Stephen Colbert's Shame Spiral - Senior Citizen Gymnasts

  • Aired:  04/09/12
  •  | Views: 16,667

After a German senior citizen thrives at the 2012 Gymnastics World Cup, Stephen laments the cellulite on his thumb. (3:47)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SIT DOWN.

ARE YOU VERY KIND.

REST YOURSELVES.

NATION, IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW YOU KNOW I'M PRETTY HAPPY GUY FOR THE MOST PART.

BUT TO APPRECIATE WHAT WE HAVE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE WE ALL NEED TO HIT ROCK BOTTOM.

LUCKILY WHEN I NEED TO GET DEPRESSED, I CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON THE GERMANS.

(LAUGHTER) WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE VERY FIRST INSTALLMENT OF MY AWARD LOSING SEGMENT,

STEPHEN COLBERT'S SHAME SPIRAL.

DON'T LOOK AT ME, I'M HIDEOUS.

OH GOD.

WHAT HAVE I DONE.

OH, WHY!

>> Stephen: NATION, RECENTLY MY SELF-ESTEEM WAS SHATTERED BY ONE MS. JOANNA KWASS-- KWAAS, AN

86-YEAR-OLD GERMAN GYMNAST WHO JUST NAILED THIS ROUTINE AT THE 2012 GYMNASTICS WORLD CUP.

(APPLAUSE) SHE'S 86!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LOOK AT THAT!

THAT IS 84 YEARS OLDER THAN THE AVERAGE CHINESE GYMNAST.

AND WHEN SHE FINISHED, I BELIEVE SHE WALKED OFF WITH BELA KAROLYI IN HER ARMS.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

SHE IS OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE RETIRED FROM THE AARP.

MEANWHILE I BREAK A SWEAT LIFTING A FORK TO MY MOUTH.

THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS USE A SPOTTER.

SO I WILL SAY, I WILL SAY MY OMELET THIS MORNING WAS A PERSONAL BEST.

FRAU KWAAS DOESN'T EVEN HAVE CELLULITE.

I HAVE SOME ON MY THUMB.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SCREW IT.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M FAT.

I MEAN I TRY TO WORK OUT.

I RUN EVERY DAY FROM THE DESK TO THE INTERVIEW TABLE.

THAT'S GOT TO BE LIKE TWO MILES.

I MEAN WHY ELSE ARE MY NIPPLES BLEEDING WHEN I GET THERE I MEAN AND SURE, SURE,

SURE WE BEAT THE GERMANS IN WORLD WAR II BUT LOOK AT THAT CARTWHEEL.

DAS IST EINE SCHOENE FRAU,

THIS YOU BEER GRANNY IS OUR COMPETITION NOW.

AND MOM, I KNOW YOU'RE 91,

BUT ARE YOU GOING WAKE BOARDING!

I'M TALKING A 360 BUTTER SLIDE NOSE BONE.

ANYWAY, I'VE NEVER FELT SO LOW AND USELESS AND OLD AND SAD.

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR THIS WEEK EDITION OF STEPHEN COLBERT'S SHAME SPIRAL.

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME WHEN I CATCH A GLIMPSE OF MYSELF UNDER FLORESCENT LIGHTING.

NOW GO AWAY, I WANT TO EAT MY HURT.

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