The Bucket Maiden Voyage

  • Aired:  04/18/13
  •  | Views: 25,799

A game-changing innovation allows Stephen to interact with the unwashed masses in Times Square. (8:46)

WHO, WHATEVER, AND WHY WAIT?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NATION, ONE OF THE PROBLEMS WITH

DOING A SHOW LIKE THIS WITH

ABSOLUTELY NO HELP FROM ANYONE

ELSE IS THAT IF I LEAVE, IT

CRUMBLES.

SO I CAN'T GO OUT AND COVER

STORIES FROM DANGEROUS PLACES

LIKE MY GUEST TONIGHT RICHARD

ENGEL.

BESIDES, WHAT IF I GET TO SYRIA

AND THEY DON'T HAVE MY BRAND OF

CONDITIONER?

( LAUGHTER )

NOW, I THOUGHT ABOUT SENDING OUT

A CORRESPONDENT, BUT WHO COULD I

TRUST TO REPRESENT ME?

AND THERE WAS ONE GUY FROM THE

"DAILY SHOW."

BUT HE'S GOT HIS OWN PROGRAM

NOW.

>> AND HEAR HE'S A BIT OF A

PRIMA DONNA.

( LAUGHTER )

AND I WOULD LOVE, LOVE TO BE OUT

AMONG YOU, THE COMMON FOLK.

THE UNWASHED MASSES, BUT I'M SO

FAMOUS NOW, I CAN'T EVEN GO FOR

A WALK HERE IN NEW YORK CITY.

BUT THEN, I REMEMBERED, A PIECE

OF TECHNOLOGY I INVENTED LAST

YEAR WHILE INTERVIEWING

DOCUMENTARIAN ERROL MORRIS.

WHEN YOU INTERVIEW PEOPLE YOU'RE

NOT IN THE ROOM WITH THEM.

YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A SCREEN THAT

YOU'RE LOOKING AT WITH YOUR FACE

ON IT WHILE YOU ASK THEM

QUESTIONS?

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: INSPIRED BY THAT

I CREATED SOMETHING CALLED THE

ASK-O-MATIC.

IT'S AN iPAD HOT GLUED TO A

BUCKET.

( LAUGHTER ).

( APPLAUSE )

WELL, FOLKS, SINCE I DEBUTED THE

ASK-O-MATIC, ALL RIGHT--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

-- SINCE I DEBUTED THIS CUTTING

EDGE TECHNOLOGY, THE GOOD FOLKS

AT COLBERT LABS HAVE COME UP

WITH A GAME-CHANGING

INNOVATION-- A SECOND BUCKET.

NOW, WHY IS IT BETTER?

FIRST OF ALL, IT'S DOUBLE THE

BUCKETS.

AND I CAN PUT AN iPHONE INSIDE

THIS BUCKET.

AND USING FACE TIME I CAN PUT MY

FACE ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE

SECOND BUCKET, THEREBY

TELEPORTING MY HEAD ON TO

SOMEBODY ELSE'S BODY.

AND ALLOWING ME TO BE EVERYWHERE

WITHOUT GOING ANYWHERE.

( LAUGHTER )

RECENTLY, I PUT THIS EXCITING

NEW TECHNOLOGY INTO ACTION.

I CALLED ON MY RELIABLE AND

EXPENDABLE INTERN JAY FOR THE

BUCKET MAIDEN VOYAGE.

( LAUGHTER )

IT FELT WONDERFUL TO GET OUT AND

BREATHE SOME FRESH AIR.

FINALLY, HERE WAS MY CHANCE TO

SEE NEW YORK, NEW YORK, THE CITY

SO NICE I'D ACTUALLY SEEN VERY

LITTLE OF IT.

TO CONNECT WITH MY FELLOW NEW

YORKERS, I DECIDED TO HEAD

STRAIGHT TO WHERE ALL REAL NEW NEW

YORKERS HANG OUT-- TIMES SQUARE.

HI.

WHAT'S UP!

HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT'S UP, MY SISTER!

PEOPLE WERE A BIT STAND-OFFISH

AT FIRST, NO DOUBT BECAUSE I'M

FAMOUS.

SO I DECIDED TO SPEND A LITTLE

TIME WITH MY FELLOW CELEBRITIES.

DO YOU HAVE THE EXPRESS WRITTEN

PERMISSION OF THE HENSON COMPANY

TO BE WEARING THIS OUTFIT RIGHT

NOW?

ALL YOU'RE SAYING IS LA-LA-LA.

"L" IS FOR LAWYER, ELMO, AND

YOU'RE GOING TO NEED ONE.

SEE YOU IN JAIL, GUYS.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT HERE.

YOU HAVE THAT ONE RIGHT THERE.

I'LL JUST GRAB THAT MAGAZINE.

HOW MUCH IS THIS MAGAZINE?

I'D LIKE TO HAVE IT.

>> $3.

>> Stephen: I'LL GIVE YOU $1.

THIS IS PART OF YOUR CULTURE,

RIGHT?

>> NOT PART OF A CULTURE.

>> JAY, GET OUT OF THERE, GO,

GO.

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

EVENTUALLY, I BLENDED IN WITH

EVERYONE ELSE, AND EVEN MADE A

FEW FRIENDS.

( LAUGHTER )

>> HI.

I'M DANIELLE.

>> DAVID.?RU

>> Stephen: YOU CAN GO NOW,

DAVID HI!

HUGS!

HUGS!

THIS IS TOTALLY FINE.

I'M NOT EVEN THERE.

THANK YOU, EXCELLENT.

WHAT DO YOU DO IN TIMES SQUARE?

DO-- SHOULD WE JUST HANG OUT

UNTIL THE BALL DROPS?

>> NO, I'M ACTUALLY-- I'M A

STREET MUSICIAN.

>> Stephen: OH, REALLY WHAT,

DO YOU PLAY?

>> WOODWIND.

>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE YOUR

OBOE WITH YOU?

>> NO I DON'T HAVE MY OBOY.

I HAVE MY SAXOPHONE AT HOME.

>> Stephen: SAXOPHONE IS NOT

A WOOD INSTRUMENT IT'S A BASS

INSTRUMENT

>> A WOODWIND.

>> Stephen: A WOODWIND IS

LIKE AN OBONE.

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT.

>> YOU CAN'T FIGHT BECAUSE

YOU'RE IN THERE.

>> Stephen: OH, I CAN FIGHT

YOU.

LOOK, I'M GOING TO PUSH YOU ON

YOUR SHOULDER.

LISTEN, YOU WANT TO FIGHT RIGHT

NOW, BERNARD.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHO THE GUY IS

IN THERE, BUT YOU KNOW, I'LL

WHIP HIS ASS.

>> Stephen: I SAY WE FIGHT

RIGHT NOW.

OR YOU'RE A COWARD.

YOU'RE A-- YOU'RE A BRASS

INSTRUMENT-PLAYING COWARD.

>> I'M GOING TO WHIP YOUR

FRIEND'S ASS, I'M TELL YOU RIGHT

NOW.

>> Stephen:

( CLUCK )

>> DON'T GET THAT GUY IN

TROUBLE?

>> WHY BECAUSE HE'LL PUSH OUT

SHOULDER AGAIN?

DO DID IT.

DO IT.

>> I'M GOING TO DUST THIS GUY

OFF, MAN.

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU, MAN.

>> Stephen: WHAT BRINGS YOU

TO THE BIG APPLE?

>> IT'S MY FIRST TIME HERE.

WE WENT TO SEE "WICKED" LAST

NIGHT.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO

SCORE ANY WEED?

>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT?

>>

>> Stephen: JUST MAKE SURE

YOU DO IT LEGALLY BY ASKING A

COP WHERE TO SMOKE POT.

( LAUGHTER ).

I DOPED UP QUITE AN APPETITE.

MMM-MMM-MMM.

YES, MY GOOD MAN, HELLO, WHERE

ARE YOU FROM?

>> I'M FROM EGYPT.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE FROM

EGYPT.

>> DO YOU WANT SOME KETCHUP?

>>

>> Stephen: NO, KETCHUP IS

FOR PUZZIES.

GOT IT, GOT IT, RIGHT.

HI, I'M STEVE C.

I LOVE ICE CREAM.

AND I LOVE GIANT HEADS AND TINY

BODIES.

( LAUGHTER )

THERE WAS JUST ONE MORE ITEM

LEFT ON MY TIMES SQUARE BUCKET

LIST.

PERHAPS ONE OF THESE YOUNG

LADIES COULD MAKE MY DREAMS COME

TRUE.

♪ ♪ ♪

( LAUGHTER )

I HAD NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE.

MY DAY IN THE CITY WAS MORE THAN

I HAD EVER HOPED FOR.

♪ START SPREADING THE NEWS

I'M LEAVING TODAY

♪ I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

♪ THESE BA-DA-BUM

SOMETHING OR OTHER GOOD DAY

♪ RIGHT TO THE VERY HEART OF IT

NEW YORK, NEW YORK.

GLOAT BA-BA, WITH A BUCKET ON MY

HEAD.

♪ DA-DA JUST MY FACE

♪ DA-DA RED.

♪ I'M BACK AT MY PLACE.

I'M SITTING ON A COUCH IN MY

OFFICE

♪ WHERE I FEEL SAFE.

I CAN MAKE IT ANYWHERE

♪ IF I JUST STAY RIGHT BACK HERE

♪ WHERE I'M ACTUALLY SITTIN WITH

A BUCKET ON MY HEAD

♪ DA-DA-DA.

.

>> DA-DA-DA.

WELL, THAT ABOUT DOES IT.

IF IT'S ONE THING I LEARNED FROM

MY JOURNEY TODAY IT'S DEEP DOWN

WE'RE ALL REALLY JUST A-- DANG

IT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HELLO?

HELLO?

HELLO?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

JAY?