Royal Remains

  • Aired:  02/05/13
  •  | Views: 18,339

Archeologists discover King Richard III's remains beneath a supermarket parking lot, which explains his famous last words: "My kingdom for a Hot Pocket!" (3:58)

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN!"]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

I ESPECIALLY -- I ESPECIALLY WANT TO WELCOME THOSE TEN MEN DOWN IN THE DUNGEON SERVING

THEIR MASTER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JUST GET OUT OF THERE, GUYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELCOME TO TONIGHT'S KINESCOPE.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

NATION, ALL OF US IN CABLE NEWS HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO BRING YOU THE LATEST NEWS MOST RELEVANT TO

YOUR LIFE.

SO LET'S GET TO THE STORY EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT: THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF YORK!

JAMES, BRING FORTH THE TOWN CRIERS!

>> THE BONES OF ENGLAND'S KING RICHARD III ARE FINALLY FOUND.

>> 500 YEAR OLD ROYAL REMAINS.

>> SCIENTISTS CONFIRM THAT REMAINS FOUND UNDER A PARKING LOT IN ENGLAND ARE IN FACT THOSE

OF KING RICHARD III.

>> SHOPPERS FOR YEARS HAVE BEEN PARKING THEIR CARS RIGHT OVER THE REMAINS OF KING RICHARD THE

III UNDER A SUPER MARKET PARKING LOT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT!

KING RICHARD THE THIRD HAS BEEN FOUND UNDERNEATH THE PARKING LOT OF A SUPERMARKET!

[LAUGHTER]

THAT EXPLAINS WHY HIS FAMOUS LAST WORDS WERE "MY KINGDOM FOR A HOT POCKET!"

[LAUGHTER]

RICHARD THE THIRD, OF COURSE, IS

[LAUGHTER]

RICHARD THE THIRD, OF COURSE, IS REMEMBERED AS AN INFAMOUS VILLAIN, MOSTLY THANKS TO

SHAKESPEARE'S FAMOUS PLAY-- I WANT TO SAY "CORIOLANUS"?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT HE'S ALSO AN IMPORTANT HISTORICAL FIGURE BECAUSE HE WAS THE LAST KING OF THE PLANTAGENET LINE.

FOR THOSE WHO AREN'T FAMILIAR, PLANTAGENET MEANS HE WAS DESCENDED FROM A PLANT.

[LAUGHTER]

HE WAS THE LAST ONE.

QUEEN ELIZABETH, DESPITE THAT VINE GROWING OUT OF HER HEAD, IS INCAPABLE OF PHOTOSYNTHESIS.

[LAUGHTER]

SO HOW DID THE SCIENTISTS KNOW THAT THIS WAS HUNCHBACK KING, AND NOT SOME POOR 15TH-CENTURY

BRITON WHO STARVED TO DEATH WAITING FOR A GROCERY-STORE PARKING SPACE?

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, RESEARCHERS OBSERVED "A DISTINCT SPINAL CURVATURE" THAT WAS RICHARD III'S MOST

PRONOUNCED PHYSICAL FEATURE." THAT SETTLES IT, BECAUSE ONCE YOU DECOMPOSE, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE

FOR STRAIGHT BONES TO REARRANGE INTO ANY OTHER SHAPE.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, RICHARD?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT AS IMPORTANT AS THIS STORY IS, I WAS A LITTLE DISTURBED WHEN I HEARD HOW THESE BONES

WERE FOUND: THEY USED GROUND-PENETRATING RADAR.

REALLY?

GROUND PENETRATING RADAR?

IS THERE NO LIMIT TO HOW FAR THESE PAPPARAZZI WILL GO IN VIOLATING BRITISH ROYALS' PRIVACY?

[LAUGHTER]

FIRST, THEY'RE TAKING LONG-DISTANCE PHOTOS OF A TOPLESS PRINCESS KATE.

JIMMY, DO WE HAVE ANY OF THOSE THAT AREN'T PIXELATED?

[LAUGHTER]

NO?

DID WE CHECK?

OKAY.

IT'S SHAMEFUL, NATION.

A RESPECTED MEMBER OF THE MONARCHY TAKES A WELL-DESERVED, 500-YEAR UNDERGROUND VACATION TO

SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME ALONE WITH HIS "TEN WOUNDS, EIGHT OF THEM IN THE SKULL,"

AND THE PRESS THINKS "YEAH, LET'S PUT SOME PICTURES OF A SKINLESS KING RICHARD ON PAGE THREE.

THAT'LL MOVE SOME PAPER." YOU KNOW THE NEXT TIME HIS BODY LEAVES A LIMO, THEY'LL BE TRYING

TO GET AN UP-FEMUR SHOT.

[LAUGHTER]

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