The Word - Gateway Hug

  • Aired:  04/18/12
  •  | Views: 31,322

Kissing and hugging are the last stop before reaching Groin Central Station, so it's important to ban all the things that lead to the things that lead to sex. (5:03)

DOES!

(APPLAUSE) NOW, FOLKS, YOU WATCH THE SHOW,

YOU KNOW I DO NOT BELIEVE TEACHING KIDS SEX EDUCATION.

YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW ANY OF THE GOREY DETAILS UNTIL YOUR WEDDING NIGHT THEN, IN THE

HONEYMOON SUITE THAT'S WHEN MRS. FEBERT WHEELS IN THE CHALK BOARD.

I'M A BIG PROPONENT OF ABSTINENCE ONLY EDUCATION WHICH HAS PROVEN EFFECTIVE WITH ONLY

ONE EXCEPTION-- IT DOESN'T WORK.

(LAUGHTER) YOU SEE, A NEW REPORT FROM THE NATIONAL CENTER FOR HEALTH STATISTICS SHOWS THAT STATES

WITH ABSTINENCE ONLY EDUCATION HAVE HIGHER TEEN PREGNANCY RATES AND, OF COURSE, THEY'RE CON

CONVENIENTLY LEAVING OUT THE FACT THAT FOR NINE MONTHS THOSE GIRLS ARE NOT GETTING PREGNANT.

THAT'S PROGRESS.

NOW THANKFULLY THERE'S A SURE FIRE WAY TO STRENGTHEN OUR SEXLESS ED CURRICULUM AND IT

BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S WORD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) GATEWAY HUG.

FOLKS, THE PROBLEM WITH ABSTINENCE ONLY EDUCATION IS THAT IT ASKS KIDS TO ABSTAIN ONLY FROM SEX.

NOT FROM EVERYTHING THAT LEADS UP TO IT.

YOU KNOW, FIRST BASE, SECOND BASE, WHATEVER THE KIDS CALL IT THESE DAYS.

WELL...

(LAUGHTER) LUCKILY LAWMAKERS IN TENNESSEE HAVE FOUND A WAY TO NIP THIS

PROBLEM IN THE BUDDING SEXUALITY FOR MORE WE GO TO ACTION NEWS 5,

MEMPHIS'S KNEW LEADER.

>> TENNESSEE SENATORS HAVE APPROVED AN UPDIET THE STATE'S ABSTINENCE BASED SEX EDUCATION LAW.

>> A NEW BILL SAYS HOLDING HANDS AND KISSING COULD BE CONSIDERED A GATEWAY TO HAVING SEX.

>> THE BILL PROHIBITS TEACHERS FROM SHOWING GATEWAY SEXUAL ACTIVITY.

>> Stephen: TEACHERS MUST STOP SHOWING GATEWAY SEXUAL ACTIVITY.

IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO BAN SHOWING HOW TO PUT A CONDOM ON A BANANA.

WE HAVE TO STOP TEACHING OUR KIDS HOW TO FRENCH KISS A CANTALOUPE.

(LAUGHTER) NOW I BELIEVE THAT THIS LAW IS VITAL BECAUSE THINGS LIKE HOLDING HANDS AND KISSING ARE

JUST LIKE GATEWAY DRUGS.

(LAUGHTER) I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT, KISSING AND HUGING ARE JUST THE LAST

STOP BEFORE THE TRAIN PULLS INTO GROIN CENTRAL STATION.

(LAUGHTER) NOW WE DESPERATELY NEED TO INTERVENE EARLIER, TO KEEP KIDS

FROM ENGAGING IN GATEWAY-GATEWAY SEXUAL ACTIVITIES.

YOU KNOW...

(LAUGHTER) ALL THE THINGS THAT LEAD TO THE THINGS THAT LEAD TO SEX.

IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE.

AND TEACHERS MUST NOT TELL YOU HOW IT GOT SLIPPERY.

SO HERE'S WHAT WE'VE GOT TO THE DO...

(APPLAUSE) NO BEING ATTRACTIVE.

FOR BOYS THAT MEANS LESS TIME TO CHOOSE AN INSTRUMENT IN MUSIC CLASS.

EVERYONE GETS A TUBA.

THEY WILL STAY VIRGINS WELL INTO THEIR 20s.

AND, GIRLS, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.

NO CHEERLEADING, NO HAIR FLIPPING, NO CUTE LAUGHING, NO USING GREEN APPLE SHAMPOO THAT A

BOY CAN SMELL FROM FOUR ROWS BACK.

WHY AUDREY?

WHY DID YOU TORMENT ME WITH YOUR FRAGRANCE?

(LAUGHTER) BUT YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY LEADS TO LEADING TO SEX?

EYE CONTACT.

(LAUGHTER) AND BECAUSE THE SUBTLEST GLANCE COULD LEAD TO SEXUAL ACTIVITY

THAT'S WHY I BELIEVE EVERY CHILD SHOULD BE FITTED WITH A PAIR OF HORSE BLINDERS.

(LAUGHTER) EVEN IF THEY SOMEHOW CATCH A GLIMPSE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX, NO

ONE'S GOING TO GET IT ON WITH A TUBA PLAYING KID WEARING HORSE BLINDERS.

(LAUGHTER) OF COURSE THE ULTIMATE GATEWAY TO SEX IS PUBERTY.

THOSE RAGING HORMONES COURSING THROUGH OUR KIDS VEINS HAVE ONLY ONE PURPOSE: TO TURN THEM INTO

MINDLESS SEX ZOMBIES.

(LAUGHTER) THAT'S WHY EVERY CHILD SHOULD SIGN A PLEDGE PROMISING NOT TO

GO THROUGH PUBERTY UNTIL AFTER THEY ARE MARRIED.

BECAUSE I BELIEVE PUBER CITY A CHIZ.

AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IF OUR CHILDREN LACK THE SELF-CONTROL TO HOLD IN THEIR HORMONES THEN

WE HAVE NO OPTION TO SPAY OR NEUTER THEM.

I'M TALKING THE FULL BOB BARKER.

(LAUGHTER) NOW...

(LAUGHTER) I HEAR WHAT PEOPLE ARE THINKING ABOUT THERE.

STERILIZING OUR CHILDREN MAY SOUND CRUEL BUT IT'S NECESSARY TO PROTECT WHAT IS MOST PRECIOUS

TO US: OUR BELIEFS THAT ABSTINENCE-ONLY EDUCATION WORKS.

AND THAT'S THE WORD.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

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