The Enemy Within - Apes Armed with iPads

  • Aired:  06/13/12
  •  | Views: 32,212

Orangutan Outreach teaches monkeys to use iPads, but Executive Director Richard Zimmerman insists that apes do not know cyber-attack code yet. (6:28)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

WELCOME BACK.

IF YOU PAID ATTENTION TO THE NEWS, YOU KNOW THERE ARE TERROR ALL AROUND US.

THE ENEMIES OF AMERICA ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO FIND NEW WAYS TO TAKE US DOWN.

FOR EXAMPLE, THEY KEEP REPLACING THE PANTS IN MY DRESSER WITH ONES THAT HAVE SMALLER WAISTS.

I'M ON TO YOU, AL QAEDA.

( LAUGHTER ) WELL, TONIGHT, I PROFILE ANOTHER HIDDEN DANGER, SO SIT BACK,

RELAX, AND THEN PANIC.

JIM.

>> THERE'S A NEW FRONT IN THE WAR ON TERROR, AND WHEN THE ENEMIES OF FREEDOM ATTACK, IT

WON'T SOUND LIKE THIS.

IT WILL SOUND LIKE THIS.

BECAUSE THE NEWEST THREAT IS TERROR ON THE INTERWEB.

WE WILL SUFFER A CATASTROPHIC CYBER ATTACK.

THE CLOCK IS TICKING.

>> IT'S VERY TYPICAL FOR THE UNITED STATES TO UNDERMATE THE ENEMY, AND IN THE CASE OF

CYBER WAR, I THINK THAT'S HAPPENING.

>> Stephen: RICHARD CLARKE SAY FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISER ON PSYCHER SECURITY.

HE WROTE THE BOOK ON CYBER WAR-- IT'S THAT ONE HE'S HOLDING RIGHT

THERE-- AND CLARK HAS A DIRE WARNING.

>> A SMALL GROUP OF TALENTED PEOPLE USING iPADS YOU KNOW COULD REALLY TAKE DOWN A WHOLE

NATION THIS IS RICHARD ZIMMERMAN, HEAD OF AN ORGANIZATION WHO IS PUTTING

WEAPONS INTO THE HANDS OF THOSE WHO HATE US FOR OUR FREEDOMS.

>> WE'RE GIVING iPADS TO THE ORANGUTANS.

>> Stephen: iPADS TO ORANGUTANS.

>> O-RANG-TANS.

>> OH, RANG TANG.

>> O-RANG-TAN.

>> POTATO, POTAUGHTO.

LET'S CALL THE WHOLE THING THE ENEMY WITHIN.

TERRORIST MASTERMIND RICHARD ZIMMERMAN, OR AS HE'S KNOWN BY HIS CODE NAME--

>> THEY CALLED ME MONKEY MAN.

THIS IS FLOYD, ONE OF THE INTERNS.

>> Stephen: RICHARD'S WIFE,

ROB ROBIN.

AND NOW THE OBSESSION HAS RATICALLIZED ZIMMERMAN.

HE'S LAUNCHED A MISGUIDED CRUSADE CALLED, "ORANGUTAN OUTRAGE," WHICH HE USES TO

FUNNEL MONEY.

>> WE HAVE RAISED MORE THAN $1 MILLION FOR ORANGUTANS.

>> AND CYBERWEAPONS TO ORANGUTAN SLEEPER CELLS.

>> SINCE WE HAVE iPADS THERE'S NO REASON ORANGUTANS SHOULDN'T HAVE ACCESS TO THEM.

>> Stephen: NO REASON?

>> AS SOON AS THERE'S A COMBINATION OF TERRORIST GROUPS OR OTHERS WHO HAVE THE TOOLSES,

WHO HAVE THE KNOW-HOW, HAVE THE CONNECTIST, AND THEY HAVE THE DESIRE TO HURT US, IT WILL HAPPEN.

>> Stephen: OH, AND IT'S HAPPENING.

THE THE "COLBERT REPORT" TRAVELED TO THEIR HABITAT DEEP IN THE MALAYSIAN PAVILION OF THE

TORONTO ZOO TO OBSERVE THESE NATURAL-BORN KILLERS IN ACTION AS THEY PLOT AND TRAIN FOR THE

COME, TAKE-- OH, MY GOD!

THEY ARE SO ADORABLE!

LOOK AT THAT!

HE'S IN A BOX!

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU WANT A BANANA?

JIMMY HIT ME WITH SOME SCARY MUSIC.

THAT'S BETTER.

THE FINAL STEP IS TEACHING THEM TO USE THIS TERROR TOOL.

>> MOST HACKERS HAVE HAD A MENTOR AND THEY'VE BEEN GROOMED BY SOMEBODY ELSE.

>> Stephen: MEET THE ORANGUTAN KEEPER, MAT BEER EDGE,

HE PLAYS A KEY ROLE IN THE ORANGUTAN SLEEPER CELLS.

AND AS ZIMMERMAN'S NUMBER TWO,

HE'S TEACHING THEM TO USE OUR MOST ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE REASON WHY WHY.

>> I THINK THE POINT IS TO STIMULATE THEM MENTALLY.

>> Stephen: OR IS IT TO TEACH THEM HOW TO WRITE ATTACK CODE?

>> YOU DON'T WRITE CODE YET.

>> Stephen: SO WE'RE SAVED.

>> EVEN IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE AN ATTACK MODE YOURSELF,

YOU CAN GET AN AP%.

>> AT LEAST THEOR NOT USING APPS.

>> THEY'RE USING APPS.

>> HOLY ( BLEEP ).

THEY'RE READY TO LAUNCH THEIR ATTACK AND IT WON'T BE THE FIRST TIME.

TIME.

>> GOT ME.

>> Stephen: SHE NARROWLY SURVIVED, ONLY TO SUFFER A SIMILAR ATTACK AT THE HANDS OF

RICHARD GERE.

>> HE'S GOT ME.

>> Stephen: DESPITE ALL WARNINGS, ZIMMERMAN CONTINUETO GIVE THE ORANGUTAN EVERYTHING

THEY NEED TO TAKE US DOWN.

>> I'M NOT WORRIED.

I HAVE FAITH THE ORANGUTANS WILL USE THE TECHNOLOGY.

>> THEY COULD IN THEORY GET INTO THE ELECTRIC GRID CONTROL SOMEWHERE AND SHUT THE LIGHTS OUT.

SOMEONE COULD MESS WITH THE STOCK MARKETS.

YOU COULD CAUSE TRAINS TO DERAIL, JAM UP ALL THE AIRLINES,

GET INTO THE CONTROLS OR THE GAS PIPELINE.

I THINK MOST OF THESE WOULD BE MAD HOUSES WITHIN HOURS.

>> IT'S A MAD HOUSE!

A MAD HOUSE!

> Stephen: ALL BECAUSE.> ZIMMERMAN GAVE iPADS TO ORANGUTANS.

>> WHAT?

>> ON.

>> RANG TANGS.

>> OH, RANG TANGS.

>> ORANGUTANS.

>> YOU MEAN LIKE APES.

>> Stephen: YUP.

>> ARE YOU ( BLEEP )ING ME.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE CHINESE.

>> Stephen: THE CHINESE ARE OUR TRAINING PARTNERS.

THE NEW THREAT TO AMERICA IS APES ARMED WITH iPADS, THANKS TO THIS MANIAC.

>> YOU MANIAC!

GODDAMN YOU.

REPUBLICAN THE ENEMY

Loading...