Operation Artificial Swedener

  • Aired:  06/12/12
  •  | Views: 88,164

Sweden lets one citizen tweet for the country every week, but Stephen finds that he is 100xs more suited for this than the entire nation of Sweden. (3:58)

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WELCOME BACK.

NATION, YOU KNOW IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW WHEN IT COMES TO OTHER COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD I'M AGAINST.

(LAUGHTER) BUT RECENTLY I'VE BEEN ENTHRALLED BY SWEDEN'S NEW CAMPAIGN TO PROMOTE TOURISM.

THE COUNTRY'S NATIONAL TWITTER ACCOUNT--@SWEDEN-- HONEST TO GOD, IS BEING HANDED OVER TO A

NEW SWEDE EVERY WEEK.

THAT'S RIGHT, EVERY WEEK ONE PERSON SPEAKS FOR THE ENTIRE CULTURE.

(LAUGHTER) I BELIEVE IT'S MODELED ON THE G.O.P. PRIMARIES.

(LAUGHTER) NOW, THE FIRST SWEDER TWEETER,

JACK WERNER, SET A VERY HIGH BAR RESPONDING TO A QUESTION ABOUT HOW HE SURVIVED SWEDEN'S LONG WINTERS.

HE TWEETED "I GUESS I'M DRINKING A LOT OF COFFEE, LIGHTING MY FACE UP WITH MY LAPTOP AND

HANGING OUT WITH MY FRIENDS.

OH, AND YOU KNOW, MASTURBATION." (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LITTLE TWITTER HINT.

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE 140 CHARACTERS DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO USE ALL OF THEM.

(LAUGHTER) THIS WEEK'S OFFICIAL TWIT-PLOMAT SONJA ABRAHAMSSON WROTE A

CHARMING QUESTION "WHAT'S THE FUZZ WITH JEWS?

YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE IF A PERSON IS A JEW UNLESS YOU SEE THEIR PENISES AND EVEN IF YOU DO YOU

CAN'T BE SURE." (AUDIENCE REACTS) TURNS OUT, AN ARYAN LOOKING

WOMAN ASKING HOW TO IDENTIFY JEWS CAUSED QUITE THE FUZZ.

(LAUGHTER) BUT I THINK THIS IS A GREAT SYSTEM, FOLKS.

I WANT CONTROL OF SWEDEN'S TWITTER ACCOUNT NEXT.

THEY WOULD BE CRAZY NOT TO GIVE IT TO ME.

THE@SWEDEN ACCOUNT HAS ONLY 33,000 FOLLOWERS WHEREAS I HAVE 3.5 MILLION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SO MATHEMATICALLY I AM 100 TIMES MORE PREPARED FOR THIS THAN THE

ENTIRE NATION OF SWEDEN!

AND I CAN CERTAINLY SPEAK FOR SWEETEN.

I'LL PROVE IT.

(SINGING AS THE SWEDISH CHEF) (LAUGHTER) I HOPE BEING PICKED AS SWEDEN'S

OFFICIAL TWEETER COMES WITH A PHONE REPLACEMENT BUDGET.

(LAUGHTER) OF COURSE-- THANK YOU, APPLE-- OF COURSE SWEDEN'S TWITTER

ACCOUNT CURRENTLY ONLY ACCEPTS APPLICANTS WHO ARE SWEDISH CITIZENS.

THOUGH THEY ADMIT THIS MIGHT CHANGE IN THE FUTURE.

(LAUGHTER) THE FUTURE, EH?

PRESENT, PRESENT, PRESENT,

PRESENT, PRESENT.

ONE DAY.

IN THE MEANTIME, ALL DOING AS A NON-CITIZEN IS URGE COLBERT NATION AND ITS SWEDISH

EQUIVALENT CJOLBERT NOTION TO PRESSURE SWEDEN'S MINISTRY OF TWITTER INTO GIVING ME THE CONTROLS.

I SOLEMNLY SWEAR THAT I, STEPHEN COLBERT, KNOW WHAT THE FUZZ IS WITH JEWS.

(LAUGHTER) I'LL EXPLAIN THE WHOLE DEAL TO YOU GUYS.

IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SO JUST FIRE OFF AN E-MAIL TO CURATORAPPLICATION JACKET

VISITSWEDEN.COM AND LET THEM KNOW THAT I AM YOUR CHOICE.

MAYBE THROW IN A COUPLE HURNEY-SHHMURNEYS TO MAKE IT AUTHENTIC.

(LAUGHTER) LET'S MAKE OPERATION ARTIFICIAL SWEDENER A SUCCESS.

(LAUGHTER) FOR NOW, AS THEY SAY IN SWEDEN,