Sport Report - Soccer Debate - Marc Fisher & Mark Starr

  • Aired:  06/10/10
  •  | Views: 106,555

Michael Jordan tries to bring back the Hitler mustache, while Marc Fisher and Mark Starr debate the merits of soccer. (8:47)

FOLKS, WHEN I PLAY SPORTS, I

LEAVE IT ALL ON THE FIELD

BECAUSE THE LINES TO THE

BATHROOM ARE WAY TOO LONG.

THIS IS "THE SPORT REPORT."

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FIRST UP, BASKETBALL.

NATION, EVERYBODY KNOWS THE

GREATEST ATHLETE WHO EVER LIVED

OR WHO WILL EVER LIVE IS MICHAEL

JORDAN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVE HAD A PHOTO OF THAT MAN

ON MY SET FROM DAY ONE, AND IT'S

BECAUSE OF HIS INFLUENCE THAT

EVERY TIME I'M ABOUT TO NAIL A

PARTICULARLY HARD GUEST, I STICK

MY TONGUE OUT.

AND AS A CHAMPION, M.J. THRIVED

ON ACHIEVING THE IMPOSSIBLE, AND

FOLKS, HE'S AT IT AGAIN.

CHECK OUT HIS NEW COMMERCIAL FOR

HANES UNDERWEAR WHERE MICHAEL

JORDAN IS TRYING TO BRING BACK

THE HITLER MUSTACHE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH, NEIN, HE DI-N'T.

[LAUGHTER]

BOLD.

THAT IS A BOLD CHOICE.

AND, FOLKS, WE ALL STILL WANT TO

BE LIKE MIKE.

PERSONALLY, I CANNOT WAIT TO

ENROLL MY KIDS IN MICHAEL

JORDAN'S MEIN BASKETBALL CAMPF.

OF COURSE, THIS LITTLE 'STACHE

DREW A FOUL FROM JORDAN'S OLD

BASKETBALL, GOLFING AND SERIOUS

GAMBLING PROBLEM BUDDY CHARLES

BARKLEY.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE

WAS THINKING, AND I DON'T KNOW

WHAT HANES WAS THINKING.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST STUPID.

I SHOOT COMMERCIALS ALL THE

TIME.

THEY HAVE A LADY THAT STANDS

THERE AND LOOKS AT EVERY PIECE

OF CHEESE ON MY TACO.

[LAUGHTER]

>> STEPHEN: WELL, CHARLES, MAYBE

IF YOU PUT ON PAIR OF HANES, SHE

WOULDN'T HAVE TO STARE AT YOUR

TACO.

WELL, I FOR ONE SAY, GO FOR IT,

MICHAEL.

HITLER'S A BAD GUY, BUT IT'S NOT

LIKE THE MUSTACHE KILLED

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE.

PLUS, JORDAN TONES IT DOWN BY

ADDING THE SOUL PATCH.

OKAY.

YOU ADD A SOUL PATCH FROM HITLER

AND HE GOES FROM GENOCIDAL

MANIAC TO JAZZ DRUMMER.

I'VE ALWAYS SAID, IT'S A VERY

FINE LINE.

SPEAKING OF CRIMES AGAINST

HUMANITY, SOCCER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

A LITTLE GIFT FOR YOU, MY

FRIEND.

THE WORLD CUP STARTS TOMORROW,

FOLKS.

I MEANT TO SAY THE WORLD CUP

STARTS TOMORROW, [BLEEPED] SO

IT'S A BIG EVENT.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE

EXCITING ACTION.

WHAT DAY IS IT?

THE ONLY THING THAT COULD

POSSIBLY MAKE ME CARE ABOUT

SOCCER IS REVENGE.

LUCKILY ON SATURDAY THE WRITES

IS SET TO FACE ENGLAND IN THE

FIRST ROUND WHICH MEANS WE'LL

FINALLY HAVE CHANCE TO GET BACK

AT THOSE LIMEY BASTARDS FOR THE

OIL SPILL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HERE'S HOW WE'RE GOING TO BEAT

'EM.

OKAY.

HERE'S HOW WE'RE GOING TO BEAT

'EM.

OKAY.

LATE IN THE SECOND HALF WE SEND

U.S. FORWARD ROBBIE FINDLEY

SPRINTING DOWN THE SIDELINES AS

EDSON BUDDLE LOOPS AROUND

BRITAIN'S CENTER MIDDIE AND

PASSES TO LANDON DONOVAN.

DONOVAN GETS SET UP FOR THE GOAL

AND WE DUMP TEN MILLION GALLONS

OF CRUDE OIL ON THEIR SIDE OF

THE FIELD.

>> CROWD U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A!

[APPLAUSE]

>> STEPHEN: THAT IS SOME LIGHT

SWEET CRUDE.

THEN WE STOP PLAY WHILE SHRIMP

FISHERMEN IN HAZMAT SUITS SCRUB

DOWN THE BRITISH TEAM WITH

TOOTHBRUSHES, WHICH WILL HAVE

THE ADDED BENEFIT OF INTRODUCING

THE BRITISH TO THE CONCEPT OF

TOOTHBRUSHES.

EVEN IF ALL THIS CAME THE PASS,

I STILL DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT

THE WORLD CUP BECAUSE AS AN

AMERICAN I DON'T CARE ABOUT

SOCCER.

SOCCER IS JUST ONE MORE THING

THE REST OF THE WORLD IS TRYING

TO JAM DOWN OUR THROATS, LIKE

THE METRIC SYSTEM AND THE GENEVA

CONVENTION.

HERE TO VICIOUSLY CONFIRM MY

PREJUDICE, PLEASE WELCOME

WASHINGTON POST COLUMNIST AND

NOTED SOCCER BALL BUSTER MARC

FISHER.

MARC, THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING

ON.

OKAY, MARC, FIRST QUESTION, THE

REST OF THE WORLD LOVES SOCCER.

WHY IS THE REST OF THE WORLD

WRONG?

[LAUGHTER]

>> WE'RE IN THE FIFTH DECADE NOW

OF BEING TOLD THAT SOCCER IS

ABOUT THE HAPPEN IN THIS

COUNTRY.

>> STEPHEN: IT'S AN ELEGANT

SPORT.

>> IT AINT EVER HAPPENING.

SOCCER IS UNMESH BECAUSE IT'S

TOO SIMPLISTIC.

IT'S A GREAT GAME FOR LITTLE

KIDS RUNNING AROUND ON THE

FIELD.

THEY GET THEIR CARDIO IN.

THEY EAT COOKIES.

BUT THEN THEY GROW UP.

>> STEPHEN: RIGHT, THEY GROW UP.

>> WHEN THEY GROW UP, THEY'RE

FINISHED WITH SOCCER BECAUSE

THEY CRAVE COMPLEXITY.

THEY LIKE GAMES THAT ARE

COMPLEX.

WE LIKE GAMES WITH TIME IN AND

TIME OUT.

>> STEPHEN: WE WANT THINGS TO

HAPPEN.

>> JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING IS

POPULAR, DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT.

RICE IS THE MOST POPULAR FOOD ON

EARTH.

>> STEPHEN: RIGHT, RIGHT,

FOREIGN COUNTRIES WEAR

NUT-HUGGER JEANS.

YOU WON'T SEE US DOING THAT OVER

HERE.

NOW, TO BE FAIR, HERE TO DEFEND

THE WORLD CUP, PLEASE WELCOME

VETERAN "NEWSWEEK" CONTRIBUTOR

WHO NOW WRITES FOR THE GLOBAL

POST.COM, MR. MARK STARR.

MARK, THANKS FOR COMING ON.

WAIT A SECOND.

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO

OFFEND YOU.

I KNOW YOU'RE A SOCCER FAN.

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT SOCCER IS

A SPORT?

[LAUGHTER]

>> IT'S PLAYED BY THE GREATEST

ATHLETES IN THE WORLD.

>> STEPHEN: THEY'RE NOT AMERICAN

ATHLETES.

>> THE AVERAGE MID-FIELDER IN

SOCCER RUNS SEVEN MILES, THAT'S

ABOUT TWO OR THREE MORE MILES

THAN KOBE BRYANT IS GOING TO

RUB.

>> STEPHEN: NOBODY GOES INTO A

STADIUM TO WATCH PEOPLE JOG.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE ON THE ROPE.

YOU'RE ON THE ROPE.

NOW LISTEN, SIR...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHY DON'T THEY DO FOOTBALL, REAL

FOOTBALL?

>> THEY ARE DOING BASKETBALL.

THEY DO BASEBALL IN SOME PARTS

OF THE WORLD, BUT THERE IS NONE

OF THIS CRAZED NATIONALISM.

>> STEPHEN: WHAT ABOUT SOCCER

HOOLIGANS.

>> NONE OF OUR SPORTS DO YOU

HAVE TO HAVE THE FANS PINNED

BEHIND A CHAIN LINK FENCE.

>> STEPHEN: SIR, ARE YOU A

SOCCER HOOLIGAN?

HOW MANY CARS DID YOU OVERTURN

BEFORE YOU CAME IN HERE

>> APPARENTLY THIS MAN HAS NEVER

BEEN TO ANY GAME IN

PHILADELPHIA.

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S TRUE.

PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HOOLIGANISM

AND THE FESTIVE AT MS FEAR.

WHAT ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING ON

THE PITCH.

I THINK THEY HOLD THE WORLD CUP

EVERY FOUR YEARS BECAUSE THAT'S

HOW OFTEN THERE IS A SCORE.

>> THESE ARE THE GREATEST

ATHLETES OF THE WORLD.

THEY'RE NOT FREAKS OF NATURE.

>> STEPHEN: WHAT'S A FREAK OF

NATURE?

>> SOMEONE WHO IS SEVEN FEET

TALL.

>> STEPHEN: FREAK OF NATURE?

THEY PREFER TO BE CALLED AFRICAN

AMERICANS.

I FIND THAT OFFENSIVE.

YOU ARE... THAT IS A TERRIBLY

OFFENSIVE THING FOR YOU TO SAY.

[LAUGHTER]

I APOLOGIZE, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

MARK STARR, MARC FISHER, THANK

YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING ME.

THE WORLD CUP STARTS TOMORROW.

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