Sochi Olympics Cry-athlon

  • Aired:  02/06/14
  •  | Views: 29,442

Vladimir Putin places a blockade on yogurt, and Sochi hotel amenities include toxic water and stray dogs. (4:09)

NOW, NATION, THE OPENINGCEREMONIES FOR THE 2014 WINTER

OLYMPICS ARE JUST ONE DAY AWAY,WHICH, OF COURSE, IS THE SILVER

MEDAL OF THEM STARTING TODAY.

IN THE RUN-UP TO THESE GAMES,VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS GOTTEN A LOT

OF CRITICISM FOR ANTIGAY LAWS,FOR BULL DOZING POOR

NEIGHBORHOODS TO BUILD OLYMPICFACILITIES AND NOW HARSHEST OF

ALL FOR HIS YOGURT BLOCKADE.

>> THERE IS AN ATTEMPT AT YOGURTDIPLOMACY.

RUSSIA IS HOLDING UP 5,000SINGLE-SERVE CONTAINERS OF

CHOBANI YOGURT.

CHUCK SCHUMER SAID IT'S STRANDEDAT NEW YORK'S AIRPORT.

>> Stephen: OUR ATHLETES'YOGURT IS BEING EMBARGOED BUT

IT'S ONLY BECAUSE THE RUSSIANSWANT TO PROTECT TRADITIONAL

FAMILY VALUES.

LET'S FACE IT-- IT'S NO SECRETTHAT YOGURT IS THE GAYEST DAIRY

PRODUCT.

( LAUGHTER )FIRST OF ALL, FIRST OF ALL, IT'S

GREEK STYLE.

( LAUGHTER )IT'S-- IT LONGS TO BE IN THE

MOUTH OF JOHN STAMOS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

AND-- AND-- ( CHEERS )

HEAR ME OUT.

HEAR ME OUT.

NEED I MENTION, FRUIT ON THEBOTTOM.

( APPLAUSE )( LAUGHTER )

OF COURSE, EVERYBODY KNOWS,EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT I HAVE

OWNED THE WINTER OLYMPICS EVERSINCE I SAVED VANCOUVER IN 2010

BY BAILING OUT THE U.S.

SPEEDSKATING TEAM WITH MY YOURMONEY.

FOLKS, I CANNOT WAIT TO GET TOSOCHI.

ALTHOUGH, I MIGHT HAVE TO.

>> NEW CONCERNS THAT SOCHI ISNOT READY TO HOST THE GAMES.

>> HOTELS AND OTHER BUILDINGSAREN'T FINISHED.

>> JOURNALISTS ARE APPALLED BYTHE CONDITION OF THEIR HOTEL

ROOMS, MANY OF THEM IN SHAMBLES.

>> THE ROOMS-- SPARTAN IS A NICEWAY TO CALL THEM.

>> A TWEET-- MY HOTEL HAS NOWATER.

THE FRONT DESK SAYSDO NOT USE IT ON YOUR FACE

BECAUSE IT CONTAINS SOMETHINGVERY DANGEROUS.

>> Stephen: LET ME GET THISSTRAIGHT.

SHE'S COMPLAINING THAT HER HOTELSHUT OFF THE FACE-POISON VALVE?

I'M SORRY, THAT'S JUST SEEINGTHE GLASS OF TOXIC YELLOW FLUID

AS HALF EMPTY.

AND THESE REPORTERS' IVY TOWERATTITUDE EXTEND TO THE PORCELAIN

THRONE.

>> NOTICE THE SIGN HERE ASKINGUSERS NOT TO FLUSH TOILET PAPER,

INSTEAD THEY'RE SUPPOSED TOTHROW IT IN THE TRASH CAN.

>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S ALITTLE ROUGH, THAT'S A LITTLE

ROUGH.

BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, THESECRET POLICE PROBABLY WON'T GO

THROUGH YOUR TRASH NOW.

( LAUGHTER )JIMMY, WHAT'S THE NEXT EVENT IN

THE CRY-ATHALON.

>> EVEN AS THE CITY SIDEWALKSBEGIN TO FILL WITH ATHLETES AND

TOURISTS, SOME OF THOSESIDEWALKS HAVE YET TO BE PAVED.

>> NOT ALL THE MANHOLES ARECOVERED.

>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT ONESURPRISES ME.

I MEAN, GIVEN THE ANTIGAY LAWS,YOU WOULD EXPECT PUTIN TO

COVER THE MANHOLES.

( LAUGHTER )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I'M SORRY.

I'LL TELL YOU, FOLKS, THAT DOESNOT EXCUSE ALL THIS NIT-PICKING

BY THE COMPLAIN-STREAM MEDIA.

>> A GERMAN REPORTER SAID WHENHE CHECKED INTO HIS HOTEL ROOM,

THERE WAS A STRAY DOG LIVINGINSIDE.

>> Stephen: LOOK, DO YOU WANTYOUR TOILET FIXED OR NOT?

IT'S A BUSY WEEK, AND THE HOTELONLY HAS ONE REPAIR DOG.

THE POINT IS, ALL THESE PROBLEMSCAN BE SOLVED.

SOCHI STILL HAS ALMOST NINEHOURS BEFORE THE OLYMPICS BEGIN.

BESIDES, I'VE SEEN WAY WORSE,FOLKS.

UP TO THE TALK BATHROOMNIGHTMARE.

HAD I WAS IN VANCOUVER, THEHOTEL GIVE ME MINI BOTTLES OF

SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER, BUT NOLOTION.

I HAD TO USE CONDITIONER ON MYSKIN.

AND LET ME TELL YOU, FOUR YEARSLATER, YOU'D BE ALARMED BY THE

PARTS OF MY BODY THAT ARE STILLTANGLE-FREE.

IF I CAN TOUGH IT OUT, SOCHIREPORTERS, YOU CAN TOUGH IT IT

OUT.

WHAT'S THIS?

I'VE JUST BEEN HANDING ABREAKING NEWS BULLETIN FROM

MYSELF THAT SAYS I WILL NOT BEATTENDING THE SOCHI OLYMPICS.

DAMN IT!

>> THAT'S TOO BAD, FOLKS.

I HEAR THEY'D ALMOST FINISHEDTHE RUNWAY.

MY PLANE WAS SUPPOSED TO CRASH.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.