ThreatDown - Fake States, Sharia Weather & Monopoly

  • Aired:  08/03/11
  •  | Views: 61,534

The state of North Dakota may not exist, subversive weather blows into Arizona, and the classic American game of anti-trust law violation gets a makeover. (7:31)

ANYWAY, GOLDEN AGE IS OVER.

NATION, I'M IN THE AFRAID OF MY

OWN SHADOW, BUT YOU SHOULD BE

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT

GOES WHEN I TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.

THIS IS THE THREATDOWN.

[SIREN BLARES]

FOLKS, SHOCKING NEWS FROM A LAND

BEYOND AMERICA'S BORDERS.

NORTH DAKOTA.

[LAUGHTER]

JIM.

>> AN 82-YEAR-OLD GRAND FORKS

MAN HAS POINTED OUT A

CONSTITUTIONAL FLAW.

IT PUTS INTO QUESTION WHETHER

LEGALLY NORTH DAKOTA HAS EVER

BEEN A STATE.

TECHNICALLY IT COULD BE ARGUED

IN COURT THAT NORTH DAKOTA IS

STILL A TERRITORY.

>> Stephen: THE STATE OF NORTH

DAKOTA MAY NOT EXIST.

IT'S LIKE SOUTH DAKOTA'S

CANADIAN GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S UP NORTH SUPPOSEDLY REALLY

COOL AND BEAUTIFUL, BUT NOBODY

HAS EVER SEEN HER.

THIS SHOCKING REVELATION COMES

FROM 82-YEAR-OLD JOHN ROBINSKI,

WHO NOTICED A DISCREPANCY WHILE

READING THE NORTH DAKOTA STATE

CONSTITUTION BECAUSE THAT'S THE

MOST EXCITING THING TO DO IN

NORTH DAKOTA.

[LAUGHTER]

HE'S A THRILL SEEKER.

NOW, TURNS OUT THE U.S.

CONSTITUTION REQUIRES ALL STATE

LEGISLATORS, EXECUTIVES AND

JUDICIAL OFFICERS TO SWEAR AN

OATH OF ALLEGIANCE TO UPHOLD THE

U.S. CONSTITUTION.

BUT NORTH DAKOTA'S STATE

CONSTITUTION OMITTED THAT

REQUIREMENT FOR ITS GOVERNOR,

WHICH MEANS TECHNICALLY NORTH

DAKOTA ISN'T A STATE, WHICH

BRINGS ME TO THREAT NUMBER

THREE, FAKE STATES.

NATION, AND I'M NOT TALKING TO

YOU, NORTH DAKOTA, THERE ARE NOW

OVER 670,000 FOREIGNERS MASKED

ON OUR NORTHERN SOUTH DAKOTA

BORDER JUST WAITING TO STREAM

INTO REAL AMERICA AND TAKE THE

JOBS WE DON'T WANT TO DO, LIKE

LIVING IN NORTH DAKOTA.

WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS DANGER

COMING, FOLKS.

WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING

AFTER THIS TERRIFYING

DOCUMENTARY.

THEY'VE GOT STRANGE NATIVE GARB.

THEY REFUSE TO SPEAK ENGLISH.

>> YEP, YOU WET.

>> YEAH, HI, YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> OH, YEAH.

>> YEAH.

[LAUGHTER]

>> Stephen: YEAH.

AND THEY MAKE A VERY DISTURBING

SAUSAGE.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

I WARNED YOU.

WELL, UNTIL NORTH DAKOTA FIXES

THEIR CONSTITUTION, THEY ARE NOT

A STATE, SO IT IS TIME TO UPDATE

THE FLAG.

JUST GET OUT MY OFFICIAL FLAG

UPDATER.

TAKE IT OUT THERE.

CHECK THE SAMPLER LID.

OKAY.

ALABAMA.

ARKANSAS.

ARIZONA.

CALIFORNIA, NORTH DAKOTA.

THERE YOU GO.

ALL RIGHT.

JUST ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, PUT

THAT RIGHT THERE.

OKAY.

TO DENOTE THEIR NON-OFFICIAL

STATUS, I HAVE ADDED AN ASTERISK

TO THIS STAR RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT MEANS... THAT MEANS IT'S

EITHER ILLEGITIMATE OR HAS TAKEN

STEROIDS.

I'M LOOKING AT YOU, ALASKA.

WHO ME?

I'VE JUST BEEN WORKING OUT A

LOT.

BULL [BLEEPED].

NEXT.

I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, WEATHER MEN

HAVE A LIBERAL AGENDA.

WHY ELSE IS THE WEATHER MAP A

GAY PRIDE FLAG?

AND NOW THERE IS A WHOLE NEW

KIND OF SUBVERSIVE WEATHER

BLOWING INTO ARIZONA.

>> TODAY'S WORD OF THE DAY THAT

YOU MUST KNOW IS HABOOB.

>> OFFICIAL TERM IS HABOOB.

>> HABOOB.

>> HABOOB -- H AFTER H-B-O-O-B

IS AN ARABIC NAME FOR AN INTENSE

SAND STORM.

>> Stephen: HABOOB.

THIS IS AMERICA, BRING US THE

FORECAST IN WEATHER.

WHICH BRINGS US TO NUMBER, TWO

SHARIA WEATHER.

FOLKS, I THINK IT'S BAD ENOUGH

THAT ALL OUR WEATHER FORECASTS

CONTAIN ARABIC NEWMAN ALSO.

WHAT'S NEXT?

ARE WE GOING TO START SAYING,

MAN, IT'S REALLY RAINING CAMELS

AND SPHINXES OUT THERE OR TEACH

OUR KIDS TO BUILD FROSTY THE

SNOW IMAM?

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO IS

ANGRY INCH A RECENT LETTER TO

THE ARIZONA REPUBLIC, ONE READER

COMPLAINS, "I AM INSULTED THAT

THEY'RE NOW CALLING THIS KIND OF

STORM A HABOOB.

HOW DO YOU THINK OUR SOLDIERS

FEEL COMING BACK TO ARIZONA AND

HEARING SOME MIDDLE EASTERN

TERM."

YES, THINK OF HOW YOU FEEL.

IT'S ALMOST AS DEMORALIZING AS

FINDING OUT THEY'VE THEY'VE COME

BACK TO ARIZONA.

SUCH A LOVELY STATE.

I'M SURE IT'S A LOVELY STATE.

I SAY GET RID OF HABOOB AND

LET'S GET RID OF ALL ARABIC

WORDS FROM ENGLISH.

FROM NOW ON ALCOHOL WILL BE

FREEDOM JUICE.

A GIRAFFE WILL BE FREEDOM NECK.

AND ALPHILADELPHIA WILL BE

RENAMED OSALAD BIN LADEN.

FINALLY THE NUMBER-ONE THREAT TO

AMERICA, MONOPOLY.

THE CLASSIC AMERICAN GAME OF

FAMILY FUN IN VIOLATION OF

ANTITRUST LAWS IS GETTING AN

ALARMING MAKEOVER.

>> NO DICE, NO MONEY, MONOPOLY

IS GOING HIGH TECH.

>> THERE'S A NEW POPLY COMING

ALONG CALLED MONOPOLY LIVE, AND

THE WHOLE THING THERE THAT YOU

SEE IS THAT SPEAKER THING IN THE

MIDDLE IS A COMPUTER.

IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO.

>> Stephen: NO COMPUTER TELLS

ME WHAT TO DO.

WHEN MY GARNIN GPS TELLS ME TO

TURN RIGHT, I TURN LEFT.

I HAVEN'T BEEN HOME IN FIVE

YEARS.

WITHOUT CASH, THERE'S IN CASH.

IN THE NEW GAME THERE'S IN CASH,

AND NO CASH, I CAN'T BE BANKER.

HOW WILL I SLIP MYSELF MY $500

BONUS FOR ROLLING DOUBLES?

INSTEAD THERE'S AN INFRARED

TOWER THAT ISSUES INSTRUCTIONS,

KEEPS TRACK OF MONEY AND EVEN

WATCHES OVER ADVANCING THE

PROPER NUMBER OF SPACES.

IN OTHER WORDS, IT'S A BIG

BROTHER REGULATOR IMPOSING ITS

SOCIALIST NANNY STATE

REGULATIONS ON COMMERCE.

WHAT'S NEXT?

MY SCHNOZZER WILL HAVE TO GET

NUDERS SO IT DOESN'T HUMP THE

TOP HATS?

THIS IS ALL PART OF... FOLKS...

[APPLAUSE]

THIS IS ALL PART OF HASBRO'S

PLAN TO SHORTEN AND SIMPLIFY

MANY OF ITS POPULAR GAMES.

NO DICE, HASBRO, LITERALLY.

THEY TOOK AWAY THE DICE!

MONOPOLY IS SUPPOSED TO BE A

GRUELING, NINE-HOUR MARATHON

THAT DAD ALWAYS WINS BECAUSE HIS

BEDTIME IS LATER.

[LAUGHTER]

SO FOLKS, KEEP THIS

BATTERY-POWERED MENACE OUT OF

YOUR PLAYROOMS UNTIL THEY UPDATE

IT PROPERLY.

ONE PLAYER IS BORN WITH A BILL

WHEREON DOLLARS AND ALL ALL THE

GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARDS.

HE BUNDLES ALL THE GOOD

PROPERTIES LIKE MARVIN GARDENS

AND PACIFIC AVENUE WITH CRAP

PROPERTIES LIKE MEDITERRANEAN

AND BALTIC AND COME BIENGS THEM

AS TRIPLE-A RATED PROPERTY SWAP

DERIVATIVES THAT HE SELLS TO THE

OTHER PLAYERS WHO LOSE THEIR

LIFE SAVINGS AND END UP TURNING

TRICKS ON THE BOARDWALK.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

FINALLY, THE GAME ENDS WHEN THE

LAST PLAYER GOES BROKE AND HAS

NO CHOICE BUT TO JOIN THE ARMY

AND START PLAYING RISK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Loading...