Yom Kippur & Aporkalypse

  • Aired:  09/26/12
  •  | Views: 20,858

Yom Kippur comes to a close, and bacon lovers will die much later than they thought thanks to reduced salt and nitrates in their diets. (2:34)

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE "REPORT." IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US!

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN") (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: FOLKS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US.

FOLKS, IT IS ALMOST MIDNIGHT ON I DON'T MEAN YOM KIPPUR, THE JEWISH DAY OF ATONEMENT, FILLED WITH SOMER REFLECTION AND

PROFOUND REGRET-- THAT I HAD TO GIVE MY WRITERS THE DAY OFF.

(LAUGHTER) COME BACK, FELLAS, GOD FORGIVES YOU.

(LAUGHTER) (WHISPERING) BUT I NEVER WILL.

I'D ALSO LIKE TO TOAST MY JEWISH VIEWERS WHO ARE BREAKING FAST TONIGHT.

TO LIFE!

OR, AS YOUR PEOPLE SAY, ALOHA!

(LAUGHTER) TO THE REST OF MY VIEWERS OUT THERE, I'M AFRAID I HAVE SOME TRAGIC NEWS.

JIM?

>> THE FINANCIAL TIMES REPORTS DROUGHT CONDITIONS HERE IN THE U.S. SAY THAT IT'S DESTROYED CROPS USED TO FEED PIGS.

THE PIG ASSOCIATION SAYS IT BECAME TOO EXPENSIVE FOR FARMERS TO BUY PIG FEED SO THEY REDUCED THEIR HERDS.

THE NATIONAL PIG ASSOCIATION IS REPORTING OF AN "UNAVOIDABLE GLOBAL BACON SHORTAGE."

>> Stephen: A GLOBAL BACON SHORTAGE!

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

MUCH LATER THAN WE THOUGHT THANKS TO THE REDUCED SALT AND NITRATES IN OUR DIET.

(APPLAUSE) STILL, WE WILL ALL EVENTUALLY DIE-- AND WITHOUT BACON IN MY MOUTH.

(LAUGHTER) THIS IS UNTHINKABLE!

WITHOUT BACON WHAT WILL K.F.C.

PUT BETWEEN THE TWO SLICES OF CHICKEN IN THE DOUBLE DOWN?

ROAST BEEF?

THAT'S UNNATURAL!

YOU GO TO HELL.

(LAUGHTER) WELL, I FOR ONE AM GOING TO BE READY FOR THE COMING A-PORK-ALYPSE.

(LAUGHTER) I AM PRESENTLY BUILDING AN UNDERGROUND SHELTER AND STOCKING IT WITH ALL THE SALTED HOG MEAT

I CAN FIND.

BACON, PANCETTA, PROSCUITTO, HAMHOCKS, CANNED HAM, JOHN HAMM.

(LAUGHTER)