Bocephus's Eternal Question

  • Aired:  10/04/11
  •  | Views: 66,058

ESPN robs Americans of the proper football preparation procedures, so Stephen takes it upon himself to compose a Monday Night Football theme. (4:36)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE IF I SEEM A

LITTLE OFF TONIGHT.

IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF SOME

CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENTS COUNTRY

STAR HANK WILLIAMS, JR.,

BOCEPHUS TO HIS SUPERFANS MADE

YESTERDAY ON FOX AND FRIENDS.

>> YOU REMEMBER THE GOLF GAME?

>> BOEHNER...

>> THAT WAS ONE OF THE BIGGEST

POLITICAL MISTAKES EVER.

>> YOU MEAN WHEN JOHN BOEHNER

PLAYED GOLF WITH PRESIDENT

OBAMA?

>> OH, YEAH!

YEAH!

AND BIDEN AND KASICH, YEAH.

UH-HUH.

THAT WOULD BE LIKE HITLER

PLAYING GOLF WITH NETANYAHU.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Stephen: WOW.

EVEN THE FOX AND FRIENDS WERE

TAKEN ABACK.

THEY'RE NOT USED TO HEARING THAT

SORT OF THING FROM PEOPLE WHO

DON'T WORK FOR THE NETWORK.

(LAUGHTER)

AND, FOLKS, THAT WAS NOT THE END

OF IT.

>> THEY'RE THE ENEMY.

>> WHO'S THE ENEMY?

>> OBAMA!

AND BIDEN!

ARE YOU KIDDING?

THE THREE STOOGES.

>> WELL, THAT'S ONLY TWO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: I RAN THAT PAST MY

OWN RESEARCHERS AND DOOCY IS

CORRECT, OBAMA AND BIDEN ADD UP

TO TWO, NOT THREE.

SO LAY OFF PEOPLE WHO SAY FOX

NEWS DOESN'T DO ANY FACT

CHECKING.

BUT CHILL OUT, STEVE DOOCY, NOT

EVERYTHING BOCEPHUS SAYS IS

MEANT TO BE TAKEN LITERALLY.

HE IS AN ARTIST.

HE WORKS IN METAPHOR.

LIKE HIS SONG "BIG TOP WOMEN."

"THE BIG TOP WOMEN SURE DO

BOUNCE AROUND, I LOVE TO SEE

THEM WALKING UP AND DOWN."

BE BABOOM, BE BABOOM, MAKE YOU

GO DOWNTOWN.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

CLEARLY A METAPHOR.

BIG TOP WOMEN ISN'T LITERALLY

ABOUT THE CIRCUS.

(LAUGHTER)

TRAGICALLY ESPN CAVED TO THE "WE

SHOULDN'T COMPARE THE PRESIDENT

TO HITLERSCHTAPO" SO LAST

NIGHT'S "MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL"

DIDN'T BEGIN WITH HANK WILLIAMS,

JR., ASKING THE ETERNAL ETERNAL

QUESTION "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME

FOOTBALL?"

AND, NATION, NOT HEARING THAT

SONG LEFT ME DANGEROUSLY

UNPREPARED FOR SOME FOOTBALL!

(LAUGHTER)

I'M IN MY LIVING ROOM INNOCENTLY

WATCHING A CHEVY SILVERADO AD.

A BUNCH OF MEN IN SHINY TIGHTS

START HITTING EACH OTHER HURLING

AND KICKING A WEIRD LEVEL OBLATE

SPHERE ROHDE.

IT WAS HOURS BEFORE I REALIZED

IT WAS SOME FOOTBALL.

(LAUGHTER)

AND NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS NOT

READY FOR IT.

I'M SORRY, ESPN, YOU CAN

DISAGREE WITH A MAN'S POLITICS

BUT YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO ROB THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE OF THE PROPER

PROCEDURES OF FOOTBALL

PREPARATION.

BOCEPHUS ISN'T JUST ASKING IF

WE'RE READY RESTOREALLY, HE'S

ASKING US ALL TO EMBARK ON A

JOURNEY OF REFLECTION.

CHECK OUR SURROUNDINGS.

IS THERE ANY SUGGESTING

UNPREPAREDNESS FOR SOME

FOOTBALL?

PERHAPS AN EMPTY SNACK BOWL,

NEAR IS UNCHILLED, A TELEPHONE

SHAPED LIKE A BASEBALL.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT ABOUT OUTSTANDINGS ARE VICE

PRESIDENTs FROM MY ROWDY FRIEND?

MIGHT ALL OF THEM NOT COME OVER

TONIGHT?

LAST NIGHT WE WERE ROBBED OF

THAT AS A NATION AND WHY?

PERHAPS THE HITLER/NETANYAHU

GOLF GAME WOULDN'T BE SO BAD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ON THE WII IT IS CERTAINLY

ADORABLE.

IF YOU NOTICE, HITLER'S GOT A

BIT OF SLICE.

THAT'S WHY HE ALWAYS WENT INTO

BELGIUM.

BUT, FOLKS,... TRUE, TRUE STORY.

BUT FOLKS, SOMEONE HAS GOT TO

STEP UP AND MAKE SURE AMERICA IS

NEVER AGAIN CAUGHT UNAWARES BY

SOME FOOTBALL.

I TAKE IT UPON MYSELF TO COMPOSE

THE NEXT "MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL"

THEME.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(SINGING OFF KEY)

(LAUGHTER)

♪ FOOTBALL... FOOTBALL, FOOTBALL

FOOTBALL ♪

(TO THE TUNE OF "JAWS")

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Loading...