Tip/Wag - Air Force, Dr. Keith Ablow & Westminster Dog Show

  • Aired:  01/22/14
  •  | Views: 37,768

Nuclear officers cheat on a proficiency exam, Fox News's Dr. Keith Ablow blames gun violence on "data rage," and mutts invade the Westminster Dog Show. (6:42)

(LAUGHTER)NATION, THERE'S AN OLD SAYING:

OPINIONS ARE LIKE DEMO TAPES, IDON'T WANT TO HEAR YOURS.

(LAUGHTER)THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF

THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NATION, I KNOW IT'S 2014 BUT I

STILL WORRY ABOUT NUCLEAR WAR.

I'M BEGINNING TO BE AFRAID THATWE MIGHT NOT HAVE ONE.

(LAUGHTER)I'VE BEEN DRINKING MY OWN URINE

FOR NOTHING.

(LAUGHTER)I'LL TELL YOU WHO'S NOT

BOLSTERING MY CONFIDENCE THATARMAGEDDON IS COMING-- THE

CLOWNS WHO RUN OUR NUCLEARPROGRAM.

>> 34 OFFICERS IN CHARGE OF OURNUCLEAR ARSENAL SAID TO BE

INVOLVED IN A SCHEME TO CHEAT ONA PROFICIENCY EXAM.

THEY'VE BEEN REMOVED FROM THEIRCOMMAND AND IT'S RAISING NEW

QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PEOPLE WITHTHEIR FINGERS ON THE BUTTON.

>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU CHEATAT NUCLEAR WEAPONS?

DO YOU WRITE "PUSH RED BUTTON"ON THE BACK OF YOUR HAND?

FOLKS, I'M GIVING A WAG OF MYFINGER TO THE AIR FORCE FOR

REMOVING THESE OFFICERS FROMDUTY.

HERE ME OUT.

SURE, OUR NUKE OPERATORS WERESENDING EACH OTHER TEXT MESSAGES

TO CHEAT ON ROUTINE PROFICIENCYTESTS.

BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY CAN COPY OFFTHE CHINESE KID!

HE'S THE ONE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TOBE NUKING!

(LAUGHTER)BESIDES, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

CHEATING IS SUCH A MINOR OFFENSEWHEN YOU CONSIDER THEY WERE

ACTUALLY BEING INVESTIGATED FORDRUG ABUSE.

>> IT STARTED WITH A PROBE INTOILLEGAL DRUG POSSESSION.

>> AT LEAST TEN OFFICERS AT SIXDIFFERENT BASES IN THE U.S. AND

BRITAIN ARE SUSPECTED OFPOSSESSION OF SYNTHETIC

MARIJUANA AND ECSTASY.

>> Stephen: FOLKS, IT'SOBVIOUS THAT OUR NUCLEAR LAUNCH

CREWS ARE BORED.

(LAUGHTER)THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON HIGH

ALERT AT ALL TIMES FOR SOMETHINGTHEY KNOW WILL NEVER HAPPEN!

THEY'RE LIKE A HIGH SCHOOLFRENCH HORN PLAYER WITH A CONDOM

IN HIS POCKET.

(LAUGHTER)GIVE IT UP, TEDDY!

GIVE IT UP.

(APPLAUSE)ONLY THING YOU'RE GOING TO BE

FONDLING IS YOUR SPIT VALVE.

FOLKS, OUR NUKE CREWS CLEARLYNEED A SENSE OF PURPOSE.

CAN'T WE JUST LET THEM LAUNCHONE?

I SAY WE PICK A COUNTRY ATRANDOM AND LET HER RIP.

DO WE REALLY NEED MADAGASCAR ATTHIS POINT?

I MEAN, WE'VE GOT THE MOVIES!

(LAUGHTER)NEXT UP, NATION, WE'RE ALL

SHOCKED BY THE TRAGIC SHOOTINGAT A TAMPA MOVIE THEATER WHERE A

RETIRED POLICE OFFICER SHOT AMAN WHO WAS TEXTING ON A PHONE.

IT'S A SENSELESS TRAGEDY.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY?

THE ONLY WAY TO FIGHT SENSELESSIS WITH SENSELESS.

LUCKILY, FOX NEWS DR. KEITHABLOW'S MIDDLE NAME IS

"SENSELESS."

>> WE MAY HAVE TO LOOK ATSOMETHING I'LL CALL "DATA RAGE."

JUST LIKE ROAD RAGE.

WE KNOW THAT WHEN PEOPLEINTERACT WITH MACHINES THAT

SOMETIMES THEY FEEL EMBOLDENEDTO DO THINGS THAT THEY NEVER

WOULD.

THEY MAY BE IMPULSIVE TO BEGINWITH OR EXPLOSIVE.

ADD IN TECHNOLOGY OR A MACHINEAND THINGS CAN GO OVER THE TOP

AND BECOME VERY VIOLENT.

>> Stephen: EXACTLY.

THIS TAMPA MOVIE THEATER TRAGEDYWAS A TEXTBOOK CASE OF THE THING

KEITH ABLOW JUST YANKED OUT OFHIS ASS.

(LAUGHTER)DATA RAGE.

THIS MAY HAVE BEEN A NORMALARGUMENT BUT THERE WAS A

DISASTROUS AND DANGEROUS MACHINEINVOLVED.

NO, JIMMY, I SAID A DANGEROUSMACHINE.

THANK YOU.

(LAUGHTER)OKAY, SO I AM GIVING A TIP OF

THE HAT TO DR. KEITH ABLOW FORPOINTING OUT THAT TECHNOLOGY

LEADS TO VIOLENCE.

I KNOW EVERY TIME I SEE HIM ON ATELEVISION I WANT TO KILL

SOMEONE.

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)FINALLY, IT'S ALMOST TIME FOR

THE ANNUAL WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW.

I'M SO EXCITED I HAD TO CHANGETHE CARPET SEVERAL TIMES.

(LAUGHTER)UNFORTUNATELY, THE DOG SHOW HAS

BEEN A VERY BAD BOY.

>> A NEW BREED OF DOGS IS TAKINGOVER WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW--

MUTTS.

THE PREMIER U.S. CANINE EVENT ISALLOWING MIXED BREED

COMPETITORS.

THEY'LL BE INCLUDED IN ITS NEWAGILITY TRIAL.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME DOGS OFMIXED BREED HAVE BEEN AT

WESTMINSTER IN ITS 138-YEARHISTORY.

>> Stephen: MUTTS INVADINGWESTMINSTER?

FOLKS, THIS IS A SLIPPERY SLOPE!

TODAY IT'S MUTTS, TOMORROW IT'SA FINISH SPITZ WHOSE COAT GOES

BEYOND DEEP AUBURN TO BROWN!

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, A GUY CANMARRY A BOX TURTLE.

(LAUGHTER)OH, IT'S COMING!

(APPLAUSE)FOR INSTANCE, SHELLEY HERE.

(APPLAUSE)FOR INSTANCE, SHELLEY HERE.

(LAUGHTER)SO --

(APPLAUSE).

A WAG OF THE FINGER,WESTMINSTER!

I AM JUST GRATEFUL THAT SHASTA,MY CHILDHOOD WELSH SPRINGER

SPANIEL, ISN'T AROUND TO SEETHIS.

HIS GREAT GRANDPARENTS DIDN'TSIT IN A CRATE ACROSS THE OCEAN

SO THEIR DESCENDANTS WOULD HAVETO SHARE A COURSE WITH SOME

PORTUGUESE CHORKIE.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU GET A CHORKIE,RIGHT?

YOU CROSS A YORKIE WITH A CHIMP.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)I ONLY PRAY THAT WORD OF THIS

DOES NOT REACH SHASTA AT THATFARM UPSTATE MY PARENTS SENT HIM

TO.

(LAUGHTER)HE'S HAD 25 GREAT YEARS UP

THERE.

I'M GOING TO VISIT YOU SOON,BUDDY.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)NOW, THIS YEAR'S AGILITY

COMPETITION WILL BE FULL OFSTREET TRAMPS LIKE ALFIE, AN

ATHLETIC CHARMING SEVEN-YEAR-OLDPOODLE TERRIER WHO WAS BOUGHT

FOR $99 AT A PET STORE.

NO SURPRISE.

I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAYTHIS BUT THE MUTTS ARE VERY

ATHLETIC.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY?

PURE BREDS CAN'T JUMP.

BUT THAT HAS NOT CHANGED THEFACT THAT THE LAS KNEES WEIMER

DOODLES OF THE WORLD AREGENETICALLY INFERIOR.

THAT'S NOT MY OPINION, THAT'SSCIENCE.

I'M A TRAINED VETERINARYPHRENOLOGIST.

JUST LOOK AT THIS MISCREANT.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)RIGHT HERE.

YOU CAN FEEL RIGHT THERE, YOUCAN FEEL RIGHT THERE ON THE

SKULL THERE'S SOME NODULES.

HIS OVERSIZED ACQUISITIVENESSRIDGE IS CLEARLY

EVIDENCE OF A CRIMINAL MIND.

WHO'S AN INFERIOR CANINE?

YOU ARE!

YOU ARE!

(AUDIENCE REACTS)YOU WANT A LITTLE MARTIAN?

(LAUGHTER)(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

SO, FOLKS, ENJOY THIS YEAR'SWESTMINSTER FARCE WHICH, IF YOU

ASK ME, BECAME INEVITABLE ONCETHEY STARTED ACCEPTING BREEDS

LESS PURE THAN WOLF.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND