Tip/Wag - Toys "R" Us, Shroom Tombs & John Pike

  • Aired:  11/06/13
  •  | Views: 47,813

Toys "R" Us reminds kids that nature sucks, mushroom death suits provide an eco-friendly demise, and John Pike receives workers' comp after pepper-spraying protestors. (6:11)

IT'S COMING.

MARK MY WORDS.

NATION, YOU KNOW I AM JUDGE, JURY AND EXECUTIONER SO MAKING LOVE WITH ME IS A FOUR-WAY.

THIS IS TIP OF THE HAT, WAG OF THE FINGER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) FOLK, I DON'T HAVE TO TILL THE KIDS HAVE LOST OUT OF WHAT IS IMPORTANT, ALL THEY

CARE ABOUT IS THEIR TWEETING AND THEIR TWERKING, RUBBING YOUR BUTT AGAINST THINGS

SHOULD BE RESERVED FOR REVENGE AGAINST YOUR BOSS.

THAT'S WHY PERSONALLY I'M GRATEFUL OUR KIDS HAVE ONE RELIABLE SOURCE OF GOOD VALUES, TELEVISION ADS.

>> TODAY WE'RE TAKING SOME KIDS ON THE BEST FIELD TRIP THEY COULD WISH FOR, AND

THEY DONE EVEN KNOW IT.

>> HI, GUYS.

I'M RANGER BRAD.

WELCOME ABOARD.

WE'RE NOT GOING TO WASTE ANY TIME.

LET'S PLAY NAME THAT LEAF.

WHAT'S THIS ONE?

HE SAYS IT IS AN OAK LEAF.

IT IS A FIELD MAPLE, THAT'S OKAY.

I'M A BIG FAN OF TREES, I DONE KNOW IF YOU CAN TEMPT BUT WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE

FOREST TODAY, WE'RE GOING TO TOIS TOIS, GUYS.

-- TOYS R US.

WELCOME TO THE WORLD'S GREATEST TOY STORE!

TOYS R US HAS REALLY CAPTURED THE MAGIC OF HAVING A STRANGER TAKE YOUR KIDS ON A BUS, LIE ABOUT WHERE

THEY'RE GOING THEN TAKE OFF HIS CLOTHES AND PROMISE HIM TOYS.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, MORE PORNLY, I WANT TO GIVE A BIG TIP OF THE HAT TO TOYS R US

FOR REMINDING OUR KIDS THAT NATURE SUCKS.

THIS COMMERCIAL SHOWS KIDS THE GREAT OUTDOORS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE MAJESTY OF A STRIP MALL.

AND THEY STILL GET SOME NATURE BECAUSE REMEMBER, THAT CONFETTI USED TO BE A TREE.

BESIDES NATURE IS BORING.

I PLAYED IN IT ONCE.

IT WAS NOTHING TO BUY, I HAD TO PRETEND TO STICK WITH A SWORD OR TELESCOPE OR MAGIC WAND.

THAT'S TOO MANY OPTION.

KIDS NEED THE CLARITY OF A MOLDED PLASTIC NERF RIFLE.

IT'S NOT JUST THE FOREST THAT BLOWS, IT'S THE ANIMALS TOO.

KIDS CAN LEARN A LOT MORE FROM THE ANIMALS OF CHUCK E.

CHEESE THAN THEY CAN FROM A POLAR BEAR AT THE ZOO.

I WATCHED THIS GUY FOR AN HOUR, HE -- PLAY ANY BLUEGRASS EVEN AFTER I THREW A BANJO AT HIM.

NEXT UP, FOLKS, WE ONLY HAVE SO LONG ON THIS PLANET.

SO WHEN I DIE I WANT TO BE BURIED IN THE MOST MASSIVE MAUSOLEUM POSSIBLE.

THAT WAY I CAN SPEND ETERNITY DOING WHAT I LOVE MOST, TAKE UP MORE SPACE THAN I NEED.

(LAUGHTER) THAT'S WHY I AM SO OFFENDED BY THIS NEW PRODUCT.

>> A MUSHROOM BURIAL SUIT DESIGNED TO HELP THE BODY DECOMPOSE AFTER DEATH IS THE

LATEST CONCEPT TURNING HEADS AT A CONVENTION DOWNTOWN.

>> IT'S A MUSHROOM DEATH SUIT EMBEDDED WITH AN INFINITE MUSHROOM SPORS DESIGNED TO SPEED OFF-- FEED

OFF THE BODY AND SPEED UP DECOMPOSITION.

>> SPEED UP DECOMPOSITION, I'M SORRY, IS MY DEAD BODY NOT DECOMPOSING FAST ENOUGH

FOR YOU.

HOW THOUGHTLESS OF ME.

FOLKS, I WOULD NOT BE CAUGHT DEAD IN THIS MUSHROOM DEATH SUIT.

WHICH, INCIDENTALLY, WAS ALSO THE NAME OF MY DOOM METAL BAND.

SO I AM GIVING A BIG WAG OF THE FINGER TO SHROOM TOMB.

FOLK, THE BURIAL INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX IS RALLYING BEHIND THIS MUSHROOM SHROUD FOR THE

WORST POSSIBLE REASONS.

>> THE IDEA TO WERE TECT THE ENVIRONMENT FROM TOXIC CHEMICALS, THE SUIT MAKER

SAYS R OFTEN ASSOCIATED WITH KRE MATION AND GRAVEYARD BURIALS.

>> INSTEAD OF KRE MATION WE'RE LOOKING AT MORE GREEN OPTIONS, NATURAL BURIAL

OPTIONS AND THIS LENDS ITSELF TO THAT.

>> WHO ARE THESE MONSTERS WHO TURN MY DEATH INTO SOME KIND OF NATURAL PROCESS?

AND PERSONALLY I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THE LOW GRADE SHIITAKES THIS THING WILL TURN ME INTO.

TO, IF I'M TURNING INTO A FUNGUS IT HAD BETTER BECOME WHITE PREMIUM TRUFFLES SNIFFED OUT BY A BOAR IN THE

FOREST OF ITALY THEN SHAVED OVER A HEDGE FUND MANAGER'S LYNN QUEENEE FOR $300 A PLATE.

WOW, WOW.

-- LINGUINI.

(APPLAUSE) I SOUND DELICIOUS.

I HOPE I DIE IN TIME FOR ME TO EAT MYSELF.

FINALLY, FOLKS, I LOVE HAPPY ENDINGS.

I ALSO ENJOY STORIES THAT FEEL GOOD AT THE CONCLUSION.

WELL HERE'S ONE THAT IS SURE TO WARM THE KOCH ELS OF YOUR HEART.

YOU ALL REMEMBER TWO YEARS AGO WHEN THE STUDENTS AT UC DAVIS HOLDING A SIT-IN TERRORIZED THE CAMPUS

SIDEWALK WITH THEIR BUTTS AND HAD TO HAVE THEIR EYES PEPPER BOARDED.

IT WAS A DARK STORY THAT GRIPPED A NATION.

BUT WILL YOU BE HAPPY TO KNOW THE VICTIM HAS FINALLY BEEN COMPENSATED.

>> JOHN PIKE, THE CAMPUS POLICE OFFICER AT UC DAVIS WHO PEPPER SPRAYED THOSE

PROTESTORS WILL RECEIVE $38,000 IN WORKERS COMP FOR THE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY HE SUFFERED IN THE AFTERMATH.

>> Stephen: FOLKS-- I KNOW, I'M HAPPY TOO.

IT IS THE BIGGEST PAYOUT FOR ASSAULTING PEOPLE'S EYES SINCE TRANSFORMERS 3.

(LAUGHTER) SO I WANT TO GIVE A TIP OF THE HAT TO JOHN PIKE FOR FINALLY GETTING COMPENSATION

FOR THE BRUTALITY OF JOHN PIKE.

THIS MAN CANNOT WALK DOWN THE STREET WITHOUT BEING CALLED A PEPPER SPRAY GUY.

AND THAT STINGS.

NOT AS BAD AS PEPPER SPRAY BUT STILL PRETTY BAD.

BECAUSE THE CORNEA CODDLERS OUT THERE TURNED THIS GUY INTO THE WORST THING YOU COULD POSSIBLY BECOME, AN

INTERNET MEME.

AN INTERNET MEME!

SO FOLKS, PIKE HAS GOTTEN JUSTICE.

BUT WHAT OF THE OCCUPIED PROTESTORS WHOSE EYES WERE SO DANGEROUSLY SQUIRTABLE.

>> JOHN PIKE WILL RECEIVE $38,000 IN WORKERS COMP, BY COMPARISON THE 21 PEOPLE HIT

BY THE PEPPER SPRAY AND THE OTHERWISE PEACEFUL PROTEST, EACH RECEIVED $30,000.

>> Stephen: SURE, THE PROTESTORS GOT LESS BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE THEY BEAT

THE ODDS AND ACTUALLY MADE MONEY WITH A LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE.

(LAUGHTER) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

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