The Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude - Department Store Cutbacks & Gun-Filled Christmas

  • Aired:  12/15/11
  •  | Views: 27,580

Department stores stop offering free gift wrapping, Santa lowers kids' expectations, and Arizona families fight the war on Christmas, fully armed. (5:46)

RAMS AND A MOUNTAIN, THE

FIGHTING OVER ME.

I'M SORRY T HAPPENS.

NATION, COUNTRIES MA IS ONLY

TWO WEEKS AWAY AND THE

FORCES OF HUMBUG REE ARE HUM

BURGERING US.

LIKE IN RHODE ISLAND WHERE

GOVERNOR LINCOLN CHAFEE IS

CHAFEEING MY ASS BY

REFERRING TO THE STATE HOUSE

EVERGREEN AS A HOLIDAY TREE.

OH COME ON, A HOLIDAY TREE?

WHAT OTHER HOLIDAYS HAVE

TREES.

ARE WE GOING TO OFFEND THE

SHINTO WINTER BON ZY

FESTIVAL?

YES, CHRISTMAS IS UNDER

ATTACK IN AMERICA AND IT'S

NOT JUST HOLIDAY TREES, IT'S

STORE GREETERS SAYING HAPPY

HOLIDAYS.

AND HOTELS NAMING THEMSELVES

HOLIDAY INN.

IT'S CHRISTMAS INN, READ THE

CONSTITUTION.

(LAUGHTER)

SO I'VE GOT TO SAY CHRISTMAS

TOO, I GUESS THIS IS THE

BLITZKRIEG ON GRINCHITUDE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

JESS CUSS REALLY DO THAT

STUFF.

FOLKS, OUR FIRST GAGGLE OF

GRINCHES ARE LARGE

DEPARTMENT STORES, MACY'S,

NIEMAN MARCUS, LORD & TAYLOR

AND J.C. PENNEY HAVE STOPPED

OFFERING FREE GIFT WRAP.

ACCORDING TO NIEMAN MARCUS,

MORE AND MORE PEOPLE LIKE TO

WRAP THEIR OWN PACKAGES OR

ARE HAPPY WITH A BEAUTIFUL

BOX.

OR REALLY?

YOU WANT TO SWHEE COMES IN A

BEAUTIFUL BOX?

(LAUGHTER)

>> THAT MAN NEEDS A GIFT

BASKET FROM CLINIQUE.

NATION, I AM A RED BLOODED

AMERICAN MALE AND THERE ARE

SOME THINGS I WILL NEVER

LEARN.

WHAT A DUVET IS.

THE NAMES OF MY NIECES AND

NEPHEWS, AND GIFT WRAPPING.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I

TRIED TO WRAP MY WIFE'S

PRESENT, OKAY.

THIS IS A PAIR OF EARRINGS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> AND IT JUST WORKS FORGET

HO, HO, HO THIS YEAR, SANTA

IS BEING TAUGHT NOW HOW TO

SAY NO, NO, NO.

THIS HOLIDAY SEASON HE IS

BALANCING THE JOB OF BEING A

GENEROUS SANTA WITH A NEW

REALITY OF HAVING TO TELL

CHILDREN TO LOWER THEIR

EXPECTATIONS IN A BAD

ECONOMY.

YOU ASKED FOR ANYTHING THAT

YOU WANT FROM SANTA BUT

UNFORTUNATELY, SANTA HAS A

BUDGET TOO.

AND WE'RE IN TIGHT TIMES.

MRS. CLAUSE AND I HAD TO SIT

DOWN AND WE LITERALLY HAD TO

CUT BACK.

IF EVERY CHILD ASKED FOR AN

iPAD, WE WOULD BE BANKRUPT.

>> Stephen: LISTEN UP,

FATMAN, THE WHOLE POINT OF

YOU BEING AT THE MALL IS TO

UPSELL THESE KIDS.

WHEN LITTLEJOHNEE ASKS YOU

FOR AN XBOX YOU REMIND HIM

HOW MUCH COOLER HE WOULD BE

WITH THE CONDUCT, A ONE-YEAR

LIVE X BOX SYSTEM AND YOU

DON'T SAY HO, HO, HO,

NOTHING CAN MATCH THE 3-D

GRAPHICS OF YOUR

IMAGINATION.

AND IF A KID ASKS YOU FOR

SOMETHING THAT IS TOO

EXPENSIVE, YOU DO THE

RESPONSIBLE THING, YOU TELL

HIM HE IS NOT BEEN GOOD

ENOUGH.

NOW THINK HOW MUCH MORE

RESPONSIBLE HE WILL BE WHEN

HE ASKS FOR THAT RED SCHWINN

SPEEDSTER ONLY TO DISCOVER

ON CHRISTMAS MORNING THAT

IT'S ANOTHER YEAR OF

SWEATERS AND TUBE SOCKS.

WON'T HE BE EXTRA MOTIVATED

TO BEHAVE BETTER NEXT YEAR?

WEEK AFTER WEEK HE'LL BE

MAILING YOU THOSE LETTERS

ASKING FOR THAT BIKE BECAUSE

THIS TIME HE IS SURE HE'S

BEEN A GOOD BOY.

HE DID HIS CHORES.

HE ATE HIS BEANS.

AND HE DIDN'T CRIES ONCE

WHEN EVERYONE AT PEEWEE

SOFTBALL CALLED HIM A SPAZ

WITH.

WHO CARES IF HE CAN'T THROW

SOME STUPID BALL FROM HOME

PLATE TO THE PITCHER'S MOUND

WITHOUT IT TAKING THREE

BOUNCES.

ONE DAY HE'S GOING TO RACE

AWAY FROM THAT GAME ON HIS

RED SCHWINN SPEEDSTER AND

SHRIEK ACROSS THE SKY LIKE A

MAGICAL SUPERCOME ED AND

THEN THEY'LL ALL SEE.

I MEAN WHAT MORE DOES HE

HAVE TO DO, SANTA?

HE JUST WANTS TO RIDE.

OTHER FATHER CHRISTMAS, OH

FATHER CHRISTMAS, IF YOU

LOVED ME AT ALL, LET ME RIDE!

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

FINALLY, FOLKS, GOOD NEWS ON

THE CHRISTMAS WAR FRONT.

SOME FOLKS ARE FIGHTING BACK

FULLY ARMED, JIM?

>> WHEN YOU THINK 6 SANTA

CLAUS AND AN AK-47 ASSAULT

RIFLE DOESN'T COME TO MIND

BUT A AMMO PACKING SANTA HAS

BEEN TURNING UP AT THE

SCOTTS DALE GUN CLUB IN

ARIZONA LETTING MEMBERS POSE

WITH SANTA ALONG WITH THEIR

CHOICE OF GUNS.

>> Stephen: NOTHING SAYS

CHRISTMAS LIKE AN AK-47.

AND EVEN IF IT DOESN'T, WITH

AN AK-47 YOU CAN MAKE

CHRISTMAS SAY ANYTHING YOU

WANT IT TO.

FOLKS, I AM ALL FOR THIS.

WHY SHOULDN'T OUR GUNS BE

ABLE TO PARTICIPATE IN

CHRISTMAS TOO?

I MEAN MY GUN'S SWEETNESS

LOVES CHRISTMAS.

WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT'S THAT, BABY?

SPEAK UP, WHAT'S THAT?

>> YES, I THINK THERE MIGHT

BE SOME ARMOUR PIERCING

BULLETS AND UNDER THE TREE.

NO PEEKING NOW.

IN FACT I HAVE ONLY ONE

COMPLAINT FOR THE SCOTTS

DALE GUN CLUB.

LOOK AT THEIR WEB SITE.

GET YOUR HOLIDAY PICTURE

WITH SANTA AND HIS MACHINE

GUN.

WHAT DOW MEAN HOLIDAY

PICTURE.

THEY ARE TAKING THEIR CHRIST

OUT OF JESUS CHRIST WATCH

WHERE YOU POINT THAT THING.

SO THIS YEAR, FOLKS, WHY NOT

GATHER UP THE FAMILY, COME

TO OH, LOOK, WE'RE UNDER THE

MISTLE TOE.

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