Beverage-Based Polling & Pizza Toppings Town Hall

  • Aired:  10/10/12
  •  | Views: 17,861

The 7-Eleven coffee cup poll has a margin of error of "Mormons can't drink coffee," and Pizza Hut promises one town hall questioner free pies for life. (4:57)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN!

STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: AWFULLY NICE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

WELCOME TO THE REPORT, GOOD TO

HAVE YOU WITH US.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS KIND

OF THAT TIME OF YEAR TO ASK THE

QUESTION IS THIS NOT--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

, PLEASE, PLEASE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE COULD

POWER MY WHOLE VILLAGE IF WE

COULD JUST PUT SOME JUMPER

CABLES ON YOUR NIPPLES RIGHT NOW

AND IT'S CHILLY ENOUGH TO DO SO

IN THIS ROOM.

FOLKS, ISN'T THIS A GREAT

CAMPAIGN?

♪ EVERYTHING'S COMING UP ROMNEY

♪ ♪

THE LATEST POLLS HAVE ROMNEY

NECK AND NECK WITH OBAMA.

FOLKS, THIS RACE IS AS TIGHT AS

MITT'S SMILE WHEN HE MEETS A

POOR PERSON.

( LAUGHTER )

( LAUGHTER )

UNFORTUNATELY, UNFORTUNATELY,

FOLKS, THERE'S STILL ONE POLL

OUT THERE THAT GIVES PAUM A

CHANCE.

>> 7-ELEVEN STORES ARE GIVING

VOICE TO THE PEOPLE BY OFFERING

A CHOICE OF COFFEE CUBS IN OBAMA

BLUE OR ROMNEY RED.

THE COMPANY SAYS THE VOTES

PEOPLE CAST NATIONALLY CAN BE

USED AS VALUABLE POLLING DATA.

>> Stephen: YES.

IN 7-ELEVEN'S CUP HOLE, RIGHT

NOW, OBAMA IS UP BY 20 POINTS

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NO, FOLKS, WAIT A SECOND.

ARE WE SURE THEY'RE NOT USING

FOUR--YEAR-OLD DATA?

BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'RE

USING FOUR-YEAR-OLD HOT DOGS.

WHAT IS TERRIFYING ABOUT THIS IS

THE 7-ELEVEN CUP POLL IS

UNCHARACTERLY ACCURATE.

>> DID YOU KNOW THIS PROMOTION

ACTUALLY LINED UP PERFECTLY WITH

THE RESULTS OF A 2004 AND 2008

ELECTIONS?

>> Stephen: AND WHO CAN

FORGET IN 2010 WHEN THEY

ACCURATELY PREDICTED THE

ELECTION OF SENATOR SHREK?

( LAUGHTER )

NATION, I CALL BIAS ON 7-ELEVEN.

THEIR ENTIRE POLL HAS A MARGIN

OF ERROR OF PLUS OR MINUS

MORMONS CAN'T DRINK COFFEE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS GOING

ON HERE?

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON

HERE, FOLKS?

VOTER FRAUD.

OH, YEAH.

WHY ELSE WOULD ANYONE DRINK

7-ELEVEN COFFEE?

FOLKS, WE MUST REQUIRE VOTER

I.D. BEFORE ANYONE CAN BUY A CUP

OF JOE.

I AM SURE 7-ELEVEN WILL BE JUST

AS RIGOROUS ABOUT CHECKING

I.D. FOR CUPS AS THEY ARE FOR

BEER AND CIGARETTES.

BUT ULTIMATELY, BEVERAGE-BASED

POLLING, I BELIEVE, DEMEANS OUR

POLITICAL PROCESS.

THANKFULLY, NEXT WEEK, THERE'S

ANOTHER PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

IT'S A TOWN HALL FORMAT WHICH

MEANS AVERAGE CITIZENS WILL HAVE

A ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME CHANCE TO

ASK THE MOST POWERFUL MEN IN THE

WORLD ABOUT THE MOST VITAL

ISSUES FACING OUR NATION.

OR ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE

( LAUGHTER )

>> PIZZA HUT IS GOING TO BE

GIVING FREE PIZZA FOR LIFE TO

ANY CUSTOMER WHO ASKS PRESIDENT

OBAMA OR MITT ROMNEY IF THEY

PREFER SAUSAGE OR PEPPERONI

PIZZA AT THE UPCOMING DEBATE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

WHOEVER USES THEIR BRIEF TIME AT

THE NATIONAL MIC TO ASK THE

CANDIDATES, SAUSAGE OR

PEPPERONI, WILL RECEIVE FREE

PITA HUT PIZZA FOR LIFE.

AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, THAT'S

MEANT TO BE A REWARD.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

BECAUSE IT'S DELICIOUS

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I LOVE IT.

I EAT IT.

I EAT IT ALL THE TIME.

AND SO SHOULD YOU.

NOW, FOLKS THEY SAY FOR LIFE,

BUT THE QUESTIONER WILL ACTUALLY

RECEIVE THE EQUIVALENT OF ONE

FREE PIZZA PER WEEK FOR 30

YEARS.

WHICH I THINK IS PITA HUT'S WAY

OF SAYING IF YOU EAT ONE OF

THEIR PIZZAS EVERY WEEK, YOU

WILL DIE IN 30 YEARS.

( APPLAUSE )

SO JUST WHAT MOTIVATED-- JUST

WHAT MOTIVATED PIZZA HUT TO GET

OFF THE COUCH AND GET INVOLVED

IN OUR POLITICAL PROCESS?

WELL, ACCORDING TO THE COMPANY'S

C.M.O., WHICH I HOPE STANDS FOR

CHIEF MOZZARELLA OFFICER, WE

RECOGNIZE THAT THERE ARE A LOT

OF SERIOUS ISSUES TO BE DEBATED,

BUT WE ALSO KNOW A LOT LESS

SERIOUS BUT NO-LESS-IMPORTANT

ONES ARE BEING DISCUSSED EVERY

NIGHT INSIDE HOUSES ACROSS THE

COUNTRY.

TRUE.

ISSUES LIKE WHAT THE ( BLEEP )

HAS HAPPENED TO AMERICAN

DEMOCRACY?

( LAUGHTER )

FOLKS, I LOVE THIS.

WHAT COULD BE MORE AMERICAN THAN

USING OUR ELECTORAL PROCESS FOR

PRODUCT PLACEMENT?

I MEAN, MITT

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