Elephants in the Room

  • Aired:  06/14/11
  •  | Views: 49,842

Michele Bachmann announces her candidacy at the second Republican debate, and Tim Pawlenty runs for Mitt Romney's vice president. (8:23)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

(CROWD CHANTING "STEPHEN")

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELCOME TO THE "REPORT,"

EVERYBODY.

PLEASE.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

NATION, LAST NIGHT ALL EYES WERE

ON NEW HAMPSHIRE FOR THE VERY

FIRST SECOND REPUBLICAN DEBATE.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THE CANDIDATES WASTED IN

TIME ESTABLISHING THEIR

PRO-FAMILY CREDENTIALS.

>> I'M TIM PAWLENTY, I'M A

HUSBAND.

MY WIFE MARY AND I HAVE BEEN

MARRIED FOR 23 YEARS.

I'M THE FATHER OF TWO BEAUTIFUL

DAUGHTERS.

>> KARA AND I HAVE R THE PARENTS

OF SEVEN CHILDREN.

>> I'VE HAD FIVE CHILDREN AND WE

ARE THE PROUD FOSTER PARENTS OF

23 GREAT CHILDREN.

>> I DELIVERED BABIES FOR A

LIVING.

DELIVERED 4,000 BABIES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Stephen: FOLKS, I'M CONFIDENT

THESE CANDIDATES ARE GOING TO

CONNECT WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

SINCE APPARENTLY THEY MADE MOST

OF THEM.

(LAUGHTER)

ANY WAY, THE CANDIDATES CEDE LOT

OF STUFF.

THE AUDIENCE WAS THERE.

IT WAS ELECTRIFYING.

BUT THERE IS NO DOUBTING WHAT

THE BOMBSHELL OF THE EVENING

WAS.

>> I JUST WANT TO MAKE AN

ANNOUNCEMENT HERE FOR YOU, JOHN,

ON CNN TONIGHT.

I FILED TODAY MY PAPERWORK TO

SEEK THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITED STATES TODAY.

>> Stephen: WHAT THE WHAT?

(LAUGHTER)

SOMEONE IN A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S LIKE GOING TO A WEDDING

AND THE COUPLE ANNOUNCES THEY'VE

APPLIED FOR A MARRIAGE LICENSE!

NO ONE COULD HAVE SEEN THIS

COMING!

IT'S LIKE THE END OF AN.

MANY NIGHT SHYAMALAN MOVIE.

WAIT A SECOND.

WAIT A SECOND!

WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT THAT ONE

OF THE CANDIDATES IS ACTUALLY

DEAD!

(LAUGHTER)

>> WHO'S IT GOING SNOB

>> PAWLENTY WAS THE LOSER.

>> HE REALLY LOOKED WEAK.

DIDN'T LOOK LIKE AN ALPHA MALE

GUY.

>> A BETA DOG, A BOILED NOODLE.

>> Stephen: A BOILED NOODLE?

NOT T-PAW!

HE WAS ALWAYS AT LEAST AL DENTE!

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN, PAWLENTY'S CAMPAIGN WAS

SOARING LIKE A CHICKEN TOSSED

OFF A BARGE!

I MEAN, JUST TWO DAYS AGO ON FOX

NEWS SUNDAY PAWLENTY JACKED MITT

ROMNEY FLIGHT THE HEALTH CARE

PLAN!

JIM?

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA SAID THAT HE

DESIGNED OBAMACARE AFTER ROMNEY

CARE AND BASICALLY MADE IT

OBAMNEYCARE.

>> OH, NO!

OBAMNEYCARE IS PERFECT!

IT'S THE BRANGELINA OF POLITICAL

ATTACKS!

(LAUGHTER)

HE GOT MITT ROMNEY RIGHT IN THE

ACHILLES HEEL AND EVEN WORSE,

HEEL INJURIES ARE COVERED UNDER

OBAMNEYCARE!

SO THE MINNESOTA GOVERNOR WAS

TOTALLY PRIMED AND READY WHEN

JOHN KING LOBBED HIM A SOFTBALL

EVEN THE MINNESOTA WINS THE

COULD HIT.

>> YOU JUST HEARD THE GOVERNOR

REBUT YOUR CHARACTERIZATION

OBAMNEYCARE.

>> WELL, THE ISSUE THAT WAS

RAISED IN A QUESTION FROM A

REPORTER WAS WHAT ARE THE

SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO AND

I JUST CITED PRESIDENT OBAMA'S

OWN WORDS.

>> WAS OBAMNEYCARE ON FOX NEWS

SUNDAY, WHY IS IT NOT

OBAMNEYCARE STANDING WITH THE

GOVERNOR DELIGHT?

>> PRESIDENT OBAMA IS THE PERSON

WHO I QUOTED IN SAYING HE LOOKED

TO MASSACHUSETTS FOR DESIGNING

HIS PROGRAM.

>> Stephen: FORGET OBAMNEYCARE.

I WANT TO KNOW HOW MINNESOTA'S

HEALTH PLAN KEEPS TIM PAWLENTY

ALIVE WITHOUT A SPINE.

(LAUGHTER)

O BOOMNY CARE!

OBAMNEYCARE WAS PERFECT!

YOU HAD ROMNEY ON THE ROPES.

YOU'VE GOT TO FINISH HIM!

YOU'VE GOT TO SWEEP THE LEG.

CNN'S CORNELL BELCHER GETS IT.

>> IF SOMEONE OCCUPY IT IS STATE

THAT YOU AND I OCCUPY AND

THEY'RE AHEAD OF YOU I'M SORRY,

YOU'VE GOT TO CUT THAT PERSON

AND MAKE THEM BLEED.

NOW, DO YOU TAKE A HATCHET TO

THEM THE FIRST NIGHT IN THE

DEBATE?

NO, BUT YOU HAVE TO MAKE THEM

BLEED BECAUSE YOU'RE NEVER GOING

TO GET AHEAD OF THAT PERSON

UNLESS YOU CUT THEM AND YOU MAKE

THEM BLEED.

>> Stephen: YEAH!

DOWN HIM!

DOWN HIM!

WHAT, WHAT?

OH!

MAKE HIM BLEED!

BY THE WAY, SOMEONE NEEDS TO

CHECK THIS MAN'S CRAWL SPACE.

(LAUGHTER)

WHY DIDN'T YOU STICK IT INTO

ROMNEY AND TWIST THE HANDLE?

BY THE WAY, IF ROMNEY WON THE

DEBATES, I'M A BIG SUPPORTER OF

HIS NOW.

AND ALL I CAN IMAGINE IS

PAWLENTY IS NOW RUNNING FOR

ROMNEY'S VICE PRESIDENT.

WHY ELSE WOULD HE LET MITT MOUNT

HIM LIKE A SILVERBACK GORILLA.

(LAUGHTER)

AND, FOLKS, THERE ARE A LOT OF

GOOD REASONS FOR PAWLENTY TO BE

VICE PRESIDENT.

ROMNEY HAS SAID HE LIKES THE

ECONOMIC IDEAS THAT PAWLENTY HAS

BEEN THROWING AROUND.

LIKE THIS ECONOMIC IDEA HE

ANNOUNCED LAST WEEK.

>> WE SHOULD CUT THE BUSINESS

TAX RATE BY MORE THAN HALF.

ON THE INDIVIDUAL RATES, I

PROPOSE JUST TWO RATES, 10% AND

25%.

>> Stephen: JUST TWO RATES.

IT'S EASY A CHILD COULD

UNDERSTAND IT, ESPECIAL THEY

E-TRADE BABY WHO I BELIEVE IS IN

THE TOP 2%.

(LAUGHTER)

AND THE PAWECONOMICS, AVERAGE

AMERICANS WILL SAVE $700 A YEAR

WHILE AMERICANS WHO SAVE $10

MILLION A YEAR WILL SAVE $2.4

MILLION.

NOW, THAT WOULD WIDEN THE GAP

BETWEEN THE SUPERRICH AND THE

MIDDLE-CLASS BUT THAT GAP IS

ALREADY SO WIDE WE CAN'T HEAR

THEM COMPLAINING.

(LAUGHTER)

AND PAWLENTY HAS A SIMPLE WAY OF

PAYING FOR ALL HIS TAX CUTS.

>> WE CAN START BY WHAT I CALL

THE GOOGLE TEST.

IF YOU CAN FIND A SERVICE OR A

GOOD AVAILABLE ON GOOGLE OR THE

INTERNET, THEN THE FEDERAL

GOVERNMENT PROBABLY DOESN'T NEED

TO BE PROVIDING THAT GOOD OR

SERVICE.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

>> Stephen: YES.

IF YOU CAN FIND IT ON GOOGLE,

THE GOVERNMENT SHOULDN'T DO IT.

THAT'S WHY THE GOVERNMENT

SHOULDN'T DO PORN.

(LAUGHTER)

I MEAN...

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GUYS... WHY PAY THE POST OFFICE

44 CENTS TO SEND YOUR GRANDMA A

LETTER WHEN YOU CAN PAY FEDEX 25

BUCKS.

IT SHOWS HER YOU CARE MORE AND

WHEN GRANDMA FEDEXS YOU A

BIRTHDAY CARD WITH $5 IN IT, IT

WILL ONLY TAKE FOUR MORE YEARS

TO HAVE ENOUGH TO SEND HER A

THANK YOU NOTE.

SO I SAY WE CAN GOOGLE TEST OUR

WAY TO ELIMINATING THE

GOVERNMENT ALL TOGETHER.

OKAY, FOR INSTANCE, WHO NEEDS

THE DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION

TO MAINTAIN OUR INTERSTATE

HIGHWAYS WHEN I CAN JUST GOOGLE

R. PASQUALLY AND SONS PAVING.

IT'S RIGHT THERE ON THEIR WEB

SITE "NO PAVING JOB IS TOO BIG."

GOOD.

THEY CAN FILL THE POTHOLES ON

I-95.

AS LONG AS MR. DI PASQUALLY HAS

MORE SONS THAN MICHELE BACHMANN.

AND, FOLKS, IT'S EASY.

WE CAN ELIMINATE MEDICARE.

THERE'S ALL KINDS OF HEALTH

SERVICES ON THE INTERNET.

SENIORS, IF YOU'RE FEELING CHEST

PAIN, JUST FIRE UP YOUR MAC

BOOK, GO TO WEB M.D., SEARCH THE

MESSAGE BOARDS FOR THE RIGHT

PHARMACEUTICAL BY FRIENDING

CARDIAC PATIENTS ON FACEBOOK,

THEN CREATE A FAKE GMAIL ACCOUNT

TO BUY BLACK MARKET PLAVIX FROM

CANADA.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THE POINT IS REGARDLESS OF THE

FACT THAT TIM PAWLENTY CRATERED

IN LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE, HIS

GROUND BREAKING GOOGLE SOLUTION

MEANS HE'S STILL AN ATTRACTIVE

CANDIDATE BECAUSE I CAN GOOGLE

TIM PAWLENTY.

(LAUGHTER)

AND IF I CAN GOOGLE TIM PAWLENTY

THAT MEANS HE'S ABSOLUTELY

UNNECESSARY IN GOVERNMENT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WHICH MAKES HIM THE PERFECT VICE

PRESIDENT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.