The Polar Vortex & Fruit Tools

  • Aired:  01/08/14
  •  | Views: 47,213

Cable news knows that Americans can't comprehend that it's cold outside from abstract concepts like temperatures and seasons. (4:59)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,EVERYBODY, THANKS SO.

FOLKS, YOU KNOW IF YOU'VEBEEN WATCHING THE NEWS YOU

KNOW THAT AMERICA IS STILLON THE GRIPS OF THE POLAR

VORTEX.

JACK FROST ISN'T JUSTNIPPING AT OUR NOSE, HE'S

SNAPPING AT OUR GENITALSLIKE A KIT KAT.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD THATIT'S COLD OUT THERE.

TAKE THE TVs.

>> AND HOW COLD IS IT?

EVEN THE POLAR BEAR, THAT ISRIGHT, HAS TO SPEND THE

NIGHT INSIDE.

>> HOW COLD IS IT, CHECK ITOUT.

SO COLD IN MICHIGAN THEDETROIT RIVER HAS FROZEN.

>> HOW COLD IS IT?

IT'S SO COLD IN LOUISVILLE,KENTUCKY, THAT A PRISONER

WHO ESCAPED FROM A MINIMUMSECURITY LOCKUP ON SUNDAY

TURNED HIMSELF BACK IN ONMONDAY NIGHT WHEN IT WAS 20

BELOW ZERO.

>> JUST HOW COLD IS IT.

>> HOW COLD IS IT OUT THERE.

>> HOW COLD IS IT, JOHNSCOTT.

WE'LL TELL YOU, ACROSS THECOUNTRY COMING UP.

STAY WITH US.

>> Stephen: HOW COLD IS IT,IT IS SO COLD YOU FILL IN

THE BLANK.

>> Stephen: OKAY BE.

>> OKAY, GET CREATIVE BUT DONOT USE A WITCHES ANATOMY,

AS SOME PEOPLE ALREADY ARE.

>> Stephen: HEY, NO PROPS,YOU GET T KEEP IT CLEAN,

KEEP IT CLEAN, HERE WE GO.

@FOX NEWS T IS COLDER THAN AWARLOCK'S TAINT, OKAY.

AND SEND.

THERE YOU GO.

OKAY.

BUT CABLE NEWS KNOWS THATAMERICANS CAN'T COMPREHEND

THAT IT'S COLD OUTSIDE FROMABSTRACT CONCEPTS LIKE

TEMPERATURES.

THAT'S WHY THEY DON'T JUSTTELL, THEY SHOW.

USING THE LATESTMETEOROLOGICAL TECHNOLOGY

RIPPED STRAIGHT FROM YOUTUBE,THE DOPPLER CUP OF WATER

9,000.

>> IT'S SO COLD IF YOU TAKEBOILING WATER AND THROW IT

INTO THE SKY T TURNS INTOSNOW JUST LIKE THIS.

>> WHEN YOU GET THIS BOILINGHOT WATER AND THROW IT UP IN

THE AIR-- YOU CAN SEE A LOTOF IT JUST TURNS RIGHT INTO

SNOW.

>> THREE, TWO, ONE.

>> AND THERE YOU HAVE IT,.

>> THIS IS THE POST DRAMATICSCIENCE EXPERIMENT IN NEWS.

(APPLAUSE)SINCE THEY BROUGHT RICH

HUMAN BACK TO LIFE WITH ABOLT OF LIGHTNING.

(LAUGHTER)OKAY, OKAY, LET ME GET THIS

CONCEPT.

WATER TURNS INTO ICE BUT IJUST DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE OUTSIDE.

ANYBODY ELSE?

>> YOU KNOW I LOVE MY COLDWEATHER EXPERIMENTS.

I BROUGHT A PIECE OF WOODWITH A NAIL IN IT.

AND NOW MY HIT ENIS STUCK.

AND THEN-- I BROUGHT ABANANA, A FROZEN BANANA, I

WALKED OUTSIDE.

JUST TO SHOW, SEE-- YOU CANACTUALLY HAMMER A NAIL WITH

THE BANANA.

>> Stephen: OH, IT'S COLD,IT'S COLD OUTSIDE.

NOW I UNDERSTAND.

BY THE WAY, SHE'S HAMMERINGTHE BANANA, OKAY.

BY THE WAY, IF YOU ARE'SGOING TO HAMMER THE BANANA

MAKE SURE YOU'RE ALONEBECAUSE MY COLLEGE ROOMMATE

WALKED IN ON ME ONCE AND ITWAS VERY EMBARRASSING.

FOLKS, LIKE FRIDAYING AN EGGON THE SIDEWALK IN SUMMER,

HAMMERING WITH A BANANA ISBUT ONE OF THE MANY

FOOD-BASED TECHNIQUES THATREPORTERS HAVE AT THE READY

TO DEMONSTRATE WEATHERCONDITIONS TO THOSE OF US

WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN OUT OFDOORS.

(LAUGHTER)NOW NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW

THIS BUT BACK WHEN IANCHORED THE CHANNEL 7 NEWS

AT NOON AT WPPS PATERSONSPRINGS NORTH CAROLINA I WAS

ALSO THE SECOND ALTERNATEWEEKEND GO UNDERSTUDY AND I

STILL HAVE MY METEOR LOGICALDEMONSTRATION FRUIT KIT,

OKAY SO IF THERE ARE NICHOLDWEATHER REPORTERS OUT THERE

LOOKING TO LEARN FROM AMASTER, PAY ATTENTION.

HERE IS HOW IT WORKS.

IF YOU WANT TO SHOW THEAUDIENCE THAT IT IS BRISK,

BUT STILL ABOVE FREEZING,USE A NAVAL ORANGE TO

ASSEMBLE A SWING SET.

ALTERNATIVELY IF YOU NEED TOSHOW THAT IT'S IN THE 50s

WITH A CHANCE OF RAIN,CHANGE A CAR TIRE WITH A

BARTLETT PEAR, OKAY.

BUT IF IT'S OVER 60 DEGREESAND CLOUDY THERE IS NO WAY

TO SAY THAT EXCEPT BYBEATING A RACCOON TO DEATH

WITH A PINEAPPLE.

ALL RIGHT?

LIKE THAT.

DOW LIKE THAT?

A LITTLE ROUGH STUFF.

LITTLE ROUGH STUFF.

ANY TEMPERATURE HIGHER THANTHAT, FRUIT WON'T WORK.

YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO USEDELI MEATS, ALL RIGHT.

AND AUDIENCE CAN ONLYUNDERSTAND THAT IT'S 95

DEGREES IF YOU BUFF OUT ASCRATCHED QUARTER PANEL WITH

A HONEY BAKED HAM.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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