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  • Aired:  09/12/11
  •  | Views: 33,273

If Americans can exploit the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks to make a quick buck, it's like hitting the terrorists with economic Jujitsu. (4:38)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY

MUCH, EVERYBODY.

FOLKS, WELCOME BACK.

FOLKS, IT WAS A TENSE

WEEKEND ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

ON THURSDAY ANOTHER

TERRORIST THREAT HAD NEW

YORK CITY ON HIGH ALERT.

PLUS THIS WEEKEND TWO

DIFFERENT AIRPLANES RECEIVED

FIGHTER JET ESCORTS AMID

REPORTS OF SUSPICIOUS

ACTIVITY BY PASSENGERS.

ON ONE FLIGHT THE TROUBLE

WAS THREE PASSENGERS WHO

MADE REPEATED BATHROOM TRIPS

AND ON THE OTHER TWO PEOPLE

SPENDING AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT

OF TIME IN A BATHROOM.

FOLKS, THIS IS WHY I HAVE

LONG CALLED FOR REMOVING

BATHROOMS FROM AIRPLANES.

IF YOU CAN'T HOLD IT FOR SIX

HOURS, TAKE A BOAT.

IT'S ON A BATHROOM.

OR YOU CAN JUST MAKE EVERY

SEAT A TOILET.

THAT WAY THE UNDERWEAR

BOMBER HAS GOT TO SHOW US

WHAT THEY GOT, PLUS YOU CAN

PEE IN TURBULENCE WITHOUT

BECOMING AN OSCILLATING

SPRINKLER.

OF COURSE, THIS IS ALL

BECAUSE YESTERDAY WAS THE

TENTH ANNIVERSARY OF 9/11.

NOW AS A BROADCASTER I AM

OBLIGATED TO REMIND YOU HOW

YOU FELT BACK THEN.

YOU WERE SAD.

AND TEN YEARS ON WE NEED TO

ASK OURSELVES HAVE WE AS A

NATION RECOVERED.

WELL, I WASN'T SURE UNTIL I

SAW ALL THIS GREAT 9/11

COMMEMORATIVE STUFF YOU CAN

BUY.

I'M TALKING ABOUT 9/11 SHOES.

9/11 CRIBBAGE BOARDS, 9/11

DOG COLORS, EVEN A 9/11

CHESS SET HONORING THE

POLICE AND FIREFIGHTERS WHO

I ASSUME FOUGHT TO CAPTURE

EACH OTHER'S KINGS.

(LAUGHTER)

>> FOLKS, THESE TERRORISTS

ATTACKED US BECAUSE THEY

HATED OUR WAY OF LIFE.

AND WHAT TYPIFIES OUR WAY OF

LIFE MORE THAN SELLING EACH

OTHER USELESS CRAP MADE IN

CHINA.

IF WE CAN EXPLOIT--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> IF WE CAN EXPLOIT THIS

ANNIVERSARY OF THEIR ATTACK

TO MAKE A QUICK BUCK, WE

WIN.

THAT'S HITTING THE

TERRORISTS WITH ECONOMIC

JIUJITSU.

AND YOU KNOW HOW THEY FEEL

ABOUT THE JEWS.

NOW ONE-- ONE SHOPPING

GREASE-PORTUNI I LIKE COMES

FROMLY SELLERS WHO WERE

OFFERING COMMEMORATIVE

BOTTLE-- BOTTLES OF 9/11

WINE.

THIS MERLOT RIGHT HERE, 9/11

MERLOT, THIS IS PERFECT FOR

WHEN YOU'RE DRINKING TO

NEVER FORGET.

(LAUGHTER)

>> YOU WILL WAKE UP THE NEXT

MORNING--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU WILL WAKE UP THE NEXT

MORNING SAYING MY GOD, HOW

MUCH DID I REMEMBER LAST

NIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> AND NO, BEFORE YOU ASK IT

DOESN'T COST $9.11.

245 WOULD BE CRASS.

IT COSTS $19.11.

YOU DON'T WANT TO HONOR THE

HEROES WITH SOME CHEAP ASS

$9 WINE.

BESIDES, THE SELLERS STATE

THEY ARE DONATING 6 TO 10%

OF THE PROCEEDS TO THE NINE

FLOOIN MEMORIAL.

SO TO HELL WITH THE

NAYSAYERS LIKE QUEEN CITY

COUNCILMAN PETER VALLONE, JR.

WHO SAID WHAT IS NEXT A 9/11

PASS TROM-- PASTRAMI SAND

WITCH, NO, COUNSEL ILMAN, NO,

WHAT IS NEXT IS 9/11 SUSHI.

STING WAY RUSHI IN PHOENIX,

ARIZONA S OFFERING THE 9/11

REMEMBRANCE ROLL MADE WITH

SPICEI CRAB, AV

CRAD-- AVOCADO AND ASPARAGUS

TOPPED TO TUNA AND QUITE

FISH.

HMMMM THAT IS A COALITION OF

THE FILLING.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD THAT GO

GREAT WITH, SOME 9/11

CHARDONNAY.

AND FOLKS, KIDS WILL LOVE

THE WE SHALL NEVER FORGET

9/11 THE KID'S BOOK OF

FREEDOM COLORING BOOK,

ESPECIALLY THIS PICTURE OF

OSAMA BIN LADEN COWHERING

BEHIND ONE OF HIS WIVES AS

THE BULLET IS ON ITS WAY TO

KILL HIM.

MY ONLY COMPLAINT

HERE-- COMPLAINT HERE, THE

BULL SET TOO SMALL FOR

LITTLE BILLY TO WRITE IN

COURT SEE OF THE RED, WHITE

AND BLUE MOTHER [BLEEP] SO

BRAVO!

YES, BRAVO.

(APPLAUSE)

BRAVO 9/11 MERCHANDISERS.

THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO POKE

A STICK IN THE EYE OF OUR

ENEMY.

WHICH IS WHY I AM PLEASED TO

OFFER THIS LIMITED EDITION

9/11 NEVER FORGET EYE POKING

STICK.

(LAUGHTER)

FOLKS, IT CAN BE YOURS FOR

JUST 20-9/11.

I WANT TO ASSURE YOU SOME

THE PROCEEDS WILL GO

SOMEWHERE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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