR

HIGH-NET-WORTH VIEWERS.

THIS IS "COLBERT PLATINUM."

♪ ♪A QUICK REMINDER, FOLKS-- THIS

SEGMENT IS FOR PLATINUM MEMBERSONLY.

SO IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING THISON YOUR PROTOTYPE TONY START

RETINAL PROJECTOR, WHY DON'T YOUSCAMPER OFF AND PLANT SOME SEEDS

FOR FOOD?

( LAUGHTER )OKAY, ALL RIGHT, THEY'RE GONE.

NOW, PLATINUM NATION, WE SUPERRICH SET OURSELVES APART HAVE A

OUR EXQUISITE TASTE.

WHEN IT COMES TO CARS, ANTIQUES,AND ELECTIVE OFFICE, WE BUY ONLY

THE FINEST.

AND THAT'S ESPECIALLY TRUE WHENIT COMES TO LIQUOR.

IF YOU'RE NOT DRINKING AN 1886ABSINTHE FROM OSCAR WILDE'S

PERSONAL COLLECTION, YOU MAY ASWELL BE DRINKING THE SWEAT OUT

OF A HOBO'S ASS CRACK.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

BUT HOW EXCLUSIVE IS YOURSNIFTER OF LOUIS XIII IF YOU

ALLOW IT TO BE COOLED BY CUBESOF FROZEN TAP WATER-- A.K.A.,

POVERTY PUNCH.

( LAUGHTER )LUXLY, THE HIGH-END GROWERS AT

DEAN & DELUCA HAVE THE ANSWER.

IT'S CALLED GLACE LUXURY ICE ATTHE LUXURY PRICE OF $75 FOR JUST

10 CUBES, OPENER NOT CUBES--TECHNICALLY ORBS INDIVIDUALLY

CARVED FROM A 300-POUND BLOCK TOENSURE FLAWLESS QUALITY.

USING TECHNIQUES DERIVED FROMFAMED AUSTRIAN SCULPTOR EIS

KUB-TREI.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )GOOD WORK, GOOD WORK.

AND YOU CAN BE SURE THAT THISICE WON'T CONTAMINATE YOUR

PREMIUM HOOCH, BECAUSE GLACE HASA ZERO-TASTE PROFILE.

I BELIEVE IT.

WHEN YOU SPEND $75 FOR A BAG OFHANDCARVED ICE, THAT IS TOTALLY

TASTELESS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

AND IT IS THE HEIGHT OFCONSPICUOUS-- FOLKS.

IT IS THE HEIGHT OF CONSPICUOUSCONSUMPTION, BECAUSE AN HOUR

LATER YOU'RE LITERALLY PISSINGYOUR MONEY AWAY.

FOLKS, I BELIEVE THATINDIVIDUALLY CARVED ICE IS A

START.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT, THE FLAVOROF MY PREMIUM HIGH BALLS CAN

STILL BE RUINED BY THE EXHALEDCO2 OF NOT RICH PEOPLE.

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I'M PROUD TOBE OFFERING THIS $200 BAG OF

STEPHEN COLB-AIR.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

YOU SEE, IT'S A PREMIUM MIXTUREOF GASES, SPECIFICALLY CRAFTED

FOR BREATHABILITY, AND WITH AZERO-SMELL PROFILE HARVESTED

FROM HIGH IN OUTSIDE MYSPHIEWDIO.

I JUST ADD A LITTLE BIT TO MYDRINK HERE.

THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK THIS AIR NEEDS TOBREATHE A LITTLE BIT.

I THINK I'LL LEAVE THAT OPEN.

NEXT UP, FOLKS, OUR MISSIONHERALITY COLBERT PLATINUM IS TO

OFFER ADVICE FOR ALL MEMBERS OFTHE UBERRICH SET.

I'D LIKE TO SHARE A TIP WITH THEUNDERSERVED WEALTH COMMUNITY.

DICTATORS, IN A SUBSEGMENT ICALLED "STEPHEN COBARE'S HOT DIP

TICKS."

IF YOU'RE A SHADOWY, DEVELOPINGWORLD DESPOT WITH MONEY AND

AVAILABLES TO BURN YOU'LL WANTTO GET A HOLD OF THIS SEASON'S

MUST-HAVE ACCESSORY.

>> KANYE WEST POCKETED SOME $3MILLION PERFORMING FOR A

CONTROVERSIAL DICTATOR.

THE RAPPER FLEW ALL THE WAY TOKAZAKHSTAN TO PLAY AT THE

PRESIDENT'S GRANDSON'S WEDDING.

HE'S BEEN ACCUSED OF STEALINGTHE COUNTRY'S OIL FOR HIMSELF

AND VIOLATE, HUMAN RIGHTS,INCLUDING MURDER.

>> Stephen: NOW, I KNOW WHATYOU'RE THINKING, WHAT IS THIS

POWER HUNGRY MEGALOMANIAC DOINGHANGING OUT WITH THE PRESIDENT

OF KAZAKHSTAN.

IT'S SIMPLE, FOLKS-- MONEY TALKSAND CELEBRITIES HAVE EXCELLENT

HEARING.

PERSONALLY, I DO THIS KIND OFGIG ALL THE TIME.

ROBERT MUGABE SAID HE LOVED MYMARK TWAIN ONE-MAN SHOW.

THE CRITICS DID NOT LIKE IT.

THE POINT IS, KANYE AND I ARENOT THE ONLY A-LIFTERS AVAILABLE

TO TOAST YOUR PREPRESSIVEREGIME.

>> THE CONCERT ORGANIZED BYINA'S STATE-OWNED OIL COMPANY, ,

JENNIFER LOPEZ SANG HAPPYINGABOUT THE TO TURKMENISTAN'S

RULER, KURBANGULYBERDYMUKHAMEDOV.

IT IS A COUNTRY SO REPRESSIVE ITONCE BANNED CIRCUSES AND OPERAS

AND WHERE THE STATE DEPARTMENTSAYS ARBITRARY ARREST, TOORT

TORTURE, AND DISREGARD FOR CIVILLIBERTIES HAPPEN FREQUENTLY.

>> Stephen: OKAY, MAYBE, BUTTHE CHINESE STATE OIL COMPANY

WAS IN A TERRIBLE POSITION.

THEY HAD TO GET J. LO TO SINGLEHAPPY BIRTHDAY BECAUSE YOU CAN'T

FIT KURBANGULY BERDYMUKHAMEDOVON A CAKE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

NOW, NOW,--( APPLAUSE )

LOVELY COUPLE.

NOW, MY FRIEND KERBIE'S DONESOME QUESTIONABLE THINGS, YES,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN J. LO WASWRONG HERE.

>> J. LO'S REPS SAY, "HAD THEREBEEN KNOWLEDGE OF HUMAN RIGHTS

ISSUES OF ANY KIND, JENNIFERWOULD NOT HAVE ATTENDED."

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

HOW COULD SHE HAVE KNOWN ABOUTTURKMENISTAN'S APPALLING HUMAN

RIGHTS RECORDS?

GOOGLE?

THE POINT IS, IF YOU'RE AMEGALOMANIACAL DESPOT GET

YOURSELF AN AMERICAN CELEBRITYBECAUSE IF THE PRICE IS RIGHT,

THEY WILL PERFORM FOR ANYONE NOMATTER HOW MUCH THEY HAVE

CRUSHED THE LITTLE GUY.

I MEAN, ALEX BALDWIN DOES THOSECAPITAL ONE ADS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.