ThreatDown - Flu, Kate Middleton, Vomiting Robots, Superintelligent Gonorrhea, Bears

  • Aired:  01/21/13
  •  | Views: 802

America quarantines children, Kate Middleton popularizes puking, British researchers create a projectile vomiting robot, and gonorrhea outsmarts drugs. (5:54)

WELCOME BACK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FOLKS, IT'S COLD AND FLU SEASON, AND LET ME TELL YOU PURELL JUST DOESN'T WORK.

I'VE BEEN CHUGGING THAT STUFF FOR WEEKS AND I STILL FEEL NAUSEOUS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS THE THREATDOWN:

[SIRENS]

CONTAGION EDITION.

THREAT NUMBER 5: THE FLU!

FOLKS, I'VE HAD A BEEF WITH INFLUENZA EVER SINCE THE EARLY 20th CENTURY WHEN 50 MILLION

PEOPLE WERE KILLED BY SPANISH FLU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU'RE TELLING ME AN AMERICAN PATHOGEN WOULDN'T DO THAT JOB?

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THIS YEAR, WE COULD ALL BE AT RISK.

>> FLU EMERGENCY: THE WORST FLU SEASON IN DECADES AND IT'S GETTING EVEN WORSE.

>> WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FULL-BLOWN FLU EPIDEMIC.

>> THE NUMBER OF FLU CASES IS EXPLODING.

>> ALL BUT THREE STATES NOW IN THE GRIP OF THE FLU EPIDEMIC.

>> THE FLU EPIDEMIC HAS PEOPLE ACROSS THE COUNTRY SCRAMBLING FOR VACCINATIONS.

>> SOME HOSPITALS ARE SEEING SUCH A HIGH NUMBER OF FLU PATIENTS, THAT THEY CAN BARELY

HANDLE TREATING EVERYONE.

>> Stephen: CLEARLY HOSPITALS ARE SHORT STAFFED.

NO ONE'S HAD TIME TO TREAT THAT TERRIBLE RASH AROUND CHUCK TODD'S MOUTH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND FOLKS, JUST LOOK AT THIS GLOBAL FLU ACTIVITY MAP ON GOOGLE TRENDS.

THE U.S. IS SO INFECTED, WE'RE FILLING UP SOUTH AMERICA WITH OUR PHLEGM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I AM CHILLED BY WARNINGS FROM THE NATIONAL FOUNDATION FOR INFECTIOUS DISEASES, WHO WARNED

THAT CHILDREN EXHALE MORE FLU GERMS THAN ADULTS WHEN THEY GET SICK, AND THEY EXHALE IT LONGER,

MAKING THEM THE "GREAT DISTRIBUTORS OF INFLUENZA VIRUS." NATION, WE MUST QUARANTINE OUR

CHILDREN IMMEDIATELY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE GOVERNMENT MUST PUT UP BUILDINGS TO SEQUESTER THEM.

WE'LL GROUP THEM BY AGE, AND KEEP THEM THERE DURING HIGH ACTIVITY HOURS, SAY FROM 8:00 TO 3:00.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUS THEM IF WE HAVE TO!

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT LOCKING UP YOUR KIDS TO AVOID THE FLU DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE SAFE.

>> A NEW STRAIN OF A VIRUS IS QUICKLY SPREADING ACROSS SEVERAL COUNTRIES INCLUDING THE UNITED

STATES WHERE FOLKS ARE CALLING IT: THE WINTER VOMITING BUG.

>> Stephen: YES, THE WINTER VOMITING BUG!

FAR WORSE THAN THE SPRING VOMITING BUG, WHICH AT LEAST GETS YOU IN SHAPE FOR BIKINI SEASON.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S AFFECTING SCORES OF AMERICANS COME FROM?

JOLLY OLD ENGLAND!

HMM, WHO DO WE KNOW FROM ENGLAND WHO WAS RECENTLY VOMITING?

>> HER ROYAL HIGHNESS IS EXPECTED TO STAY IN HOSPITAL FOR SEVERAL DAYS.

NOW WE LEARN, THE DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE IS HOSPITALIZED FOR SEVERE VOMITING.

>> Stephen: THREAT NUMBER 4: KATE MIDDLETON!

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE'S PRINCESS ZERO!

TYPHOID QUEEN MARY!

HER ROYAL HURL-NESS!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANKS TO KATE, THIS WINTER VOMITING BUG COULD BECOME A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.

BECAUSE KATE IS THE ULTIMATE TRENDSETTER BECAUSE IF SHE CAN MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO WEAR A PLATE

ON THEIR HEAD, SHE CAN MAKE YOU WANT TO WEAR YOUR LUNCH.

ON YOUR SLEEVE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND DON'T THINK SCIENCE IS GONNA COME TO THE RESCUE.

>> BRITISH RESEARCHERS HAVE CREATED A PROJECTILE VOMITTING ROBOT THAT MIMICS THE SYMPTOMS

OF NOROVIRUS.

RESEREACHERS CREATED THE PROJECTILE ROBOT TO TEST HOW FAR THE DANGEROUS CONTAGION SPREADS

EVERYTIME SOMEONE THROWS UP.

>> Stephen: BECAUSE IF YOU WANT TO STUDY VOMIT SPRAY PATTERNS, YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS: BUILD A

ROBOT THAT PUKES, OR RIDE THE SUBWAY AFTER 2:00 AM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHICH BRINGS ME THREAT NUMBER 3: VOMITING ROBOTS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

REALLY, SCIENCE?

YOU KNOW WE HAVEN'T CURED CANCER YET, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT SOME OF THIS ENERGY INTO THAT.

BECAUSE ONCE OUR ROBOTS ARE WOMITING, WHO'S GOING TO CLEAN UP AFTER MY ROOMBA?

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY OTHER ROOMBA?

IT'LL START PUKING WHEN IT SEES THE FIRST ONE BLOW CHUNKS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ON THE PLUS SIDE, WE FINALLY HAVE A ROBOT THE JAPANESE WON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THEY SHOULD, BECAUSE...

>> NEW STRAINS OF DRUG RESTISTANT GONORRHEA HAVE SPREAD TO COUNTRIES AROUND THE WORLD.

>> GONORRHEA IS BEGINNING TO OUTSMART OUR DRUGS.

>> Stephen: THREAT NUMBER 2: SUPERINTELLIGENT GONORRHEA!

[ LAUGHTER ]

A STUDY HAS SHOWN THAT GONORRHEA HAS BECOME RESISTANT TO THE ORAL ANTIBIOTIC CEFIXIME.

SO IF YOU'VE GOT VD, CEFIX-I-ME WILL NO LONGER CE-FIX-A- YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR ANYONE ELSE!

MEANING EVERYONE IS IN DANGER.

EVERYONE EXCEPT FOR THE NUMBER ONE THREAT TO AMERICA: BEARS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JIM?

>> SCIENTISTS SAY PANDA BLOOD COULD HELP STAVE OFF ILLNESS.

THEYV'E DISCOVERED A POWERFUL ANTIBIOTIC THAT EXISITS IN THE BLOODFLOW OF GIANT PANDAS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

PANDAS HAVE SUPER ANTIBIOTICS IN THEIR BLOOD, AND ALL THIS TIME THEY WERE PRETENDING THEY NEEDED

OUR PROTECTION-- "OOH, SHELTER US!

WE'LL DIE IF SOMEONE LOOKS AT US TOO HARD!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND ARE THEY OFFERING TO SHARE THEIR SUPER-RESISTANT BLOOD?

NO!

THEY'RE JUST WAITING FOR US TO BE WIPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH BY SUPER CLAP THAT WON'T

HARM THEM!

IT'LL BE PLANET OF THE APES, ONLY THE APES ARE PANDAS, AND THIS TIME THE PLANET IS EARTH!

[ LAUGHTER ]