ThreatDown - All-Bear Edition

  • Aired:  07/15/14
  •  | Views: 20,251

America faces the triple threat of leisure-time bears, gay bears and Pyros the hyper-promiscuous bear. (7:03)

FOLKS, I DON'T FRIGHTEN EASY ANDI DON'T KNOW WHY, AND THAT

SCARES ME.

THIS IS THE THREATDOWN!

(SIRENS)ALL BEAR EDITION.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)FOLKS, LONG-TIME VIEWERS WITH

SHORT-TERM MEMORY WILL KNOW THATI AM NO FAN OF BEARS -- BROWN,

BLACK, GUMMY, EVEN CHARMIN.

I'M SORRY, BUT I'M NOT GOING TOTRUST SOME MURDEROUS GRIZZLY

WITH THE CLEANING OF MY BATHINGSUIT AREAS.

I WILL DRAG MY BUTT ALONG THEGRASS LIKE GOD INTENDED.

BUT RECENTLY, THESE BERNSTEINBRUTES INFILTRATED OUR MOST

SACRED INSTITUTION.

>> ONE WILD ANIMAL THINKS HEDESERVES THE COMFORT OF THE

HOME.

>> CHECK OUT THE BEAR IN MYNEIGHBOR'S YARD ON HIS HAMMOCK.

>> DAYTONA BEACH HOME OWNERVINCENT JAMES SNAPPED THESE

PHOTOS TO PROVE THAT, YES, ABEAR WAS NAPPING IN HIS HAMMOCK.

JAMES SAYS THE BEAR HAD BEENRUMMAGING THROUGH THE TRASHCANS,

THEN CLIMBED INTO THE HAMMOCK"LIKE HE WAS A TOURIST OR

SOMETHING."

>> >> Stephen: YES, A TOURIST!

OR SOMETHING!

IT'S ALL IN THE BEAR'S GUIDEBOOK -- "LET'S GO: EAT

CHILDREN."

FRANKLY, I CAN'T IMAGINEANYTHING WORSE THAN A BEER IN A

HAMMOCK, EXCEPT A BEAR IN ABANANA HAMMOCK.

AND THAT BRINGS ME TO THREATNUMBER THREE -- LEISURE-TIME

BEARS!

FOLKS, DON'T BE FOOLED -- THATBEAR IS NOT USING A HAMMOCK TO

RELAX.

HOW STRESSFUL CAN BEING A BEARBE?

"I NEED THAT SALMON ON MY DESKIN 15 MINUTES, OR YOU'RE FIRED

FROM THE FOREST!"NO!

THEY'RE JUST LAYING IN WAIT,FOLKS.

HERE'S THEIR PLAN: IT'S THE ENDOF THE WORKDAY, YOU WANT TO

RELAX SO YOU GRAB A MIKE'S HARDLEMONADE, CRANK THE BUFFETT AND

JUMP IN YOUR HAMMOCK.

SUDDENLY, INSTEAD OFCHEESEBURGER IN PARADISE, IT'S

MAN-BERGER IN BEAR-A-DISE!

TRADEMARK!

RETURN MY CALLS, WEIRD AL.

NATION, BEARS WILL STOP ATNOTHING UNTIL THEY'VE TURNED OUR

SUMMER FUN INTO THEIR HUNTINGGROUNDS.

SO TAKE PRECAUTIONS.

MAKE SURE THERE'S NO BEAR AT THEEND OF YOUR SLIP AND SLIDE, OR

IN THE BACK OF YOUR TANDEM BIKE,OR THAT THE SHARK AT THE BEACH

ISN'T JUST A BEER IN A SHARKSUIT.

OKAY?

THAT HAPPENED.

THAT HAPPENED.

THAT IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

AND FOLKS, HAMMOCKS AREN'T THEONLY AMERICAN LEISURE ACTIVITIES

BEARS HAVE THEIR EYES ON BECAUSEOVER A SIX-YEAR PERIOD AT

CROATIA'S KUTEREVO BEAR REFUGE,RESEARCHERS REPORTED MULTIPLE

ACTS OF FELLATIO BETWEEN TWOMALE BEARS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

THESE COUNTRY BEARS ARE HAVING AJAMBOREE.

BUT THAT'S NO JUG THEY'REBLOWING ON.

AND THAT BRINGS ME TO THREATNUMBER TWO.

GAY BEARS!

I HAVE LONG FEARED WHAT WOULDHAPPEN IF THE TWO GREATEST

THREATS TO AMERICA EVER TEAMEDUP.

IF THIS GOES ANY FURTHER, WECOULD END UP WITH A WHOLE

COMMUNITY OF GAY MEN PATTERNINGTHEMSELVES AFTER THESE ANIMALS.

AND MAKE NO MISTAKE!

THIS IS A LIFESTYLE CHOICE!

RESEARCHERS SAW SMOKEY THEPOLE-SMOKER OVER HERE ENGAGE IN

28 ACTS OF FELLATIO OVER 116HOURS, AVERAGING ONE ACT FOR

EVERY FOUR HOURS.

TRULY TERRIFYING.

I HAD NO IDEA BEARS HAD THATMANY BIRTHDAYS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YESSCIENTISTS TELL YOU TO CLAP TO

SCARE THE BEARS AWAY.

FINALLY, I BRING YOU THE MOST

TERRIFYING BEAR IN THE HISTORYOF THIS PROGRAM.

MEET PYROS, A BROWN BEAR LIVINGIN THE PYRENEES MOUNTAINS.

YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL A EUROPEANBEAR BECAUSE THEY DON'T SHAVE

THEIR ARM PITS.

PYROS IS NOT ONLY A VICIOUS MANEATER, HE'S A VORACIOUS

LADYKILLER BECAUSE PYROS ISFATHER, GRANDFATHER OR GREAT

GRANDFATHER TO NEARLY ALL OF THECUBS BORN IN THE REGION OVER THE

PAST TWO DECADES.

CAN'T BLAME THE LADIES.

JUST LOOK AT HIM.

THAT THICK COAT.

THAT BROAD MUZZLE.

THAT HIGH ZYGOMATIC ARCH.

I MEAN, TRANQUILIZER GUN TO MYHEAD?

SURE.

PLUS, PYROS' SEXUAL PROWESS NOWMEANS THERE ARE ONLY FOUR OTHER

MALES, WITH JUST ONE NOT RELATEDTO HIM...

CAUSING A HUGE RISK OFINBREEDING.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE NUMBERONE THREAT FACING AMERICA:

PYROS THE BEER...

FOR CHANGING MY HEART ABOUTBEARS.

BECAUSE I WAS MOVED WHEN ILEARNED THAT PYROS IS "FACING

CASTRATION FOR HIS PROMISCUITY."

CASTRATION?

IS THAT NECESSARY?

DID THEY EVEN TRYABSTINENCE-ONLY EDUCATION?

YOU SEE, FOLKS, I'VE ALWAYSBELIEVED BEARS WERE GODLESS

KILLING MACHINES.

BUT PYROS' STORY OF LOST LOVE --AND PERHAPS LOST GONADS

GIVES ME PAUSE.

FOR THE FIRST TIME, I SEE THATBEARS AND I HAVE SOMETHING IN

COMMON.

HUGE BALLS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THIS BEAR GETS ME RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS WHERE MY BALLS START.

I SEE MYSELF IN PYROS.

I ALSO SEE PAPA BEAR BILLO'REILLY

ALL THREE OF US ARE ALPHA MALESWHO, ACCORDING TO PAPA BEAR'S

BOOK THE O'REILLY FACTOR, "HAVEDATED HUNDREDS OF WOMEN," AND

BIG GOVERNMENT WANTS TO BRING USDOWN WITH A SHARP PAIR OF

SACK-CLIPPERS. MAKE NO MISTAKE,FOLKS,

MINE WOULD BE QUITE THEFEATHER IN OBAMA'S CAP!

AND, YES, MINE HAVE FEATHERS.

SO I JUST WANT TO SAY, RUN,PYROS!

RUN FOR ALL OF US!

DON'T LET THEM HAVE YOURMAGNIFICENT MAN-SACK!

YOU HEAR ME?

YOU GET OUT OF HERE!

WAIT...

WHAT'S HE DOING?

OH, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'SAPPROPRIATE RIGHT NOW

NOW'S NOT REALLY THE TIME. OH,WELL.

AT LEAST HE'S HAPPY.

SAVER THEM WHILE YOU CAN, MYFRIEND.

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