Skate Expectations - Speedskating Team Training

Aired:  01/19/10 Views: 33,072

Now that Stephen has saved speedskating by raising $300,000, he's sure to make the Olympic team. (4:58)

WHEN YOU LOOK BACK AND ONLY SEE

ONE SET OF FOOTPRINTS ON THE

BEACH.

IT'S BECAUSE JESUS BLEW YOUR

LEGS OFF.

AMEN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NATION, WE ALL KNOW THESE ARE

HARD ECONOMIC TIMES, ESPECIALLY

FOR NBC.

EVIDENTLY JEFF ZUCKER IS

TRYING TO BURN DOWN THE NETWORK

FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY.

THE ONE THING NBC HAS GOING FOR

THEM IS THE UPCOMING WINTER

OLYMPICS.

IT'S GOING TO BE A REAL MONEY

MAKER, IN THAT THEY WILL LOSE

ONLY $200 MILLION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I, TOO, AM GOING TO VANCOUVER

NEXT MONTH TO REALIZE EVERY

AMERICAN'S DREAM: TO GET INTO

THE OLYMPICS WITHOUT EXERCISING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

FIRST, I TRIED OUT FOR THE

SKELETON TEAM.

BUT DESPITE MY GOD-GIVEN TALENT

FOR LYING DOWN AND SURRENDERING

TO THE EFFECTS OF GRAVITY, I WAS

REJECTED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NEXT, BOBSLED.

AGAIN, I DIDN'T MAKE THE TEAM.

APPARENTLY, SOME PEOPLE ARE TOO

PRECIOUS TO GET A LITTLE VOMIT

ON THEIR LYCRA.

FINALLY, I DIDN'T MAKE THE

CURLING TEAM.

THOUGH I DID CURL UP INTO A

PERFECT FETAL POSITION.

AND WHILE I LAY THERE ON THE

ICE, THEN I ASKED MYSELF, WHY AM

I WALKING AWAY FROM MY FIRST

LOVE: SPEED SKATING?

[ LAUGHTER ]

AFTER ALL, THEY'RE SPONSORED BY

YOU THE COLBERT NATION.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WITHOUT YOUR DONATIONS, THEY

WOULD BE RACING ON BUTTER KNIVES

DUCT-TAPED TO A PAIR OF CHUCK

TAYLORS.

OUR GOAL WAS TO RAISE $300,000.

LET'S SEE HOW MUCH WE RAISED.

JIMMY?

[DRUM ROLL]

OH, $299,993.00!

SO CLOSE.

WELL, WE TRIED.

SORRY, U.S. SPEEDSKATING TEAM,

IT'S TIME TO HANG UP YOUR SKATES

ON THE PEG NEXT TO YOUR HOPES

AND DREAMS.

UNLESS -- WAIT A SECOND!

UNLESS SOME GENEROUS INDIVIDUAL

SWOOPS IN AND SINGLEHANDEDLY

SAVES THE OLYMPICS.

HOLD ON.

LET'S SEE WHAT I GOT HERE.

$7 SHORT HERE, LET'S SEE.

FOUR, FIVE, SIX.

HOLD ON THAT IS SAY PAPER CLIP

THAT IS A GRENADE PIN.

ONE, TWO, THREE, DO YOU BELIEVE

IN MIRACLES?

95 -- 90 -- $300,000.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DID IT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES!

I GAVE THE U.S. SPEEDSKATING

TEAM $300,000!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT MEANS ON

THIS YEAR'S TAXES, I GET TO

DEDUCT THE COST OF THE OLYMPICS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND NOW THAT I SAVED THE SPORT,

I'M SURE TO MAKE THE SPEED

SKATING TEAM.

I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION: WHAT

IS SPEEDSKATING?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S TIME FOR MORE OF MY

EXCLUSIVE PRE-LYMPIC COVERAGE.

STEPHEN COLBERT'S SKATE

EXPECTATIONS, KICKING ICE AND

TAKING DONATIONS ON THE SLIPPERY

SLOPE DOWN THE ICY PATH TO THE

FROZEN ROAD UP TOf "| VANCOUVER 10.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY DR. PEPPER,

NOT LICENSED TO PRACTICE

MEDICINE.

BUDWEISER, THE ONLY REASON YOU

KNOW WHAT A COLLIDES DALE IS,

AND VERIZON WIRELESS, WIRES ARE

FOR PUSSIES.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FINE PRODUCTS, ALL.

FOLKS, --

FOLKS, SPEEDSKATING HAS A LONG

AND STORIED PAST.

IT WAS ADDED TO THE WINTER

OLYMPICS IN 1924, AFTER ITS

DISASTROUS SHOWING IN THE 1920

SUMMER OLYMPICS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AMERICA'S MAIN RIVAL IS THE

NETHERLANDS, WHERE SPEEDSKATING

IS THE MOST POPULAR SPORT.

MAINLY BECAUSE IN WINTER WHEN

THE CANALS FREEZE, IT'S THE

FASTEST WAY TO GET FROM YOUR

HOOKER TO YOUR WEED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AMERICA'S BEST HOPE FOR GOLD IS

SHANI DAVIS, WHO BACK IN

DECEMBER, CALLED ME A JERK.

SHANI, NAME-CALLING IS NOT HOW

WE ATHLETES SETTLE OUR

DIFFERENCES.

WE DO IT BY PULLING GUNS ON EACH

OTHER IN THE LOCKER ROOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHEN WE RETURN I ENTER THE

DANGEROUS WORLD OF COMPETITIVE

SLIDING OVER ICE ON A THI

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