If at First You Don't Secede

  • Aired:  05/12/11
  •  | Views: 36,553

Should any incandescent bulbs escape South Carolina into neighboring states, they must be returned immediately, as specified in the Fugitive Bulb Act. (3:10)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, AND I'M SURE YOU KNOW

2011 MARKS THE SES QUESTION

CENTENNIAL, IT MEAN --00 IN

SASQUATCH YEARS ON TUESDAY

MY HOME STATE OF SOUTH CAR

CHINA CELEBRATED CON FEDERAL

MEMORIAL DAY.

THE OFFICIAL START OF

CONFEDERATE SUMMER WHICH

ENDS ON CON FED RATE LABOR

DAY.

CON FED RATE LABOR, OF

COURSE, WAS DONE BY THESE

PEOPLE.

REMEMBER, AFTER CONFEDERATE

LABOR DAY YOU DON'T WANT TO

BE CAUGHT WEARING WHITE.

YOU JUST WANT TO BE WHITE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: YOU SEE, THE

CIVIL WAR, I BELIEVE, IS

MUCH MISUNDERSTOOD IT WAS

NOT ABOUT SLACHERY T WAS

ABOUT STATES' RIGHTS.

JUST LIKE WORLD WAR II WAS

ABOUT FACIAL HAIR.

AND STATES' RIGHTS ARE JUST

AS RELEVANT TODAY.

THAT'S WHY DON'T I AM PROUD

TO INTRODUCE THE FIRST IN MY

FOUR-YEAR SERIES IF AT FIRST

YOU DON'T SUCCEED.

TONIGHT, TONIGHT THE DIMMEST

THREAT TO LIBERTY YET.

LIGHT BULBS.

FOLKS, I'VE WARNED YOU THE

FEDERAL ENERGY REGULATIONS

ARE ABOUT TO ABOLISH

TRADITIONAL INCANDESCENT

BULBS.

THEY WANT US TO USE THESE

UNNATURAL COMPACT FLORESCENT

BULBS.

IT LOOKS LIKE A SOFT SERVE

ICE CREAM CONE BUT TRUST ME,

IT'S NOT.

I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SOUTH

CAROLINA IS FIGHTING BACK.

>> IN SOUTH CAROLINA, A

PROPOSED HOUSE BILL CALLED

THE INCANDESCENT LIGHT BULB

FREEDOM ACT WOULD ALLOW A

BULB MANUFACTURER IN THE

STATE TO CONTINUE MAKING

INCANDESCENT BULBS AS LONG

AS THEY ARE SOLD IN SOUTH

CAROLINA.

>> Stephen: WE SOUTH

CARLINIANS ARE COMMITTED TO

KEEPING OUR LIGHT BULBS AS

LOCAL AS OUR GENE POOL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: WE DON'T EXPECT

OUTSIDERS TO UNDERSTAND.

THIS IS A HERITAGE ISSUE.

IT'S A MATTER OF STATES'

RIGHTS.

BECAUSE IS IT A ROV

ENSCIENTIFIC FACT THAT

COMPACT FLORESCENT BULL YOU

BES ARE INFERIOR TO

INCANDESCENT.

THEY ARE NOTICEABLY DARKER.

I WOULD SAY ABOUT 3/5 AS

BRIGHT.

NOW STRICT ADHERENCE WITH

THE CONSTITUTION'S

INTERSTATE COMMERCE CLAUSE

THESE INCANDESCENTS MUST

STAY IN SOUTH CAROLINA, BY

LAW.

THEY WILL BE CLEARLY BRANDED

MADE IN SOUTH CAROLINA AND

SHOULD ANY OF THEM ESCAPE

INTO NEIGHBORING STATES,

THEY MUST BE RETURNED

IMMEDIATELY AS SPECIFIED IN

THE FUGITIVE BULB ACT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: AND YOU

NORTHERNERS, YOU NORTHERNERS

UP THERE WANT WARM NATURAL

FRL LIGHT GO SHOP AT YANKEE

CANDLE, YOU VANILLA SCENTED

DEVILS.

AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, IF THE

FEDERAL GOVERNMENT REFUSES

TO ACKNOWLEDGE OUR RIGHTS TO

THIS PECULIAR INSTITUTION,

WE WILL JUST SELL THESE

LIGHT BULBS UNDER THE TABLE.

AFTER ALL, SOUTH CAROLINA

HAS PROVEN IT KNOWS HOW TO

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