Gay Marriage Fraud

  • Aired:  04/02/13
  •  | Views: 62,658

The Supreme Court will decide on gay marriage during wedding season, and Georgia's Sue Everhart believes straight men will commit gay marriage fraud. (4:20)

COMEDY CENTRAL

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[EAGLE CAW]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN!"]

>> Stephen: IT'S WHERE I'M PUTTING IT TONIGHT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE REPORT BEGUN EVERYBODY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

IN HERE, OUT THERE, NATION --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU FOR THAT GREETING.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE, IF YOU KNOW -- IF YOU WANT THIS SHOW -- WATCH THIS SHOW ON A

DAILY BASIS, YOU KNOW I COULDN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU.

YOU ARE THE ROCK ON WHICH I STAND.

[CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN!"]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, PLEASE.

THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT.

I WOULD BE NOTHING WITHOUT YOU EXCEPT RICH AND FAMOUS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, YOU KNOW ON THIS SHOW EVERY "NIGHTLY BUSINESS REPORT" AFTER NIGHT FOR SEVEN AND A HALF

YEARS NOW I TRY TO DEFEND THE MORAL FOR TRES THAT IS AMERICA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BUT THESE ARE DARK TIMES FOR OPPONENTS OF SAME-SEX MARRIAGE.

NOT ONLY IS IT AN ABOMINATION AGAINST GOD'S LAW, BUT I NEVER GET INVITED.

[LAUGHTER]

IT LOOKED LIKE SO MUCH FUN.

THEY HAD A BEACH WEDDING AND A SHRIMP FOUNTAIN.

I LOOK GREAT IN BEIGE LINEN.

[LAUGHTER]

LAST WEEK THE SUPREME COURT HEARD ARGUMENTS IN TWO DIFFERENT GAY MARRIAGE CASES, WHICH THEY

WON'T RULE ON UNTIL JUNE.

WEDDING SEASON!

[LAUGHTER]

AND YOU KNOW THE SUPREMES LOVE WEDDINGS.

THEY'RE ALREADY IN MATCHING BRIDESMAID'S DRESSES.

IF THEY RULE IN FAVOR OF GAY MARRIAGE, THEY WILL BE IGNORING SOUND LEGAL ARGUMENTS AGAINST IT.

LIKE "EWW."

[LAUGHTER]

AND ALSO THIS ONE: GEORGIA GOP CHAIRWOMAN SUE EVERHART, WHO RECENTLY TOLD THE MARIETTA DAILY

JOURNAL THAT, QUOTE, "LORD, I'M GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE OVER THIS, BUT IT IS NOT NATURAL FOR

TWO WOMEN OR TWO MEN TO BE MARRIED.

IF IT WAS NATURAL, THEY WOULD HAVE THE EQUIPMENT TO HAVE A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP."

[LAUGHTER]

[AUDIENCE BOOS] NO, IT'S TRUE.

IT'S TRUE: TWO MEN AND TWO WOMEN DON'T HAVE THE EQUIPMENT TO HAVE SEX.

I'VE SEEN VIDEOS ON THE INTERNET WHERE THEY TRY FOR HOURS AND HOURS, BUT THEY JUST END UP

ALL SWEATY AND EXHAUSTED.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S SAD.

SAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO IF THEY CAN'T HAVE A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP, WHAT'S IT REALLY ALL ABOUT?

EVERHART KNOWS IT'S NOT ABOUT MARRIAGE.

IT'S NOT ABOUT GAY RIGHTS.

IT'S NOT EVEN ABOUT GAY PEOPLE.

THIS IS ABOUT HETEROSEXUAL FRAUD.

SHE SAYS, "YOU MAY BE AS STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW, AND YOU MAY HAVE A FRIEND THAT IS AS

STRAIGHT AS AN ARROW.

SAY YOU HAD A GREAT JOB WITH THE GOVERNMENT WHERE YOU HAD THIS WONDERFUL HEALTH PLAN.

I MEAN, WHAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM SAYING THAT YOU'RE GAY, AND Y'ALL GET MARRIED AND STILL LIVE

AS SEPARATE, BUT YOU GET ALL THE BENEFITS?

THERE IS NO WAY THAT THIS IS ABOUT EQUALITY.

TO ME, IT'S ALL ABOUT A FREE RIDE."

[LAUGHTER]

YES.

A FREE RIDE.

THIS ENTIRE BATTLE ABOUT MARRIAGE EQUALITY HAS REALLY BEEN ABOUT STRAIGHT MEN, TRYING

TO GET FREE HEALTHCARE.

[LAUGHTER]

BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW ABOUT STRAIGHT GUYS, IT'S THAT THEY WILL JUMP AT THE

CHANCE FOR THEIR PEERS TO THINK THEY MIGHT BE GAY.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NO, THEY LOVE IT.

THEY LOVE IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OF COURSE, TWO STRAIGHT GUYS GETTING MARRIED FOR BENEFITS ISN'T A NEW SCHEME, IT WAS BLOWN

WIDE OPEN IN THE EXPLOSIVE DOCUMENTARY "I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY."

[LAUGHTER]

I CERTAINLY HOPE MRS. EVERHART CONTINUES HER IN-DEPTH RESEARCH TO EXPOSE OTHER SCHEMES, LIKE

ADULTS SNEAKING BACK INTO THIRD GRADE TO GET FREE LUNCH.

[LAUGHTER]

OR THE EPIDEMIC OF ISRAELI AGENTS INFILTRATING OUR VULNERABLE SALON INDUSTRY.

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