Co-Ed Lab Rats

  • Aired:  05/19/14
  •  | Views: 14,565

Scientists discover that the tradition of testing medicine exclusively on male subjects can lead to negative side effects for women. (4:01)

WELCOME TO THE REPORT,

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,COME ON!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")

WELCOME TO THE REPORT,EVERYBODY,

GOOD TO YOU HAVE WITH US ONTHIS FINE SPRING MONDAY NIGHT.

WE GOTTA GO. NATION, THANK YOUSO MUCH.

YOU KNOW, FOLKS IT'S NOTJUST MINDLESS ADORATION,

FOLKS.

I NEED IT AND I WANT TOTHANK YOU FOR SINGLING ME

OUT FOR YOUR APPLAUSE.

IT MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL ASAN INDIVIDUAL.

BECAUSE FRANKLY I'M SICK ANDTIRED OF HEARING ABOUT

EQUALITY.

EQUALITY RIGHTS FOR GAYS,EQUAL PAY FOR WOMEN.

EQUAL SPACE FOR EQUAL.

AND NOW OBAMA'S EQUALICRATS OVERAT NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF

HEALTH ARE DIRECTINGSCIENTISTS TO PERFORM THEIR

EXPERIMENTS ON BOTH FEMALEAND MALE ANIMALS.

COED LAB RATS?

THAT'S A BAD IDEA.

YOU KNOW LATE AT NIGHT THEY'REGONNA HOOKUP AT WORK AND THEN

IT'S GONNA BE AWKWARD AROUNDTHE WATER BOTTLE THE NEXT DAY.

YOU SEE TRADITIONALLY WHENSCIENTISTS TEST A DRUG ON

MICE OR RATS THEY AREUSUALLY MALE.

SEEMS NATURAL ENOUGH, THE FEMALERATS ARE ALL BEING USED TO TEST

COSMETICS. BUT-- LOOKING GOOD,ALL RIGHT.

BUT OF COURSE THERE'SANOTHER REASON THE FEMALE

RATS WERE LEFT OUT OF THEEXPERIMENTS.

>> TURNS OUT FEMALE RATSALSO HAVE THOSE PESKY

HORMONES SO TO CONTROL FORTHAT VARIABLE, MOST

RESEARCHERS STUDY JUST MALES.

YOU GOT TO LEAVE THE FEMALESOUT.

ANY SCIENTIST KNOWS IT ISCRUCIAL TO ELIMINATE

EXTRANEOUS VARIABLES LIKEHALF THE GLOBAL POPULATION.

BUT APPARENTLY, APPARENTLY,FOLKS, TURNS OUT THAT

OMISSION CREATED A FEW OOPSYDAISIES LIKE AMBIEN DOSAGE.

AMBIEN WAS PUT ON THE MARKETAFTER EXTENSIVE TESTING 20 YEARS

AGO BUT LAST YEAR THE FDATOLD WOMEN TO CUT THEIR

DOSES IN HALF BECAUSE NEWSTUDIES SHOW THEY

METABOLIZE THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT

MORE SLOWLY THAN MEN DO.

UNFORTUNATELY A LOT OF THOSEWOMEN DIDN'T HEART THE FDA

BECAUSE THEY WERE ASLEEP FORSOME REASON.

AND NOW THEY'RE BLAMING THERATS.

>> NOT STUDYING BOTH MALEAND FEMALE ANIMALS RESULTS

IN MORE PROBLEMS FOR WOMENDOWN THE ROAD.

>> IF THE WHOLE DARNPIPELINE IS MALE DOMINATED

AND SEX DIFFERENCES TRULYDO MATTER HOW CAN IT NOT BE

THE CASE THAT YOU ARE GOINGTO END UP WITH ON AVERAGE A

LOT MORE NEGATIVE SIDEEFFECTS IN WOMEN THAN IN MEN

SO, WOMEN SHOULD BE GRATEFULFOR BONUS SIDE EFFECTS.

I MEAN THIS TIME IT'S BEINGSLEEPY BUT NEXT TIME IT

MIGHT BE INVISIBILITY ORHEAT VISION.

AND THIS LONG-STANDINGTRADITION OF TESTING ON ONLY

MALE SUBJECTS IS BASED ONTHE UNDERLYING ASSUMPTION

THAT FEMALES ARE SIMPLY AVARIATION ON A THEME.

FOLKS THAT'S SCIENCE.

MALE IS DEFAULT HUMAN.

ALL RIGHT IF YOU WANT BELLSAND LISTENS LIKE THE BUMPY

BITS IN FRONT OR ALL THATFANCY PLUMBING DOWN THERE,

IT COMES AT A PRICE, LADIES.

FOR INSTANCE WE DON'T MAKEMEDICINE FOR YOU.

I MEAN AFTER ALL HOW ARE WESUPPOSED TO, WOMEN ARE TOO

COMPLICATED THAT IS WHY THEYARE NOT ALLOWED ON BOATS.

THEIR GYNO PIECES MAKE COMPASSGOES CRAZY.

DON'T BELIEVE ME, THEN WHYARE THEIR INSIDES EXACTLY

LIKE THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE?

LOST A LOT OF GOOD MEN INTHERE.

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