Who's Honoring Me Now? - Peabody Awards & Maxim's Hot 100

  • Aired:  05/29/12
  •  | Views: 26,723

The Peabody Awards are two-thirds of the way to fully recognizing Stephen's greatness, and Maxim names Stephen one of the hottest women in the world. (5:13)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING STEPHEN'S NAME]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I CAN'T LIE TO YOU IT'S A KEEP THIS HIGH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

NATION, IT WAS MEMORIAL DAY YESTERDAY.

I HOPE YOU HAD THE TRADITIONAL COOKOUT WITH GOOD FRIENDS, GOOD LAUGHS, COLD BEER AND SOBER

REFLECTIONS ON THE GRIM TALLY OF TWO CENTURIES OF WAR.

AND, OF COURSE, VODKA WATERMELON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'VE BEEN OFF FOR TWO WEEKS AND TONS OF NEWS HAS HAPPENED.

SO LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE NEWS THAT MATTERS MOST TO THE AVERAGE AMERICAN.

THIS IS WHO'S HONORING ME NOW.

♪ ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OVER THE BREAK, I ACCEPTED YET ANOTHER PEABODY AWARD FOR THE BROADCAST EXCELLENCE.

JIM?

THIS IS OUR SECOND PEABODY .

GROWING UP, I ALWAYS DREAMED OF WINNING THREE OF THESE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GOOD WORK, PEABODIES -- YOU'RE TWO-THIRDS OF THE WAY TO FULLY RECOGNIZING MY GREATNESS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER TO RECEIVE ANOTHER ONE, MOSTLY BECAUSE I BROKE THE FIRST ONE

TRYING TO SHOVE THE GIANT COIN INTO A VENDING MACHINE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BOUGHT ME A DIET PEPSI AND FOR CHANGE, I GOT TWO PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, THE PEABODY'S NICE, BUT IT PALES IN COMPARISON TO THE REAL HONOR I RECEIVED.

>> MAXIM'S 100 BEAUTIES HAVE BEEN NAMED.

FOR THE FIRST TIME THERE'S A MALE MEMBER OF THE HOT 100 CLUB.

>> Stephen: I AM ONE OF THE HOTTEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD!

BOOM!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I AM THE FIRST MAN TO MAKE MAXIM'S HOTTEST WOMEN IN THE WORLD.

FINALLY!

THESE CHILD-BEARING HIPS ARE PAYING OFF!

THIS IS HISTORIC.

I'M THE ROSA PARKS OF MEN THAT MAXIM READERS WANT TO SEE BACK UP THAT BUS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP NOW, I DIDN'T COME IN AT NUMBER 1, BUT I WAS AWARDED THE SEXIEST NUMBER.

>> STEPHEN COLBERT WAS NUMBER 69.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: 69!!!!

THAT IS HOT!

AS LONG AS THE 6 AND 9 GOT MARRIED FIRST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ACCORDING TO MAXIM, I'M HOTTER THAN CHRISTINA HENDRICKS,

NICKI MINAJ, SOPHIA VEGARA AND,

OH YEAH, THE OTHER 3.3 BILLION WOMEN IN THE WORLD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FELLAS LOOK AT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS IF YOU ARE AT HOME WATCHING.

SHE'S UGLIER THAN ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY?

BUT DON'T FEEL BAD LADIES.

BECAUSE I'M PROOF THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A BUSTY SUPER-MODEL TO BE HOT.

YOU CAN STILL BE SEXY WITH A B-CUP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW THERE ARE 68 WOMEN WHO ARE ALLEGEDLY HOTTER THAN I.

MOST NOTABLY, MY GUEST TONIGHT WHO COMES IN AT NUMBER 16,

OSCAR-WINNER CHARLIZE THERON.

FANTASTIC ACTRESS, BUT HOT?

C'MON!

LOOK AT HER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T SEE IT.

I JUST DON'T SEE IT.

AND THAT'S FROM A MOVIE WHERE YOU KNOW THERE WERE HOURS OF MAKE UP.

I MEAN, SHE LOOKS LIKE A MONSTER.

IMAGINE WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE WITHOUT IT.

WELL, SHE'LL BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE, AND YOU CAN

JUDGE FOR YOURSELF WHO'S HOTTER.

ANYWAY, MAXIM HAS PROVEN THAT NO AWARD IS BEYOND MY REACH.

Loading...