Health Care Lottery

  • Aired:  04/01/13
  •  | Views: 26,091

Tennessee's health care lottery finally adds some suspense to that old, boring question: "Will I see tomorrow?" (5:46)

SO GET IT TOGETHER, YOUR HOLINESS.

BUST OUT THE BEDAZZLER AND LOSE THE LADIES.

OR SO HELP ME, I WILL CONTINUE TO OBEY WHATEVER YOU SAY.

[LAUGHTER]

FOLKS, EVERY DAY MORE AND MORE FREELOADERS ARE SUCKING AT THE GOVERNMENT TEAT.

WHICH IS ESPECIALLY TROUBLING SINCE UNCLE SAM IS A DUDE.

THAT'S NOT EVEN COUNTING OBAMACARE WHICH TAKES EFFECT IN LESS THAN EIGHT MONTHS.

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?

IF YOU GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM NOW, YOU'LL BE COVERED BY THE TIME YOU FINALLY SEE A DOCTOR.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE'RE ALL VERY ANGRY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, OBAMACARE RAISES ELIGIBILITY FOR MEDICAID TO 133% OF THE POVERTY LINE, ALLOWING IT TO COVER 30 MILLION

MORE AMERICANS BY 2022.

THIRTY MILLION MEDICAL MOOCHERS.

[LAUGHTER]

TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, IF YOU LAID THEM ALL END TO END, THEY WOULD STRETCH TO CANADA,

WHICH IS WHERE THEY SHOULD MOVE IF THEY WANT FREE HEALTHCARE!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HOUSE REPUBLICANS HAVE DONE THEIR PART.

THEY HAVE VOTED TO REPEAL OBAMACARE 39 TIMES.

ONE MORE AND THEY GET FREE HEALTHCARE FOR LIFE.

[LAUGHS] JUST KIDDING.

THEY GET THAT NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

AND HERE'S OBAMA'S TRAP.

THE FEDS ARE PICKING UP 100% OF THE COST OF EACH STATE'S MEDICAID EXPANSION UNTIL 2017.

BUT THEN, OVER THE NEXT FOUR YEARS, THE PERCENTAGE THE FEDS PAY PLUNGES ALL THE WAY DOWN TO 90%.

[LAUGHTER]

BY THEN, YOUR STATE IS HOOKED LIKE A DIABETIC JONESING FOR HIS INSULIN FIX.

OH, THEY LOVE IT.

GET HELP, JUNKIE!

[LAUGHTER]

LUCKILY, REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS AREN'T FALLING FOR IT, LIKE TENNESSEE GOVERNOR BILL HASLAM.

UNDER OBAMACARE, 180,000 PEOPLE FROM TENNESSEE WOL BE ADDED TO HIS STATE'S MEDICAID OR TENNCARE PROGRAM BUT

HASLAM SAID NO, EXPLAINING, "A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY, 'HEY, THAT'S AN EASY CALL.

JUST EXPAND THREE YEARS 100% AND THEN WALK AWAY AT THAT POINT IN TIME.' I DON'T THINK YOU CAN EASILY

WALK AWAY.

NO.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HEARTBREAKING IT IS TO TELL SOMEONE THEY'RE NO LONGER GETTING HEALTHCARE?

IT'S SO MUCH KINDER TO JUST TELL THEM THEY'RE NEVER GETTING HEALTHCARE.

[LAUGHTER]

BESIDES, THE GOVERNOR IS CONFIDENT THAT TENNESSEE CAN GO IT ALONE, BECAUSE TENNESSEE

ALREADY HAS A GREAT PLAN FOR GETTING AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE TO THE THOSE WHO NEED IT: A HEALTH

CARE LOTTERY.

TWICE A YEAR, RESIDENTS WHO HAVE HIGH MEDICAL BILLS AND WHO WOULDN'T BE ELIGIBLE FOR

TENNCARE CAN CALL A STATE PHONE LINE AND REQUEST AN APPLICATION, BUT THEY NEED TO DO IT QUICK,

BECAUSE THE LINE SHUTS DOWN AFTER 2,500 CALLS-- TYPICALLY WITHIN AN HOUR.

YES, FOR ONE HOUR, TWICE A YEAR A FEW LUCKY PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK WE'VE GOT SOME FOOTAGE.

>> COME ON DOWN!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Stephen: DON'T FORGET.

PLEASE SPAY OR NEUTER YOUR POOR.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW SINCE THE LINE IS ONLY OPEN FOR AN HOUR, WOULD-BE APPLICANTS ARE ENCOURAGED TO USE MULTIPLE

PHONES, AND TO DIAL AND DIAL AND DIAL.

[LAUGHTER]

YES, KEEP CALLING!

AND IF YOU DO GET THROUGH, MAKE SURE YOU SHOUT "TENNESSEE TENNCARE HAS ALL THE HEALTHCARE

HITS!" AND YOU'LL WIN TWO TICKETS TO SEE YOUR DERMATOLOGIST LIVE AT THE BOURBON BLUES AND BOOGIE BAR!

[LAUGHTER]

OF COURSE, IF YOU MISS THE WINDOW TO CALL IN, DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN STILL GET MEDICAL

ASSISTANCE BY SPEAKING TO NURSE BRANDI FOR ONLY $2.99 A MINUTE.

SHE'S VERY THOROUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT IS A SELF SCAM -- SELF EXAM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NATION, I LOVE THIS HEALTHCARE LOTTERY.

IT FINALLY ADDS SOME SUSPENSE TO THAT OLD, BORING QUESTION: "WILL I SEE TOMORROW?"

[LAUGHTER]

WE SHOULD DO THIS EVERYWHERE.

EVERY STATE CAN INTRODUCE SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

MAYBE A NEW LINE OF SCRATCH-OFF SURGERY TICKETS.

IT'S FUN!

HERE RE GO.

COLLAPSED LUNG.

[ LAUGHTER ]

COLLAPSED LUNG!

CLOGGED ARTERY.

DAMN!

WELL, BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME IF THERE IS ONE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND TO COVER SKYROCKETING DRUG COSTS, WE'LL HAVE A PRESCRIPTION BOOTH!

[LAUGHTER]

GRAB AS MANY AS YOU CAN IN 30 SECONDS!

WHO KNOWS, ONE OF THEM MIGHT CURE YOU.

AND THE OTHERS MIGHT GET YOU HIGH.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW WILL THESE HEALTHCARE LOTTERIES HELP EVERYONE?

NO.

BUT IF YOU DON'T GET THE CARE YOU NEED, THERE IS A BACKUP PLAN.

YOU'LL AUTOMATICALLY BE ENTERED IN A DIFFERENT LOTTERY.

IF YOU GET THE BLACK DOT, ALL YOUR PROBLEMS ARE OVER.

[LAUGHTER]

Loading...