Bibles Swapped for "Fifty Shades of Grey"

  • Aired:  07/25/12
  •  | Views: 30,912

Travelers need a 500-page book about an inexperienced 22-year-old getting worked over good by a sociopathic businessman with a shvantz like a kielbasa. (4:08)

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NOW, FOLKS FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE WITH US IN THE A BLOCK, I HAVE REHIRED MY ENTIRE STAFF FOR

REASONS THAT ARE NOT IMPORTANT.

LET'S NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN,

NEVER HAPPENED.

WHAT DIDN'T?

EXACTLY.

I'VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO THINK ABOUT, LIKE BEDSIDE TABLES.

ALL THE BEST HOTELS HAVE THEM,

GOOD PLACE FOR A LAMP, MAYBE A PHONE, OR IN THE DRAWER THEY HAVE A BIBLE FROM THE GOOD FOLKS

AT GIDEON.

THAT'S WHY I WAS SO DISTURBED TO HEAR THIS STORY.

>> IF YOU BOOK A RESERVATION AT THE HOTEL IN ENGLAND, DON'T EXPECT TO HAVE A COPY OF THE

BIBLE WAITING FOR YOU.

INSTEAD THE HOTEL'S OWNER HAS REPLACED IT WITH NONE OTHER THAN

THE BESTSELLING BOOK, "50 SHADES OF GRAY."

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT,

THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS, THEY HAVE REPLACED THE BOOK OF JOB WITH THE BOOK OF RIM JOB.

YEAH, YEAH, WHY NOT?

WHO NEEDS A BIBLE?

I MEAN, YOU'RE ALL ALONE IN A HOTEL ROOM.

YOU HAVE A PANIC ATTACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, WONDERING WHAT ANY OF THIS MEANS.

WHAT YOU NEED IS A 500-PAGE BOOK ABOUT AN INEXPERIENCED 22-YEAR-OLD GETTING WORKED OVER

GOOD BY A SOCIOPATHIC BUSINESSMAN WITH A SANSWER,

ONK LIKE A KIELBASA.

WHERE ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO FIND THAT KIND OF THING IN A HOTEL ROOM.

FOLKS, I DON'T GET THIS.

WHAT IS THE POINT OF TRAVELING IF YOU CAN'T SIT IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM AND READ A BIBLE?

IT'S THE ONLY REASON I GO ANYWHERE.

JUST LOOK AT MY SLIDES FROM MY LATEST TRIP AROUND THE WORLD.

HERE'S ME IN ROME, EGYPT, AND MOUNT EVEREST.

( APPLAUSE ) AND DIG THIS, IF YOU CAN DIG IT,

DADDY-O.

IF YOU'RE HOPE ENOUGH TO DIG WHAT I'M LAYING DOWN.

AND THE HOTEL OWNER'S REASON FOR THE BOOK SWAP?

"TONIGHT MILLIONS OF WOMEN WILL BE CURLING UP IN BED WITH A GOOD

BOOK, AND YOU CAN BET YOUR LIFE IT WON'T BE THE BIBLE." OH, REALLY?

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A STEAMY READ, THE BIBLE'S YOUR BOOK.

IT'S GOT STRONG, DOM NEITHER PATRIARCHS ORDERING WOMEN TO PERFORM SOME TRULY FREAKY ACTS.

I MEAN, THERE'S CENTURIES OF BONDAGE IN HERE.

AND THE SEX-- WE'RE TALKING HOT SLAVES, ORANGEY, INCEST,

THREE-WAYS, GOAT-WAYS, " WHY A-WAYS.

HOT STUFF.

JIMMY, JIMMY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, LET'S GIVE THESE LUCKY LADIES A LITTLE TASTE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS ) YET SHE MULTIPLIED HER WHOREDOM,

WHEREIN SHE HAD PLAYED THE HARLET IN THE LAND OF EGYPT, FOR SHE DOTED UPON HER PARMORS WHOSE

FLESH IS AS THE FLESH OF ASSES AND WHOSE ISSUE IS LIKE THE ISSUE OF HORSES.

OH, GIDDY-UP.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ) AND BEHOLD, I AM AGAINST THEE.

AND I WILL DISCOVER THY SKIRTS UPON THY FACE, AND I WILL SHOW THY NATION THY NAKEDNESS AND I

WILL CAFTA, ABOMB NIINABLE FILTH UPON THESE.

AND THE LORD SAID, IT WAS GOOD.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).

ANYWAY, POINT IS, THERE IS A TON, TON MORE OF STUFF LIKE THAT IN HERE.

SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR EXCITING STUFF, DON'T GET "A" BESTSELLER.

GET "" BESTSELLER.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO READ IT IN PUBLIC YOU MIGHT WANT TO DO IT ON A

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