Intro - 2/20/12

  • Aired:  02/20/12
  •  | Views: 16,854

Stephen quells wild Internet rumors about his time off and puts Joan Rivers' outrageous speculation to rest. (3:12)

>> Stephen: TONIGHT, HI.

HOW YOU BEEN?

(LAUGHTER)

BEFORE WE START THE

BROADCAST TONIGHT, I JUST

WANT TO ADDRESS MY RECENT

ABSENCE FROM THE NATIONAL

CONVERSATION.

AS THE HUB AROUND WHICH THE

REPUBLIC TURNS, I CAN

UNDERSTAND WHY THE MACHINERY

OF THIS GREAT NATION GROUND

TO A HALT LAST WEEK WHEN YOU

WERE DENIED THIS.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW I'M SURE YOU FELT THE

SAME WAY I DO WHEN I'M IN A

ROOM WITH NO MIRRORS.

(LAUGHTER)

AND FOLKS, THERE WERE SOME

WILD RUMORS ABOUT WHY I WAS

GONE.

THESE ARE ACTUAL RUMORS FROM

THE ACTUAL INTERNET.

SOME PEOPLE SAID THAT MY

SHOW WAS CANCELLED BY THE

FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS

COMMISSION AT THE REQUEST OF

THE FEDERAL ELECTION

COMMISSION BECAUSE I WAS

ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE MY

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NOW NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

OTHERS SAID I WAS CANCELLED

BECAUSE I OFFENDED THE

CATHOLIC CHURCH WHEN I

COMPARED THE POPE'S HAT TO A

GIANT YET STYLISH

PROPHYLACTIC.

(LAUGHTER)

STILL, OTHERS SAID, OTHERS

SAID I WAS IN REHAB, ALWAYS

AN ATTRACTIVE OPTION, IF

THEY HAVE THAT FOR DIET

COKE.

AND ONE PERSON, OR WHATEVER

PART OF THAT ORIGINAL PERSON

HAS NOT BEEN DERMABRAISED

OFF OF JOAN RIVERS SKULL,

ACCUSED ME OF TAKING TIME

OFF TO HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY.

>> I GUESS YOU WATCH STEPHEN

COLBERT BECAUSE HE'S COMING

BACK.

>> OH YES.

>> FINALLY, TONIGHT.

>> HE LEFT FOR MYSTERIOUS

REASON, AT LEAST LAST WEEK

THE REPORT CAME OUT THEY ARE

SUSPENDING THE SHOW

INDEFINITELY AND WE'RE NOT

SAYING WHY.

>> HE HAD A NOSE JOB.

>> DEVELOPED COVER STORES -- --

STORIES WHAT ARE SOME THEM.

>> I'M RESTED.

THAT IS WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY,

I FELL ASLEEP ON THE

OPERATING TABLE.

>> YOU WATCH STEPHEN IS

GOING TO HAVE NEW EYES.

>> WRONG, JOAN.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

I DID NOT--

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I DID NOT HAVE MY EYES DONE

THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

I HAD MY ASS DONE.

THE DOCTORS CRANKED THIS

THING SO HIGH AND TIGHT YOU

CAN BARELY BLINK NOW.

ANYWAY, RUMORS QUELLED.

MOVING ON.

OH, ONE MORE THING.

EVIDENTLY HAVING 11 CHILDREN

MAKES YOU TOUGH AS NAILS.

CONFIDENTIAL TO A LOVELY

LADY.

BUT NOW, FOLKS.

CHORS

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> THERE ARE STILL AS WE ALL

KNOW THERE ARE STILL ENEMIES

OF AMERICA OUT THERE WHO

HAVE HAD A FREE RIDE FOR TOO

LONG.

THAT ENDS TONIGHT.

JUST LIKE EVERY NIGHT.

ARE YOU READY TO GO GET

THESE BASTARDS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Stephen: THEN WHAT ARE WE

WAITING FOR.

THIS IS THE

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