Hand-Disinfectant-Drunk Teens

  • Aired:  05/07/12
  •  | Views: 16,943

News coverage based on a single story in the L.A. Times reveals an epidemic of kids turning drunk, disorderly and disinfected. (3:36)

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> STEPHEN, STEPHEN,

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

STEPHEN, STEPHEN, STEPHEN!

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE REPORT.

GOO TO HAVE YOU WITH US LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I'M NOT JUST A NEWSMAN, I'M ALSO A PARENT.

SO I KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IT IS FOR MOMS AND DADS OUT THERE TO BE FRIGHTENED AT ALL TIMES.

(LAUGHTER) I SEE IT AS PIE DUTY TO INFORM YOU ABOUT DANGEROUS NEW TEENAGE TRENDS.

THAT'S WHY TWO YEARS AGO I WARNED YOU ABOUT THE WIDESPREAD PRACTICE OF VODKA EYEBALLING.

THEN A YEAR LATER I ALERTED TO YOU THE NATIONWIDE CRISIS OF VODKA TAMPONING.

WELL, NOW KIDS ALL ACROSS ONE PART OF LOS ANGELES HAVE DISCOVERED ANOTHER BIZARRE BUZZ.

>> NOW A WARN OG TO PARENTS.

THERE IS A DISTURBING NEW TREND AMONG TEENS.

THEY'RE USING HAND SANITIZE TORE GET DRUNK.

>> THIS IS SUPPOSED TO CLEAN UP OUR LIVES.

BUT IT'S BECOMING A DIRTY AND DANGEROUS LITTLE HEALTH HOLD SECRET.

AND IT IS SENDING TEENS TO THE HOSPITAL.

KIDS GETTING HAMMERED OFFHAND SANITIZER.

>> Stephen: OUR KIDS ARE GETTING SANI-TIPSY.

FOLKS THIS TV COVERAGE BASED ON ONE STORY IN THE L.A.

TIMES MEANS THERE IS AN EPIDEMIC OF KIDS TURNING DRUNK, DISORDERLY AND DISINFECTED.

PARENTS, IT IS A NATIONAL CRISIS, ACCORDING TO THE TIMES, SIX LOCAL TEENAGERS

HAVE GONE TO EMERGENCY ROOMS IN THE LAST FEW MONTHS.

BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR T YOU CAN HEAR IT STRAIGHT FROM THE TEENS SQUEAKY CLEAN MOUTHS.

>> CRAZY, YOU KNOW.

LIKE I'VE NEVER, EVER HEARD SOMEONE, YOU KNOW, THAT HASN'T DONE THAT.

>> Stephen: NOW-- HE SAYS IT'S NOT HAPPENING BUT DON'T FORGET TEENS ALWAYS SAY THE

OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY MEAN.

LIKE WHEN THEY SAY BAD TO MEAN GOOD, OR THEY SAY GET AWAY FROM ME OLD MAN, TO

MEAN HEY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT, THAT GUY IS COOL.

(LAUGHTER) SO I WANT TO SEND A VERY STRONG MESSAGE TO THESE L.A.

TEENS.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF MEDICAL MARIJUANA?

JUST GO TO THE DOCTOR-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: GO TO THE DOCTOR AND TELL THEM ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM ANXIETY

CAUSED BY ALL THE NEWS STORIES ABOUT KIDS DRINKING HAND SANITIZER.

OH THAT SOUNDS SERIOUS,

HERE'S 5 CCs OF PRIMO SPANK.

NOW PARENTS, YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR PART TOO.

TAKE THIS ADVICE FROM GOOD MORNING AMERICA.

>> PARENTS BE CAUTIOUS WHEN NOT USING THE GEL MAKE SURE YOU PLACE OUT OF REACH.

>> Stephen: YES, PLACE IT OUT OF REACH, SOMEWHERE UP HIGH WHERE A TEENAGER CAN'T

REACH IT.

JUST USE ONE OF THOSE ADULT-ONLY STEPLADDERS.

(LAUGHTER) NOW-- (LAUGHTER) ONCE YOUR-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: ONCE YOUR PUREL IS LOCKED SECURELY IN THE PUREL VAULT, WILL YOU NEED

SOMETHING OFF TO CLEAN OFF YOUR HANDS.

MY RECOMMENDATION, VODKA.

(APPLAUSE)

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